A New Year's Resolution!

OMG the year is ending….ok wait anxiety attack of proportions that I don’t think you can even imagine. The pressure to make that new year’s bucket list is high on the agenda and the worst feeling is to see the unfinished one pending from last year. To be honest really it took me sometimes to even find the damn thing, that’s how “high” on the priority list it was. Right so the panic had set in further because I have procrastinated long enough, I don’t know what to put in the damn bucket list. Should I just make the left over list from all the previous years but no that would scream downright stupidity and well laziness. 

Wait now let’s calm my senses, figure out a strategy …hyperventilate a little to know that the freaking year is coming to an end. Today is the last day of 2014. Yes the last day of the year gone by, the year where I did make some amazing memories and had some troubles too. 

It is never really was an issue for me …the years passing you know (all lies...am freaking out) only because people keep telling me that age is just a number well hello that number will increase in the coming year again. This is absolutely the worst possible moment – this reminiscing of the past and the fantasizing of the future bit. I am so scandalized right now that it is not even funny. Literally you should see the expression on my face.

Hmm ok so after some time out with friends during lunch I think I figured it out. I truly want this year to be the year of change for me. I want to be a better (read hotter) person, a wittier person, a decent bitch, less careless thereby a more focused person. I want to have the adventures that I always dream of and that would include the whole chick lit inspired shit n all you see. I want to live this year so that by the end of it when I write a post again I don’t have any regrets, because I’ve been living a life with a lot of regrets. I have seen a lot of possibilities turning into impossibilities right before my eyes this last year. You must be thinking may be am high…(I kinda would to – though the sloshed part hehe) but no  I want to live. I read about it, I write about it but if not this year- when?

It will take a lot of hard work , I can see that I know that but I want to do it. I mean it’s not like am dying or anything but I think in some ways I have killed myself, over and over again. Made sacrifices for people , put their needs first so now I want to focus on me. Let’s see how that goes until then am going back to the board to finish that bucket list.

An Epistle for my Heart!

Dear Heart,

I always renounce you when I commence to count my blessings. Forgetting you are the life force and somewhat often taken for granted. You, yes you are the only one that essentially specifies who I am. Contrary to what people think, a soul is what defines you – I disagree. The soul is your essence which you bear forward like the burdens you carry along from past life when you are born. The soul is further jaded by the events of your present and future. It is your journey through time and infinity.

But you my dear heart, so hard to convince sometimes and sometimes only you can persuade me. You are the one who has been hurt most at times and has been the subject to many depressive chapters.  You make sure that when I break into pieces you take the brunt of the pain. But then occasionally you really make my absolute so content that I am alive.You make sure that there are quivers of delight when am excited or ecstasy when I receive love.  You nourish my intellect, body and soul. You have been a veritable survivor, giving me reinforcement every day to love and live a little. You perpetually show me how much of a giver I can be, or how strong and spirited you make me. You are the reason people adore me. Yes, you tiny muscular little organ you. 

You make me emphasize and sympathise. You make the pain of others yours too. You define love even though there is no definition of love. You break when the ones I love are blue, queasy or no longer with me. You teach me to be more munificent every day. You tell the brain to shed tears for people you don’t even know. You coerce me to forgive the ones who have done you wrong. You try to make some stranger happy when you prompt the brain to smile. You make it so easy at times to exist, and sometimes only you can teach me to tussle with life wielding all my might.

So yes, I never really take out time to thank you. To appreciate that it is only you who is my mainstay. So thank you for crafting the best version of me.

Lots of love

Me

Waking Up!

Lying where my body strew,

Spinning memories inside as they grew,

But like the sun shines through the darkness, 

The echo of which reminds me of you.

Again the night got me startled anew.

Mindless of me I was the only one, a belief so true,

Missed your touch, your presence, I felt so desolate,

But then as I woke to the prospect,

It somehow stopped to hearten me still,

 And then the reverie of you so deep it went.

I wished here you were long enough to stay with me.

 But what could I do,

Convinced that my heart was addicted to you,

But you're no longer the one I knew,

Your soul is wrenching up,

Its starting to unveil the truth of you .

 With a distant sound through the head,

A tear drop slowly makes its way again,

Speaking words I always dreaded,

The love of my life has been laid to rest,

Never will trust this world my friend,

For this heart will never mend.

Never got to say goodbye,

Never knew the reason why,

Never to have you in my arms again,

I always thought i'd have more time to spend,

Never got you out of my head,

Never wanted our days to end.

 

Good or Bad!

Well the good thing about these social media websites is that when you communicate with a plethora of people from varied backgrounds, they often give you a lot of points to brood on. Anyhow, something similar happened recently which made me want to write another post. 

So I have a conversation with this gentleman, who always rubs me the wrong way and we end up disagreeing.  Now the conversation terminated in a dialogue from the other party stating that I do not have a good and a big heart. A mere statement yes but it did spark a few places.

First, there is immense antagonism towards the other, how do you revert to such a statement, there is no point explaining yourself to a stranger who absolutely has no idea what kind of a person you are. You introspect and really think about one fact – what is the definition of a “Good and Big Heart”. Are there any social guidelines that I missed on or have I not been sensitized enough? Isn’t the definition of this a very personal perception which may often be jaded by experience that this life has to offer? How can you judge anyone on the basis of a few random conversations to come to a conclusion that they are really bad people?

I mulled over this thought the minute I read the comment and was frankly again disappointed in myself more than the other person. I let things like this get to me. Where at one stage I feel that I actually should toughen up a little more in life because of the “good and big heart: (no pun intended) that I have, I am again at a cross bridge trying to contemplate how others perceive your persona to be. Just because you have a voice and you raise it, you are tagged, humiliated and berated. This is why we end up being cynical I feel. I promised myself years ago that no matter what hardships in life I will face I will remain true to myself. But times likes these am forced to re-evaluate my promise.

What defines a person with a good and big heart, is it the one who never argues his/her point, and is a constant people pleaser or a humanitarian or a religious person who sacrifices his/her life for others. I want to know now what the parameters are. A good person may be one who takes care others feelings, is kind and thoughtful, but then should you be the same for every person, some who might piss you off too or select few who really are worth it. If you are forever good where does the frustration of venting discharge from. How do you achieve a balance?

I am a good person by my standards, I genuinely am nice to people until they prove me wrong and yes I do retaliate, in that moment if am bad then yes I will take that trait because it lets me remain stable. My “Goodness” is not textbook, neither do I want it to be but am I not entitled to be mean when am hurt. In the end, I know people see you and label you in the way that is convenient for them and I accept that but the best part is I don’t have to prove who I am to them. The only person I need to be answerable to at the end of the day is me, myself and I.

The Realms of the Mind

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