Little old sad me!

Everything just goes wrong; it’s a rancid twist of life,

I thought my life to be totally different,

Look now how I succumbed to fate,

How I thought I would be happy,

Here I am twisting in pain.

It started when I was able to see life for what it is,

I started realizing when I understood people’s games,

Here I stand utterly overwhelmed,

What’s a little old me to do against this burden of pain.

I cried, I rot in envy and jealousy,

To see what’s mine being shared endlessly,

To see my soul and heart being torn to shreds,

To feel there is no positivity and no gain.

How I wanted just a speck of happiness,

Instead am here alone troubled by this madness,

Who was once dear is far away,

Who were once so near seem to fade away.

Things are moving at their own pace,

It’s me who is unable to accomplish,

My life’s goals hopes and dreams,

Here’s a little old sad me,

Crying in immense pain.

@$#%^&

There is something about certain things that make you obsessive. What is it that triggers obsession I will never know. It’s just this fire, which burns you and soon you are engulfed in it, burning your pride along with it. Thou shall not be jealous!! Hello who ever said that must either be deceiving or must be too holy for their own good.

I keep obsessing over my weight, my clothes, my relationships, family even something as mundane as the weather but somehow we always land up in a place where you don’t want to be emotionally. The tides of emotions, feelings of despair or sometimes of happiness take you towards two different spectrums which confuse’s me further.

Being obsessive has made me realize that I have become someone am not, whoa a personality shift has happened and when did the transition take place I have no clue..nada. But this person here is not so welcoming, I have lost my spirit somewhere, stranded somewhere on a lonely island all alone. Geez, is this what getting old means then I don’t want to go there.

I don’t see the reasons in things that are happeneing around me. I can’t accept certain things in my life. Everyone keeps saying wait and watch but I am tired of waiting and watching…ever have the same feeling anyone..tell me I am not alone in this!

Huh!

It's just so funny how when you want to write the most, you always fall short of words. Tonight as I sat with all thoughts cornered that I shall write...what was the question that lay ahead?

I write something and re read it I have this nasty habit just to tweak it. How I wonder it would be so easy to tweak life sometimes too and nooo am not gonna write a emotional blog vomiting all gyan.

It's so fascinating to look at myself, analyze see how I have evolved from the past. I lost myself somewhere, don't know if it's a good thing but I suddenly feel very MATURE. That's a big word for me, Ive all grown up well not all. I still get hyper and excited over little things. I still want to converse in the most wittiest of manner. I still love to twirl when I listen to music, or sing out loud when my favorite song comes. But I also understand how to grow and move on, I understand how to give space. How to forgive ( maybe not completely...getting there), how to see the better side of things.

The thought that often plagues my mind now is where am I heading? Where do I want to go? Who d I wanna be? I am 27 and sadly oblivious to all these questions. i see people around me who are settled, know what they want out of their life and here I am writing in a blog, finding myself. Is it me or are there any more pseudo adults like me?

Lets see...

Old is Gold!

There is nothing more enchanting than watching old movies....there is just something about them, a reassurance that fills you with hope that sooner or later everything will be fine. Every movie, every script ever written has hurdles and hardships but somehow it all just turns ok and life's good again.

they are the kind of movies, that help you get through all the bad stuff happening in your life. Somehow even if you deny it, there is a little hope in that teeny tiny corner of your heart which says "see i told you, everything will be fine"!

I can sit for hours and watch movies like meet me in st louis, casablanca, roman holiday, wizard of oz, angels in the outfield, sound of music,breakfast at tiffany's, christmas carol, seven brides for seven brothers, gone with the wind etc etc with a bag full of popcorn, a box of tissues and a blanket. How I wish my life would for once just be like those movies, ending well...maybe someday they will...guess I just have to live it to see it!

Har ek friend zaroori hota hai!!!

Some where we have these special people with us who brighten our day by just being there. They are more than family at times and just someone who you know you can call at 3:00 am. All sorts of people will walk in and out of your life but those who make an effort to stay are the ones you should cherish.

I have been blessed with many such people, bad judgment on my part sometimes blinded me in recognizing the frienemies but I have some who are always around. You stay mad at them, you fight, you share all your dirty secrets, clothes, yourself. These people just make your life worthwhile especially at times when you are alone, they make you feel needed, cherished and loved.

Time may not permit us to be together always but I know that when I am in need , I just call and there they are. It’s amazing how after watching friends for ages we all have a glorified image of how friendship should be, how we have to be together and be in constant touch. But through the years I have realized, it is not like that.

You have true friends when at you are in trouble at 3 am and you need to cry your heart out after a bad breakup. How they tell you your worth. How they come over when you need them the most. How when you are depressed and about to do something stupid all you get is a whack on the head. When you are the first to know that you will be an aunt soon or that you are going to be the maid of honor. It’s really these things which matter. How you are told about forgiveness, how they curse the man who broke your heart, how they pay your bills when you are out of a job or how they are at your side when you need them.

Some just lost causes, some who disappear and some who want to see you hurt. These are the people that I now want to stay away from. Earlier I always thought on how having a great big gang has its charm now it’s the smaller the better. I always felt sad on how I never had a best friend that one person to do this and then I realized that I got many more to share a different moment with each.

There are so many people that I have around me who I am proud to call my best mates, I may not be able to spend time with them but they are always in my memories. I just wish that someday I am able to repay them what they have given me, a life, a laugh and many wonderful memories to live my life by.

I love you guys and am so happy to be a part of your life and to have you in mine!!

Sky and me!

Isn’t sky the most dynamic thing you have ever seen. How it changes it’s hues and colours. Different shapes appear making you seem like the most creative person. How it changes it’s persona, it’s skin so to speak turning into whatever you wish it to be.

As I stand watching the sky tonight, all I feel is how it accepts change. Some day’s it’s blue- crystal clear like water and someday it’s darker than the darkest of sea’s. How it’s sometimes orange, sometimes pink. Sometimes it’s purple and sometimes it’s green.

When you feel happy it looks bright and sunny, when you are sad it’s like it shares your pain. Sighing and moaning, opening its heart to you letting you share your pain and then comes relief. Like those tiny little bubbles of grief, you shed your tears and the great skies open’s its heart and shares the rain!

How when you are angry, it suddenly seems so red combined with the orange and yellow hues of fire. A fire that burns inside your heart. How it burns, changes shapes and forms like your anger – how it grows and slows. How it subsides and changes to the murky black just when the gloom sets in and then something amazing happens- the dark turns into night and there you see the small gems glittering in the sky just like that tiny hope that begins to float inside your mind.

How when you are depressed, the skies turn blue. They share your sadness and then they show you the truth. How the new day comes, how you need to change, how you need to accept and mold yourself in the same way.

How it has that spark inside it, burns anyone when it’s angry. Striking anyone who come’s in it’s way. There is so much wonder in one thing just as we keep ourselves restrained. Let us roar, let us show who we are. Lets not be constrained and let’s not be hidden. So far in this journey, I have faced a lot, stood up to a lot, let me just see how it feels to let go. The skies are with me, towering above me like an inspiration…let me roar along side them!

Ultimately it tell’s you that we are no different you and I – the only difference is your are down on the ground and it lies above towering above us – being by our side!!

A little wish!

Like the wings of a butterfly,
Like the roar of a lion,
How I wish I could be some one else.


Flying up in the sky,
or ruling the pasture,
oh how I wish,
for that one wish to fulfill tonight.

So many tears,
don't know how they would stop,
is that a way to live,
deep in sorrow and pain.

How I wish to be free,
How I wish to sing,
To dance and forget all my worries,
Maybe I am not there tomorrow,
To celebrate these little things and glory.

I am lost,
I watch myself sleep,
I don't know where am running to,
I don't know who would catch me.

Just a simple wish,
still remains in my heart,
Maybe, someday, somewhere,
And then I realize,
It's just a little too late.

I love the rains!!

There is just something so magical about rains, don't you think?

The way the skies prepare themselves to shower beautiful, tiny little drops of water which fill us with relief. How they hide the sun in the white, smouldering, shiny hoards of clouds.

How the sunshine hide's behind all that wondrous ball of white fur growling in anticipation!

The slow breeze picking pace, leaves preparaing themselves to quench their thrist. It's amazing how the mood changes from the shades of the sky to how we feel.

I love the rains!! There is no other feeling to describe it. To watch the little drops from heaven travel from so far to unite with the earth. The invigorating smell of wet earth drinking each drop of heavenly water, merging together. There is no better union of heaven and earth !

Suddenly you feel happy and all you wanna do is dance, throw out your arms and just......twirl. Sing in this heavenly shower...and let peace come to you as you splash around and forget all your worries!!

NUMB!

The emotions just come and go before I become numb. It's been 6 months but still the feelings haunt me. I don't know how people manage it, maybe someday i'll know too. But as of now am not doing so great.

What I have realised these past couple of months is that you cannot trust anyone except ur family only if ur close to them. otherwise people just walk over you. I have realised that on the outside they may be charming, trying to show every possible face but who they really are.

Are we so scared? are we so fake? Who do you turn to, when there is no one left. What are the sea of people around you for? These thoughts come to me when I am confused. The ofcourse comes his sister misery. Then all the bad deeds done to you come flashing by and you realise just how easy it is for people to fool you.

Then comes hate, so powerful replacing all the love that you had to the point where you just want revenge and then you think who are you to do that. Mostly because you can't to be honest. Then you turn spiritual and wish that karma would do your job.

But eventually you see that the people who have done you wrong are still happy and that's because they don't care. This becomes your problem because you still care. There should be a medicine to finally make you numb before you go through this procedure because it rips you open and you realise what a big fool you are?

A silent prayer!

How it hurts to know your not the one,

How it seems stupid I thought you would stay on,

I should have not ignored the signs,

They were loud and clear,

I just didn’t want to lose your sight,

Now it hurts me even more,

More than I can ever say,

I keep it in my heart,

Shed it in my tears everyday,

But now I know my worth in your life,

There is no comparison to my love,

Which I had for you and your lies,

But now I know I cant stay on,

Even with the memories after you have gone,

The way you hurt me ill never forget,

Nor will I ever let myself forgive,

The pain you caused me opened my eyes,

To teach me to never believe the lies,

I just want this feeling to go away,

For you to vanish and your memories to go away,

I want to start afresh, a new life a new beginning,

I want to forget your existence your being.