Now, twitter is THE realm of the
brainy and the cheesy, there are individuals who you want to associate with,
who you crave to be friends with, who you desire to do (like literally). You
can say what you want to say only if you are not hell bent on claiming the prestigious status ( totally useless real life accolade) called “twitter
celebrity”. Not everyone will respect your views and that’s OK but people
who get on twitter with the aim to have mass followings, have a totally different
agenda. Mine was and I am not ashamed to say, will always be to vent. It is such
a relief to just say what you want without bothering about the fact that
you may be annoying factually a 1000 or more people at once but hey “mah twitter
mah rulez” :p. I had never really given a
thought to the amount of pressure social media puts on you to become the better
or worse version of who you truly are.
Right, so I was never really active on
twitter because you know…tell me you know…well ok I don’t know (JESUS)..anyways
, so have been active (addicted) for a while now and definitely loving it so much that
officially my nick name from “nonu/nonz” has changed to “Tweety Singh” *insert
a deep heavy set sigh here*. There are certain aspects of
twitter that are truly despicable and one of them is groupism with
loads of hatred. There are battles of epic proportions
just flying around in thin air, people quoting tweets; insults bla bla like
real life was not sucky enough now you have people who trash you on the virtual platform
too.
Now, I may not be veracious, but
this is my scrutiny of what the twitter world (India centric mostly) is, no offence guys just trying
to figure stuff out here. So, here are the categories of tweeps found on twitter,
and no am not talking about celebrities, politicians, professional twitter
accounts , more like just a virtual scan of the general folks on twitter…ahem
let’s begin shall we…
THE TYRANTS
They are the "Gods" of twitter and deliver
great content, no doubt about that. They are the
oppressors, they have a certain fan following, they have their nemesis and they
do what they do best – spread their thoughts, ideologies and may also function
as opinion leaders for the naive. These are the people who choose to interact
with only a small sect of people. Outrage on almost any issue that comes into
the picture. Some ridiculously flirt with whoever they fancy, most responses are given to specific people and response to other generic folks is often dependent on their mood or choice . They RT the ass-lickers and are somewhat so hooked on to their
ideals and thoughts that they sometimes act so mulish and forget to understand
the view point of another and oh FYI they are mostly anonymous. They may play powerful
roles in real life and hence the dominant forms of leadership traits are often
exhibited by them.
THE RETWEETERS
These are the people who primarily are in it for the fame. It’s like the
archaic barter system, you RT mine and I’ll RT yours. The popular RT spree is their weapon of choice. Some will literally retweet without reading (so
annoying), it’s like sitting through a horrible episode of “The Attack of the ReTweeters” (season xyz episode no. I don’t fucking care). I mean guys really just
read the stuff you are RTing, I don’t want to read about people’s bowel cycles
or their sex lives.
THE INTELLECTUAL TWEETERS
This lot is the brainy lot that does
massive research in order to tweet well. Because hey we all know if you are
that good, you just have to show off right. There are some as I have come to know, who take it upon themselves to educate
you. That is the second most agenda followed by - oh look! am so cool and famous.
They will constantly pimp their posts, their life, their achievements – Dude
that’s what facebook is for. I don’t need to know who you are; I just want to
read what you write. These intellectuals feel that sharing their life’s details
is what we all crave to read, cue “Celebrity Mania”. In spirit of being a true
intellectual, they will opine about everything – gather evidence and well you
know the rest.
THE FUNNY GUYS
They are like the brady bunch of
twitter, constantly making fun of anything they can get their hands on really.
They are perpetually funny (or atleast try to be), they don’t interact much , they have
their genre defined. They will pimp their tweets from years ago and be like
see “Told you so…… now laugh”. Am not saying they are not funny, they are
sometimes so much that you actually just want to read them but there is no
variety. Yet, they are very communal, they will associate with other funny men
and “help” them spread their humour.
Such people are often condescending and if they are good looking well sweety,
you amount to nothing.
THE HOTTIES
Ok, so these are the dudes/dudettes who are
the hottie’s of social media. Good looking blokes/lassies and yes a brain to back them
looks too but OMG ok enough already..let me know when you will come off that
shiny horsey and accept the fact that NOT every woman/man alive has the hots for
you. I mean really ok given you are cute, you are brainy but hello check that
attitude please and come back when you have showered your ego and are back on
earth. Must be tiring for that big ass attitude to settle down.
THE TWEETHEARTS
Now these are the people who truly
make your experience wonderful. They might not have the constant amazing tweet generating
brain but they are amazing people, who are really the tweeps who you truly begin to
cherish. They don't have a set genre which is what I love about them because variety and ofcourse they have these awesome witty moments, backed by punny statements, dirty interactions that make you fall in love. You adore them for their wit but you end up loving those cute lil buggers.
THE GATHERERS
Now it is no surprise that
twitter brings forth the best of trends and here comes the job of the gatherers.
These are the people who are nerdy, geeky, info hogs etc etc call them whatever
you like but they are the ones who will hunt down and seek information and
deliver it to ya. There is a certain awe-factor attached to this because you
know, I mean respect for all that effort but it does leave you with the feeling
of confusion and ultimately the question of "WHY would I want to know that?"
THE ASS LICKERS
OMG these are the worst, granted
you have talent but hey why do you have to lick someone’s ass to be famous.
Like this is your life’s agenda is to be famous on twitter – like really, think
big man and oh ya curb that licking!
THE ASS KICKERS
Now this is the group I like, they
may have a bit of all of the above mentioned traits but who cares because they
have BALLS. The way they battle and hold their ground is commendable. Though
they can be annoying at times but hey you gotta love em.
THE TROLLS
Argg the worst kind this, some
are cute though - the only perk. But these are the people who will just
take a fleeting thought you just had and you have " TROLL ALERT" (cue danger sounds). They will
battle left and right,try to condemn your
tweet and hell make you wish why you tweeted that damn thought in the first place.
THE HULKS
Now these are the gentle folk of
twitter, who follow you and then will flatter you, shower you with attention
and when you don’t do as they want (aka follow them), they hulk up. They will
start to berate you, abuse you and who knows start a hate club or parody
account or just do some mean shit. It is sad but unfortunately the reality. There are enough hulks
on twitter to make me hurl.
THE REPLIERS
Well sweety, I truly appreciate
that you hear me every time but please for the love of god, don’t reply to
everything I say. Sometimes I just want a thought out of my system and let it
rest in peace. No questions asked, no discussion needed like the shit you flush down every morning. You
don’t want it to resurface anytime soon now right. I mean yes, I agree I respond
to you out of sheer courtesy but please I want to see some new faces in my
notification. With that thought – THANK GOD FOR FAV BUTTON.
THE DAILY UPDATERS
Hehe ok I may be guilty of this but
why not atleast this is some fun – at times. These are the people who will
tweet random life stuff…oh look a butterfly….oh look an asshole….it just is
their innate desire to speak to someone and just drill out all the secrets they
may have. Not denying AT ALL that they are fun but you know show me something
else.
THE TWEETSPEARS
These are the kinds who really do
churn out some good poems/verses, they may not be famous but it’s fun to read the dark
thoughts lingering beneath the darker personalities. No matter what, that's
talent right there, though I would appreciate if it’s simple poetry..hard to travel around
with a dictionary you see.
THE CRIBBERS
Sure you tweet well, and there is
no denying that fact but hey sometimes it’s not in your destiny to be famous. You
may have the right following, but not necessarily the right luck to be famous.
There are strategies you can use if you are that desperate. But please don’t
tweet about it. Accept it. Own it. But tweet well.
THE DM-ERS
The DM for dummies is the next
bestseller. You only have to follow such people, a few RTs later instant DM
happens and bang, it's like you are being interrogated. It’s like the CIA has taken over
and you are supposed to confess to all your felonies. The next step to this is
usually asking for whatsapp, followed by intense amount of stupid flirting and you end up thinking WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING when you
gave them your number. This is usually the younger (read virgin) crowd, who wanna”
try” new things. When you see one, HONEY run or NEVER TELL THEM THAT YOU ARE
SINGLE. ( caps..ya so you know the intensity of the madness).
THE GRAMMAR NAZIS
These are the people who have a
good command over the language and ofcourse will point out your typo as soon as
you hit “tweet” because you know ha! You , are just an imbecile who does not
know English.
THE CASANOVAS
Ahh the sexters…these are the
perpetually horny people who will try to land anything that remotely even
infringes on the topic of SEX. They will constantly be looking for people who
they can lure into their DMs and hurray a play date finally.
THE SLUTS
Mind you, this is not a sexist
category, it encompasses both the genders equally. These are the people who know
they are hot, brainless but that does not stop them from gaining followers...why you ask hahaha
( refer to the display picture please). Wait,
that’s the weapon..silly me just writing about them made me drop 10 points from my
IQ, so excuse this bit.
Well, these are all the types I
could think of, funny thing is I am still unsure of where I fit. Am not famous
and certainly do doubt my abilities at times here on twitter wrt to the coolness factor, the hotness
scale, to the point that once I took multiple online IQ tests to confirm that I am not dumb (Not a
word from you). But the fact of the matter is that yes, this is the world I have
come to enjoy. I have luckily found some really amazing people to connect with
and some shittier ones too . I’ve had crushes and I’ve had heartbreaks. People here do have the potential to alter your
moods, hurt you, love you and ofcourse encourage you to be the shittier you. I
need to work on this bit though…someday maybe I will not let words and attitudes
affect me so. But this microblog is an epitome of the microlife
that we all live in reality.
P.S: Any additions to the above said categories
will be accepted with great enthusiasm provided its witty :p