A New Year, New Dreams, New Me!

Every year we make new resolutions. Every year we make new promises. Every year we make new dreams and those give rise to new hopes. As we move to a new year, what happens to all the resolutions, promises, dreams and hopes of the last year? Just like the 365 days that pass away or rather fade away taking with them the happy and the bad times, all of them are forgotten. They leave the body and merge into the universe.

If you look at it, nothing in this world is stationary, so why should you be. Why should we be hung up on a goal, on a dream or a person or a memory. This is what traps you. Hinders your growth. Change is inevitable. Growth is mandatory, it is our choice whether we want to flourish in the light or grow damp in the dark. 

Treacherous Terrains

There she sauntered the meadows a loner,

An isolated figure, transient amid the foliage,

Weary, wandering forlorn, shrouding away from adversity,

Merging with the panorama, cloaked in melancholy,

Through the passage of time, she bore the encumbrance,

She swore on his sins, whilst he lingered in the streets,

Trouncing the pain, she masked with a smile, journeying brazen,

Clutching her own, belligerent and enduring,

Imprisoning the tears, she strode with her pride,

Lush life enfolds her, hope soars acrid,

Life and the mysteries defined,

She hides from the pain in visible sighs,

Hungry for comfort, she sought relief, denied.

Memories!

Just a bunch of words,

Some notes of your voice,

Is all that's left of you,

Everytime I hear you,

I begin to think,

Why did I choose you. 

A tear filled with the memories,

Of hopes and dreams that could be,

Slip silently down my cheek,

For the cloud of lies spreads,

Like thunder that kills. 

A path not chosen,

Yet remembered so,

Just waiting for the day,

It's lost once more. 

Kiss like you mean it!

Image Courtesy Google

The perfect kiss. So many generalities, so many essentials, so many anecdotes and yet no one can really express the perfect kiss. The burden on the first kiss is often what really creates havoc in a relationship. Bibliophiles or story tellers (specifically love stories) will tell you how the perfect kiss is supposed to beget butterflies, how it’s supposed to make you go weak in your knees or how it’s supposed to point you to the one.

I wouldn’t say that I’ve had a share of my kisses. A kiss to me is one of the infinite ways to tell your beloved or rather show your beloved that he still makes your heart skip a beat. The kiss that leaves a tingling feeling, bruises your lips to the point where the world know you’ve been thoroughly kissed is the one you should long for.

A perfect kiss for me is never the first; it’s always the kisses that come after. A kiss for every sensation, every sentiment. A kiss that is given on the forehead or a peck or the lustrous kiss that gnaws the lips off. I like the ones that start slow. There is something about the pace of a kiss that ignites you. It tells you that your lover wants to give each lip the attention it deserves. Each lip is left burning and aching for more. The string of small fluttering kisses that sparks your core. The way the tongue traces the lips, just before it possess yours. The way each lip is owned, the way the hands work and traces the contour of your face. The kiss that deepens further and engulfs you in passion. The kind of kiss that explores your soul, that’s the perfect kiss.

Everyone has their own definition of that perfect kiss. Maybe that kiss you don’t get the first time around, maybe it comes to you when you have kissed a million times. But when it comes, you’ll know and that’s the kiss, that moment, when you know that you’ve finally found the person you want to kiss for the rest of your life. So, keep that moment with you and treasure it. You never know maybe you’ve already had that perfect kiss and maybe just maybe you have to yet discover and own it.

So, what’s your perfect kiss?

Uncertainties of Love!

After you give yourself to someone and expect them to take care of you, we often in love lose our worth. At the hands of the one we love, we expect them to value the love. Question is, the one we choose, are they worth it?

If you have a lot of love to give, you need to find someone who returns it in the way that satisfies and justifies your love for them as well. Half hearted effort and emotional torture is just a sadistic way to boost self ego. 

Often it happens that people play with the feelings of another. Everyone has a past, but if you don't learn from it, it's going to repeat itself. In my life, i've learnt one thing, love and be happy, if unrequited mourn for your love because it's needed but don't keep looking at the past. There is someone out there who is willing to love you the way you want to be loved. Find them. There is a chance where you will be misguided again and your heart will break again but imagine if it doesn't, imagine if you get love back. 

Lost!

A fluttering of wings,

A desire within,

A shape it holds,

A pair of hands cold,

A persona so different,

A thin veil to see,

A clarity one seeks,

A reality is seen,

A run ending in chase,

A memory slipping thin,

A crown thrashed to the ground,

A lie caught, now afar, unfound!

Be Free

I never held you shackled,

I never kept you glued,

I asked and prayed for you to stay,

To hold you, love you and make you smile,

But somewhere I realised,

Love is not a crime,

If you don't love someone right,

There are others who value you alright,

If they like to see you beg,

Let them leave in an instant,

You deserve the love you give,

Twofold back and more to begin with. 

Are You a Control Freak?

Even as adults, there are days when you end up fighting with your siblings. Irrespective of how good a relationship you have with them, there will always be some points of clash. We often take family for granted. That’s the one thing that we can too if you are lucky enough. The fact that you are united by blood may have some say. Individual personalities often take roots and create some amount of clash. One thing that I have learnt is that you cannot in any situation impose your will on anyone. Whether they take it, live it or berate it, under pressure or get annoyed but still do it. If you live your life a certain way, you really have no authority over the way the other lives especially when the other is an adult too. Priorities may be different but that does not mean that everyone is a perfectionist. Procrastination is a trait in many and should never be undermined. No one wants to be pushed into doing things they don’t want to always.  For instance, one person may prefer to wake up and get things done quickly. They may want to clean first, or do the home chores first while the other might like to wake up to steaming cuppa and read the news or relax before taking on the day. This is individual nature and should never be imposed; I say distribute the responsibility and let the other manage it. Being a control freak never really leads to appreciation.

Now don't get me wrong, I love my siblings but sometimes it's very difficult to deal with them. This leads to disharmony and I hate that really. The level of frustration totally kills me and I just have to vent. One of my sisters is a control freak. She has a great heart but sometimes her habits drive me crazy. She usually is a fun person, I have loads of fun with her but when she gets into her Monica mode, there is no stopping her. The worst is that she will use the points or things you have shared with her strategically at this point that it really kills it. I mean if you have a generous heart, which she does, you shouldn't make the other feel burdened because of it. If you have a set pattern, which she does because she has been living away from home for almost 12 years now and I can totally understand that she is now set in her patterns. There are some flaws of hers which just do not do. Like she will not share the entire facts, she will do as she sees fit explaining that she has been around the world and dealt with many people, I agree which gives her an edge but hey we are not fools here either. Plus, she has this nasty habit of fighting. She has been for a very long time. She gets aggressive these days and I know that since she is going through a rough patch, this is bothering her but still...SHE IS SUCHA CONTROL FREAK!

Control freaks usually have certain points that egg the other on and end up usually in a disagreement of sorts. Constructive criticism is only so much tolerated. There is a limit to when you should draw the line or the giver must understand how it affects the other person. It’s great that you know the right way to do some work and by all means you should be the one doing that job. Why make the other do it on your terms? So in order to determine if you are a control freak and you are making someone else’s life a misery please check the following:

• Someone else’s behavior when changed can bring you happiness. So, you “help” them and “tell” them what they are doing wrong or what their flaws are, only to make them become a better person.
• You have a set notion on how things should run. No one is allowed free time, neither do you. You are constantly on the move and expect others to do the same.
• You keep judging a person as per your standards and let them know it too.
• Constructive criticism” is always a good thing (NOT)
• You scare them into believing that what they don’t do or are not doing might lead to devastating consequences.
• You avoid confrontation and start the blame game.

I cannot help you with how to deal with a control freak but I’ll let you know once I figure it out for myself.

Images: google

A point of view

She glanced up to spot the blossoms,

He whispered “What’s so extraordinary in that?”

She uttered “The circle of life”,

“What scorches must rebuild to survive,”

He cried “Nothing is exquisite when it’s desiccated,”

She replied “Attempt to regard the various possibilities”,

He spotted the grass ashen, parched it appeared,

But she saw the tiny sprout that was anticipating bloom,

He shouted “What’s so special in that bush with no beauty”,

She revealed “Observe how it intensifies existence of life,”

He declared “You are a sucker, who appreciates grandeur in every fold,”

She smiled at the ignorance he clutched

A moment's thought!

There, 2016 is closer than we think and I am still at a place where I am waiting for my life to sort itself. Well, it won't because that's my job. It's a job that I have been lacking at. I have been so busy sorting everyone else's life that I forgot that I need mine sorted. They get the life they dreamt of and with a person who now has the sorted version but what about me. I end up right back where started. I think it's time to choose me, my life and give my happiness a priority because if I am not happy, others around me won't be either. 

Move on!

I've gotten so busy, or atleast making myself so busy that I don't want have the time to write. So many things have happened these past couple of days and I am still trying to recover and adjust to the situation. 

Acceptance is the key really. It hurts like a bitch but the strength you need to generate to move on in your life is needed and no matter how much you look for it outside, it always is insidious. Quitely observing people and now making an assessment of them is what I am trying to inculcate in myself. 

We often just casually meet people,talk and not read how their response is and what they are really trying to say. That is the key. Because little things matter and help you understand a person better. More on this later as of now just think "this too shall pass" and charge ahead. 

But!

I miss you but I choose me,

I miss your laugh but I need to laugh,

I miss your smile but I need mine back,

I miss your talks but I need my sanity,

I miss your hugs but I need to feel my embrace,

I miss your heart but I need to save mine,

I miss your sighs but I need to reserve mine,

I miss your dreams but I need to live my reality,

I miss you but I need to stop these tears too. 

Commitment - Why is it an issue?

Relationships are delicate. There is no perfect partner or a perfect relationship. We need love and support in order to grow, companionship to help us deal with reality and the struggles of life. We often in that journey find people who blemish the experience or relatively help us grow. Today we will talk about commitment phobic people. Men and women alike suffer from this phobia. It is such an empty space to be at, where you can’t give yourself to the other completely. How would you understand, realize the potential of you and your partner’s to have a healthy relationship? Accepting the fact that loves evolves often escapes the dictionary of the gamophobe. They leave you traumatized; you end up blaming yourself, analyze your actions and revisit the episode repeatedly and end up feeling not good enough.

Like it or not, in the matters of the heart, the mind often gives out. Love is pure, it is often the behavior and experiences interrelated with the people we are in love with that ruin it. With the emotional baggage that we carry, it leads us to a place where we are so messed up that when the real thing comes and knocks on the door we are too scared to see it, grab it and then end up cribbing about it. There is a pattern that comes to play and should serve as a checklist before you emotionally invest yourself in a person. It is often difficult to differentiate at the start of any relationship and therefore after doing a lot, and I mean a lot of research, sleepless nights etc. I present to you with the facts. This post contains information from research conducted by authors Steven Carte and Julia Sokol and Google ofcourse.

Basic Profile of the Gamophobe

The phobia may have its roots from a previous distress or a disgruntled family. They might want a relationship but are afraid to commit to one.   There is a lot of negative reinforcement that might have come from previous relationships which deepen the fear of commitment but what they don’t realize is how they aggravate it. The root cause is fear of deep emotional connect. They are tortured souls. They are stuck in a cycle of negative belief system about how love or commitment may affect them, their independence or add to their fears. They go through the cycle of anguish, pain, confusion and anger more than once which creates an indifferent, uncanny and impulsive or often a volatile personality. Since every person is an individual, a person may exhibit some of all traits with varying intensity.

Commitment phobe men prefer or rather target women who are independent and located at places away from their location as they desire their liberties and space. They always have a hidden agenda. They usually have a string of short lived relationships. They may fool around a lot. They may be single or may have been married for a short while; they may have a past full of infidelity. They usually choose women who are ideally not their “type” of women. There may be age difference; nationality difference etc. so that they can inherently ensure that the relationship will be short lived. The type of fear should be understood, is it a fear of rejection or a fear or marriage. They may not always be a cheater but they are self-damaging. They often choose women who may not want commitment themselves, so that when the emotional connect happens either of the two cases happen – 1. The woman leaves because she never wanted to commit or 2. If she changes her mind, the gamophobe ghosts or creates further walls that eventually the woman lets go.

Occupation wise, they may work careers where there is frequent change possible. They prefer a job where they can work on their own terms, with their own freedom and space. It has to be a busy job so that they can invest more of them into work than in any sort of relationship. They avoid social gatherings. They may often be control freaks and dominating. The partner is often a submissive. They don’t like arrangements, especially in their personal lives. They learn to compartmentalize their personal and professional life. The long distance relationships help in disconnecting a relation of the partner with the friends and family.

Mind games are a predominant feature of this phobia. They can be temperamental or standoffish and lay the responsibility of the same on the woman for why they are behave so peculiarly.  They are hard to contact. Social media is thus the easiest way to fulfill the need for intimacy and connection with anonymity.. There is lack of relationship because of an online presence; proximity is not there so it becomes easy and thus easier to find people, someone who is vulnerable, and someone they can connect with.  It is also easy to disappear. They fib, or they are ambiguous and mysterious about their whereabouts and what they do to get back their space.

Their living arrangements are often unconventional. A lot of the connect in the relationship may be sexual and they may be drawn to women who express themselves sexually. They may give some way of contact for fulfillment of sexual needs and nothing more than that. They are into substance abuse. It’s almost like déjà vu every time with them because the pattern consistently keeps running. It may leave you wondering how many women before and after you have come and left. They always will bail. Such people are emotionally cut off from themselves and often may be confused about what they want. Isn’t it best then to know this and be with a person who is also looking for the same. The longevity of the relationship can easily be decided by the both of them.

Commitment Phobic man – The Relationship Life Cycle

Stage 1:  The Chase

This stage involves identifying the woman that attracts them, a muse or a tease or an emotionally vulnerable woman can be the target. Once identified they move ahead aggressively to chase her passionately till the woman is won over. They may understand what is it that makes the woman fall for a person and bring them to a place where they end up feeling for the person. All of this happens at their convenience and happens to convince them.  They will treat the lady like a queen. The best trait that they have is that of charm, they do the right things and say the right words. They are very romantic, they work at getting their needs met and often have little concern for woman they are pursuing. Such men are usually very loving and benevolent, which stems from the fact that they are sure the relationship will be a short lived one and they may not have to consistently giving care and love. These are learnt social skills that make them more attentive and charming towards their partner.

This stage is all about the chase. The thrill of the pursuit is what keeps them on their toes. They love the chase but they don’t want a commitment for the same. As long as the chase is there, the gamophobe sticks to the relationship. They often hint at not wanting a long term relationship. Periods of ghosting follow, and this becomes a consistent pattern. This is rather dishonest because you know the game and the other person is lead on.

Stage 2: “Seduction/Rejection Game

This forms the basis of the second stage. They don’t commit to the relationship and yet they don’t walk away either. The woman in the relationship is often the object of lust. Since the chase makes the women fall for them, they crave intimacy too and well if they are offering, why not! The other “L” letter word is not found.  The gamophobe seduces the partner and strings them so that they can’t “hurt” them and feel that lying is a better option. Even though they may tell the women a lot of truth about themselves, they do hide or alter some facts. They know and will tell them that they use the woman for emotional dependency and how they make them want to change. The charmer works the magic and yet the uncertainty remains. A state of confusion arises; they want the woman when she is not available to them but when she returns so does the perplexity. There is always a story to support the behavior. When the woman decides to leave, they might promise change but that rarely happens. The woman may become low on their priority list. They keep reemphasizing and subtly announce the fact that this time is special and the paths will be diverted in the near future. The hint of “no future together” is quite classic and cliché. The friends with benefits scenario perfectly fits here. When the woman start standing up for yourself, the gramophone usually turns to stage 3. This may be inflicted because of the fear of rejection. So they plan to reject first when they feel that they or the women are ready to take the relationship forward.

Stage 3: Exit

They finally “have” the person. The connect begins to mean something. The fear which was latent is now full on charge mode. They consider appeals for needs as bids and develop a behavior in which they are furious, abhorrent and stubborn. Since an ongoing intimate relationship often heads into the direction of commitment, they prepare an exit strategy. So after investing months and years by the girl in hope that the gamophobe may see the worth of the relationship are spent and similarly for the guy is dependent on the girl for emotional support. But he knows that he will leave her when and if he gets there.  Thereby he makes sure that the relationship will never grow and they neither intent for the same. They often withdraw sexually at this point in order to move out. They usually have two options, one is to move towards total promiscuity, engaging in lust or they go cold. They will want to push the women away. So basically a behavior that hurts and make the women want to leave. Committing to anything is a lot of stress for them. They intend to change but that will always be intent and the cycle continues. But it ends up in a typical heartbreak.

  

The gamophobe often repeats the same pattern over and over which in turn hurts the person and others more. As we grow up we acclimatize to the changes and situations that are presented to us. How you get out of this vicious circle is the key. Change is constant. Accepting that change should be as well. A commitment phobe has less patience and walks away soon without trying, well because of the fear that the person has. All relationships need time and work. Be it long term ones or short term ones. That’s the challenge in sustaining a committed relationship. But sometimes accepting the things as they are and walking away is a better option than playing games. But it is natural that hurt comes out in some form. In order to release from this pattern, it is often not an easy job. It requires a lot of effort, patience and support. Lying to yourself and escaping reality is rather short lived but it needs to stop. Getting an ego boost based on someone else’s feelings is never right. You are your known judge even though you might hate when others judge you. Take care of yourself. Even if you don’t care there are people in your life other than the short lived relationships who care for you. When you are not on an ego trip and you meet someone who is interesting and someone worth a try, you are naturally more at ease and yourself.

Images courtesy google

Difficult times!

Some days you wake and up and you make a choice. A choice to choose yourself. If someone wants to be a part of you, they have to make an effort. If you love a person, you don't hurt them. You cherish them, you value their worth in your life. You make them feel important, needed, wanted. If not, you don't deserve them. They choose you inspite of everything, but if instead of smiles you gift them tears, they have to move to a place where they are happy. 

It may hurt them, kill them but they trusted their heart to you, they don't deserve torture and definitely not kept in the dark. How does it feel to be used, mistreated and kept aloof. Telling them lies and making them cry everyday, making them stop their life for you and still get nothing. If you are willing to let them go, don't cry. If you want them to stay, don't make them wait. Fight for them. If you are not willing to, let them walk away. They are worthy of more. 

The End!

What mistake did I make?

What did I do to make you hurt me?

I'll walk away today,

You don't need me it seems,

You pushed me away,

Left me helpless and dismayed,

Packed my bags, feelings and tears,

Will take them away where you won't see,

What good are they to you?

You never wanted my soul,

I don't know what hurts more,

The way you used me or left me ashore,

No you never cared, now I know,

I was just another fling, just another flame,

Let me burn now since you wished me away,

Destiny never refused us, you did,

The thread didn't snap, you broke it. 

Beautiful Mornings

I love this time of the year. There is a slight nip in the air. The season of celebrations is here. The days are shorter, nights longer, more time to sit and observe the glorious dark sky. It's already October, life is moving way to fast. Every moment is flying, every moment without a good memory. 

Two more months and the dawn of a new year, new resolutions, new challenges, new success and hopefully new dreams. There are so many things I wanted to achieve in this year ( let's not go there now) but so much of life to go about. There is life bursting in every corner. Saw the cutest little thing -

All blissfully sleeping. So much cuteness. 

An Unfinished Tale of Two Hearts!

Once upon a time, there was a happy girl. She bore no worries of the world and lived her life to the fullest. Then as youth took over, she thought she found what she thought was the love of her life. Rubila had been so happy, started dreaming of the future but as fates would have it, she saw her dream broken. Years passed and she tried to catch a glimpse of the little happy girl who was trapped under the mountain of misery. Slowly, she learned how to live with the pain. She learnt how to lock away the hurt and pain. She decided to live again.

As she was on a path of self-discovery, there came a man Baahir, who she believed was as broken as her. One day he spoke to her, told her things he said no one else knew. They bonded over heart break and sorrow. As the days grew to nights, they connected on. Rubila enjoyed how Baahir challenged her mind. She wanted to be by his side. The things Baahir did for her, gave her goosebumps. She always valued little things. They were two intimate souls who were pulled towards each other. Rubila never wanted to feel again because she was the kind of woman who gave her all. She knew that if she was not careful, she would slip. Baahir sustained the path, made Rubila fall for him. She thought to trust him and let him inside to finally find peace. She thought of Baahir as the friend and a comrade that would support her, heal her too. She knew how she had fought her way to sanity and she wanted to do the same for Baahir. She did not want love, just friendship and understanding of Baahir. She wanted to take care of him. She wanted to heal him. Her pain made her miserable, one smile and her day was made. She knew that if she had fell for him, she would be at his side no matter what. She cared not of what he was, but who he was. She told him all about her insecurities, all her weakness. He laid a trap of words and she went through the slide, she slipped.  She started feeling a little, she waited for his words, she worried and cared for him so.

Then one day Baahir left her. Rubila felt so lost and wounded. She did not know what she had done wrong. Baahir made sure that he left no means of communication. Rubila had always been an open book. Baahir was clever. He left her with an eerie silence. Rubila was paralysed into non action. She lay lump with only tears by her side. She wrote, that’s the only way she could console herself. She never thought Baahir would do this to her, of all the people she never expected him to hurt her because he knew what would kill her. But Baahir poisoned her. She cried day and night. Her eyes sacrificed their sanity and then the unthinkable happened. Baahir came back one day, explaining to her that he was scared and unable to move away from his past, he told her why he left. He tested her time and again. She coped every now and then but still pined for him because he had made sure she falls for him.

Time and again this became a pattern. Rubila cursed the fates again but then Baahir came back, that’s how he pulled her and pushed her back from and to insanity. She thought he felt the same, scared as he may have been but he cared for her. Things soon used to get back to normal but they grew closer everytime or so she thought. Everytime Baahir brought her closer to him only to thwart her out again. He left her three more times only to come back. He told her she had become his crutch, the one he always came back to. And inspite of every hurt, she took him back. The made promises to each other, she thought Baahir would keep, thinking he was mature enough but then again he used all her weaknesses as ammunition against her. One night, he broke her again. He was used to letting go; she was used to walking away. She left to cry alone for nights together. She decided to let things be this time, Baahir still called to her, making her rethink her decision. She thought that maybe her absence would make Baahir overcome his fear and come to terms with how he felt for her. Maybe they could be friends, for she felt for him, cried for him.

 But little did Rubila know, time does help see past people’s appearances. Baahir found distraction in Pakiza. He serenaded her with words, talks of love and more. All that he shied away from Rubila. That killed her soul. She still gave Baahir the benefit of doubt. Baahir had always kept Rubila in the dark. He had lied to her, duped her and left her. And yet again forced by her heart, she decided to give him a chance to tell her the truth. She waited patiently, still waiting with open arms. She missed him terribly, she had always been honest about her feelings for him, even if Baahir had not been. She liked how she had saved little of him with her and how she read him or heard him, such a miserable fool she had become. Baahir, dwindled between both. He played the strings of both. But just as Rubila thought she would let him go, Baahir caught her again. He gave her a ray of hope again. Pakiza, went unaware, looking for a lover she had lost too. She saw glimpses of him in Baahir, he aided it too. That had been Pakiza’s pattern too. She was a misguided, hungry soul who clung to anyone who would attend to her. Rubila went through this torture again. Baahir had found another of her weakness and used it to torture her. She grew frail and weak. She was lost . Rubila did not have the strength to relive her horrors again. She had sacrified a lot of herself to survive with what had happened to her. She did not wish to go through the same again. Lust for Baahir pulled Pakiza in for just as he pulled in Rubuila, he let go of Pakiza and when finally she thought she came home to Baahir, he locked her out again.

It was tough for Rubila to tell Baahir that she knew who he really was. She knew the truth about most lies he had told her. She could walk upto to where he was but she didn’t. She wanted to gain his trust and then his adoration. She wanted him to tell her that what she had thought he felt was true or even if Baahir didn’t, he atleast owed Rubila the truth. Feelings need to be reciprocated. They need to be told, they should not feel forced upon. So Rubila waited for the day Baahir would himself unfold all the lies. In her heart, Rubila had not forgiven him , though thoughts and confusion still lingered in her mind. She had believed all the lies Baahir had told her. She was sold on them. She had fallen for the man Baahir had created. She knew the truth about his professional life, but there were still confusion about his personal life. Maybe he lied to her about how broke he was. Maybe he just desired Rubila for the brief time that they had. Maybe he already belonged to someone else, had responsibilities of children and more. Rubila was confused but she waited. She cried and was tormented at the thought that of all the hurt she had faced. She had trusted the wrong man again. She had fallen for the wrong man again. A man who used all her weakness to break her and kill her. Rubila knew not that how many more would suffer his wrath. Pakiza was a prey still in the making, she was still hooked but for now Rubila had to worry about herself.

One fine day, Rubila gathered all courage and asked Baahir to answer questions and release Rubila of the feelings. But Baahir wasn’t as kind as she had thought he would be. He left her yet again. Unaware and unaided thinking she was helpless. But what Baahir did not anticipate was that Rubila knew who he was this time. She was not as helpless as he thought he’s left her. Since Baahir did not even bother to clarify his stance, maybe he could not overcome the guilt if any, he stayed away. Maybe to make up another character, and target another prey. Rubila decided she would not be a victim of a sadist again. With that she put all of her feelings behind her, one day she would again be on the path of her life happy and free but for now, she wished Baahir the best and prayed to the Gods to show him mercy and the knowledge to not use others and hurt them. She waited for Baahir to confess but then she knew she was stronger. She promised herself she would be kind to her if no one was, she would love and respect herself, if no one else did. Rubila walked, tears streaming of the mistake she made. A lesson learned. A hope dismayed. Somewhere within her she may still hope that Baahir would turn out the man she thought he was, but she can’t wait for long now. She can’t take the hurt now. So, she walked ahead, by herself, to see what life promised her. But then Baahir made an honest confession, but to his dismay she still does not believe him. A part of her wants to, walk with blind faith where he would lead her. Just when she thought she would have her questions answered Baahir had to leave, she waits with baited breaths, wondering hoping that this time, for all times sake, Baahir would keep his promise that he will come back and the smoke will clear, the air will be clean enough for her to breathe, her tears will finally say good bye.

THE END…. don’t know…yet!

Fight!

There have been epic love stories, numerous love letters, melodies, beautiful poetic verses about “Love of my life”. Who is the love of your life? The person who loves you unconditionally or the one you love or loved? No matter what the circumstance or the situation. The person who didn’t choose you, how do they get the label of “ The Love”, should it not be for the person who stays with you for your life. Who loves you through good and bad times, accepts the broken you, happily lives in the tiny tiny space that you allow them to live in and understands the fact that the majority of that heart belongs to someone else. Who is that person then? What do you call them? What are they designated as?

Every person is damaged goods, everyone has a past. Everyone has their own set of nightmares and demons that ride the nights and make days a misery. We start to build a wall around us and yet we are so open to tell anyone or that someone all about what went wrong, maybe searching for that someone who will listen to the story and still be there holding our hand tightly afterwards. Is it because we want that wall broken? The scars healed? Maybe. But then why do we not recognize the people who acknowledge our scars? Why is it that a memory wins and a living person is left tormented? Is that right? Then why open up, why give a peek inside the wall and show who you are as a person.  Why drag the other person to your hell, when they are burning in their own. If the “love of your life” is living their life, why believe that you are cheating on them, on a memory rather. They moved on right, why are you stuck?

Why is it that some seek out another damaged souls, urge them to open up, wait for them to accept you as you are, make you fall for them and then back down. Why? Everybody is scared, some hide it better.The game of hide and seek is really not something that you play with another, especially the damaged. The hot and cold or the pull and push strategy, why would you even play mind games, lie and fabricate stories.Is it that when someone breaks you, you decide that the one person who truly cares for you suffers the brunt of it. So you burn them to get your revenge on what…love?

I used to believe in “love of my life”, “one man woman” concepts, so naïve, but I have come to realize that it is not about who loves you or who you love but it’s about who accepts you as you are and offers that hand to steady you every time you fall or wipe the tears every time they falls or just give you the shoulder to rest your head on. Not someone who plays with you, just to get a brief sense of how life could be only to abandon later. Such people are never reliable. You know when you unconditionally love someone, with all the passion you have in you, you give them power. They will abuse that power, intentionally or unintentionally, at some point in their lives. You will do things for them, you will go out of your way, you will fight for them as you should because you love that person. But at some point, you also need to know that you have to fight for yourself too. All this while you are fighting for the other but no one really is fighting for you. They let you go, you let yourself go, you break, you shatter and yet when someone tries to piece you together, you push them. They are the ones who are fighting for you, they need your respect.  You only matter when someone chooses you, irrespective of everything, they choose you. Know them, judge them, respect them and care for their feelings, before it’s too late. Life is meant to be lived, even when shadowed with the past or the many other challenges you will face. Life is not linear, amongst the darkness there is always a light, guide yourself to it, through the tears and the fear. So, fight for you, live for you…you deserve it and give it back ten folds who help you through it!

Unsure!

You know how irritating it gets when you have to take decisions that alter your life and circumstances or people delay them. You cannot blame situations but you sure can blame people. I thought life was supposed to get easy once you are an adult. You are supposed to know better, you have various experiences that help you know what's right and wrong , you have maturity to take solid decisions and you definitely have the resources to make legitimate, sensible decisions. Then why is it that as you grow up, things become more complicated?

Two and a half days of not moving out of my bed, thinking things through, anger attacks, eating meds, sleeping, talking to friends, more thinking, anxiety attacks, talking to friends, etc etc and I am still unable to have a plan of action for my life ready and workable. Escapism attitude is what hinders the decision making process. As an adult, people affect you and your decisions. You invariably end up altering your decisions, which sometimes you have to, as they affect others associated with you. whether it's a direct link or an indirect one, they do. Why are people so complicated? They make the decision making so much harder, was the thought that primarily worked my mind. Why are people selfish, mean and utterly impossible. You can still provide logic but how much of that logic really makes sense to a person is upto them. You know how you seek peace from life, or maybe just one aspect of your life but when none of the avenues provide peace but end up in chaos where do you go? I feel like I am already 60 and like there is nothing to look forward to. Even if there is , I am so scared that I feel it will only be worse. And yeah yeah I'm reading positivity article but that's all BS. 

The best part about my bed ridden days ( apart from horrible meds, yuck) was the fact that I was able to list down a lot of things. Figure out patterns, remake my to-do list, read some amazing books, catch up on movies, cry my soul to some satisfaction, listen to some amazing music, laughed some to make the heart feel a little better (thanks to some people) but this uneasy feeling, it just does not go  away. Some people I spoke to told me to hold on, maybe it's just bad timing. Some told me to not give a shit. Some told me to focus on other things, some to distract myself. But after all the advice you get, you have to come back home to yourself, to your emotions, to your suffering, to your destiny. What do you do then? I am still deciding! 

Hearts Played as Toys!

Laid faith, decided to trust again,

Shattered once more, the pieces lay,

Eyes bleed and they hurt much more,

Can you ever trust anyone?

When they use your being,

Your truth, your world, words and your soul,

All of it stands bleeding,

They watch it being torn to bits,

Every single day they relish in it,

How do you believe every word they ever said?

Make you mistrust your judgement for good,

Maybe you are never enough,

Just something to pass the time by,

It's unfair that you unlearn what you know,

But where do your feelings go?

It pains that you still care so much,

Irrespective of the lies they yielded,

It hurts that you still think maybe just maybe,

They might have been true from the beginning,

Is there no guilt they have?

Did they use you without any qualms?

Were you just another addiction?

Just a thing to be used and broken.

Questions!

Will you be ok if someone takes me away?

Will you not worry how I live everyday?

Will you want to see me smile sometime?

Will you write me that letter you promised me a long time?

Will you cry if someone hurts me?

Will you even bother to know if I see me?

Will you wipe the tears I cry in vain?

Will you return if I need you one day?

Will you seek me if I vanish from the world itself?

Battle!

Off late I think my immunity has broken up with me. Everytime I start stressing over something, inmunity says a harsh goodbye and fever becomes my new best friend. 

I think now that it may be a defence mechanism for my body to fight emotions. Fever is like Batman who wanders and hides in a cave. There is a constant battle between the white blood cells and my stress now. Stress always wins. 

So, I've been stressing over a certain something the most ( because yeah I have a fucking list to stress over), it largely preoccupies a lot of space in my life. This is affecting me way more than I thought it would, rather should. But it does. 

My doctor, who keeps suggesting ( more like direct hints actually), that there is always a solution to any problem. You might not like the solution but there is. But this issue, affects me a lot deeper. On my subconscious level rather. It's changing me in ways which I don't quite yet understand ( this is not the delusion from the fever speaking, fyi). 

The more I think of a solution, the more stress I call into my life. It's like you build a tower and when someone breaks it the first time, you fall but it leaves an impact. So you try to rebuild it better, more advanced, higher and more secure. You deem it unreachable by many and you are happy standing watching the world pass by. You keep the broken bits for remembrance sake, as lessons. But then when someone manages to reach the tower again, you commend the effort and you trust them not to break it. And then when they do, the fall is always fatal. 

Amongst the Ruins!

In secrets he hides,

It isn't a wonder or a delight,

Little does the fickle soul know,

His thread is entwined with someone,

How do you explain to him,

His actions hurt more or words,

His silence kills, questions need explaining,

Immature behaviour to finish what he started,

Compromise with destiny we do,

Is what we are taught anyway,

But,why can't she be the one to take the call,

Why can't she be the one to choose the way forward,

Let the decision be hers,

Since she gave her all,

This is at least what she deserves,

Pushing her away, driving her insane,

Replacing her so quickly,

Making her feel helpless, unwanted again,

Making her a stranger in an instant,

Lies he spoke to her,

How does this help anyway?

Does he think this will aid her in anyway,

Now he stands proud king of one more ruin,

Her prerogative should be to make the choice,

But she didn't choose to fall,

To face his cruelty a million times and more,

To cry every night for all that she has suffered till now,

But since she did, can he be kind is all,

In the matters of heart, logic sometimes works,

But let her make that choice,

So tell her what's on his mind,

He left her bitter and cold,

Don't let her die in regret,

Maybe this is the game he played,

Never bothered him anyway,

A stranger in the night,

He made sure he could run away unidentified,

But she has questions,

Her tears demand answers,

She will let him be then,

Even if they live different lives,

It's her right to know the truth to survive. 

Walk the Starlit Night!

And again on the same path,

The same road, so afar,

Pain seems to be familiar,

Is she broken yet?

Asks the mirror,

Tears leave the eyes wondering,

What fallacy did they commit it seems,

When will the heart cease to bleed,

The thorns prick unseen,

Is he done being cruel?

Has he found another?

Is she not worth loving,

Asked the moon shining,

The stars sing a lullaby,

Does he miss her sighs,

But life goes on,

Move where no one seeks you,

Walk away if they don't see you,

The part of you that loves so,

Take it along and use it well,

Someone somewhere out there,

Is in need of a little comforting. 

Change!

When is it ever enough? How do you decide what you do for the other person is recripocated and valued? How do you know that the effort you take in making someone's day special really brings happiness. For eg, if you do something maybe plan something for someone like really put in some serious thought and get a "thanks" for that, how do you figure your thoughts were valued and your effort recognised?

In a world which is weaved from lies, what and who does the heart trust. How do you know that someone really cares for you? Do you matter to them? Would they be broken if you left? Will you even be missed if you vanished?

I used to believe people when they told me things, when they told me things about them. I used to respond to them wholeheartedly. Someone at work today said something to me that made me wonder, she said " you are such a loveable person and yet you have put yourself in a shell". This statement got to me. I used to be a person who used to open her arms to the world. Who used to believe in love, forevers, trust, loyalty and all things good, all things human. Who have I become? 

I don't trust my judgement anymore. I am perpetually scared of opening myself to the world. I feel wounded soon, scars of mine don't heal. I can't believe what people tell me. I have forgotten to love myself and think no one else can or ever will. It's brought me to a point where I am happy aloof, barring a few close friends. This happens when people betray you or use you. It leaves you empty. 

Someone called me a quitter a while back. I didn't feel bad, though the word stuck. Because they don't know your struggle, they don't know what you go through in reality. How you mask your pain. Moreover, I was a fighter, still am but now I do choose my battles. You fight when there is someone to fight along with you, not when you are all alone. Not when you are pushed away. And definately not when you are unwanted. So I walk away, that gives me peace. I totally cut off and live a life devoid of such people. It hurts and will but atleast you are strong enough to move ahead. So you cry in silence. Only you and your tears know the reality. 

Things have stopped affecting me. If they do, they have a major impact. And when they do, only I know what goes in me. I question my every move now. Even if someone tells me the truth, it's hard for me to trust them. 

The world teaches you to not be yourself, or rather be yourself with people who really matter and value you. Who along  with telling you how important you are to them, they show you in their actions too. Who have no veils, build no castle of lies, no facade. They are naked infront of you. They don't have to shield themselves from you. They tell you where it aches and want the comfort you provide them. They crave your healing touch. That's the kind of person you should open up to right, but how do you know who is that person.