Silent day, Silent night!

Silence helps,

The world shouts,

You become numb,

Sometimes you need,

To be on your own,

See how it feels,

To be in your zone. 

You seek guidance,

From the alimighty,

You fear your wounds,

Might never subside,

Then they turn to scars,

Only to be pulled apart.

They say time heals,

They say a lot of things,

They say have patience,

They say slay your demons,

But what they never say,

Is the pain you have to face,

It eats you inside, every night. 

So many types of pain we feel,

Some change us and,

Some change the way we feel. 

I sat still today,

Saw the world from everyway,

It does not help to see,

People happy and at peace,

Then I went to one and asked,

What is the secret to it all,

No one knows the answer to this,

They all live each and everyday it seems.  

Expect them not to serve your heart,

Don't think they think you are worth a lot,

Days to week to months to years,

You will just become a memory dear!

And then I thought of everyone,

Who once was mine and now are gone,

I made the effort always,

I knew their worth always,

So maybe I need a step back,

To merge in the world at large,

A tiny hope that someone will find me,

Someone will see my worth as I saw in many. 

When You Love Someone!

When you love someone,

You'll do anything, 

You'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain,

You'll shoot the moon, put out the sun, 

When you love someone,

You'll feel it deep inside,

Like nothing else can ever change your mind,

When you want someone,

When you need someone,

When you love someone. 

You'll sacrifice, you'd give everything,

You won't think twice,

Insane are these delights,

You'd risk it all, no matter what may come,

You'll shoot the moon, put out the sun,

When you love someone! 

A Stubborn Tear!

It is not up to you to fix people,

You cry for people, who won’t cry for you,

What you need is an equal promise of trust,

A heart that you have deserves the one who appreciates, is a must. 

What is once dead, no miracle can make it alive again,

You choose how you want to be,

Peace is in its acceptance really,

Happy are those who cherish the love they had,

But give another chance a try.

A life is meant to be lived,

Different phases are meant to be loved,

There will be who you love dearly,

They may not always cherish you so.

You are a person, who needs love,

And some of your hopes fulfilled,

Till when you will take the hurt,

Turn this heart into stone cold.

What’s meant to be will always find a way,

Your journey with some is meant to part ways,

Everyone offers their all when the choose someone new,

Otherwise no one would crave for the lost love and soul.

But people often forget they are not God,

Instead they want you to forget all you felt as all,

They have no right to force you apart,

How do they know the hurt they cause will heal,

They never remain too long to see the damage it seems. 

Fly as you are meant to,

Rise above the ones, who don’t value you,

Once a lesson learnt, if you don’t who is the fool,

Rid yourself of hands, that don’t want to hold you.

No one is special in this world,

It’s your affection for them that makes them so,

It’s better to be alone, than be with someone who does not desire you,

Be who you are, be strong to let them go.

It shouldn’t be tough,

When you think you can heal them,

Because one day they will leave with another,

Who did not accompany in their journey of healing their soul,

Then they will see no reason,

Then they will crave the other,

Because you are not the one they look for. 

But even then a stubborn tear falls,

All the pain enveloped in one,

It’s easy for them to leave and go back to their sadness,

Who takes care your tears, as they fall rapid.

How do you stop your heart to care?

What can you do to stop the ache,

Aching to hold them and cry out the pain,

Feelings shaped into words wait,

To be uttered to the one, they dare. 

So you cry and cry, till there is nothing left,

You become hollow and numb again,

What can you do, how can you convince,

The problem is not convincing them but your dear heart to begin with. 

A Ready Reckoner for Love and Life!

As we grow up we either pine away or towards love, the kind of love we dream about or the kind of love we seek or had. But somehow in our situation and the experiences we have, we often turn it rancid. There are some who are lucky in the pursuit of it; there are some who are happy when they get it, for however brief time it may be, there are some who remain forever hopeful. Sometimes a life lived becomes the breeding ground for all sorts of disappointments. We often stick to memories of youth or the ill parts of a bitter experience and then shape our lives according to it.

Love has been placed in a confined box and its definition has been twisted around to bring to one’s reason only. Love never gets you happiness. It’s the things you do in love that bring you that joy and you cherish those particular memories. Love is effort. To choose to be happy with the one who chose you. With so many others as option, they chose you. They love you. Respect that.  Love is never abusive, a person’s regard for you is. Love is never meant to be a road block; it’s supposed to open paths. Yet somehow we turn love into a wall and then use it against others.

Love should evolve. You may fall for a person for who they are but their behaviour, their trust, and faith is what keeps you together. You never want to live in the constant fear of being abandoned. If you want someone in your life, you make the effort. You need to have reverence for the other, the special things they do for you. A regard for their care and their time which they invest in you. Everyone looks and hopes for a happy and prosperous life and yet every one of us deals with hurt and disappointment at one point in our life. For instance, people who encounter their first sexual experience with a partner who they lost may not want to proceed to give another a chance, till they find a loving partner.  But some take life as it comes. They understand what was not meant to be and move on. It hurts like hell, yes, but it also gives them another chance to better their life. Love is never meant to hurt; it is a process that begins as a chemical reaction or an attraction towards certain attributes but it should not render you tears. That is not what love is.

“Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions.” ~Lloyd Strom

I read somewhere, a story by Silverstein, about a tiny piece that was missing its whole – it tried other pieces that tried to fit in, but it never really worked out. Then one day, it met something that had no missing pieces, which was complete on its own, and then the tiny piece learned that it does not need to fit with anyone else, it was complete on its own.

How you shape your story is never in your own hands, because there are always two people who are involved in love. The will to live it well is your choice. One sided or unrequited love will only lead to an unhappy place. There may be a lot of people we meet in our life and fall in love with, but they may not always be good for us, but sometimes we don’t even give it a chance because of our pre-set notions and thoughts. Our first romantic relationship for instance builds the critical thinking of how we look at other relationships. If it is a positive experience we build stronger bonds throughout our life whereas the negative experiences that we have like the loss of first love and under what circumstances it was dealt to us matter a lot. In life, you will get what is written. You will get what is meant for you. Whether it's pain or happiness, it is a journey. 

 For many like me, surviving a painful loss made me more resilient.  It took a lot of time to get to that stage and a lot of challenges too. I tried a lot of things, did a lot of stupid things, cried like crazy and purposely closed my mind towards various memories. 5 years of constant struggle to wake up everyday wishing things were different and hoping for just peace and not happiness. How you battle out every single day, how you cry yourself to sleep. How you want the affection of that one person who broke you, even if it's an apology but sometimes that never comes. People do not possess the same heart as yours, they will not do the things you are willing to do for them. So every time I have a negative experience, I go back to my shell. I remember all the years of struggle, and how much effort it took to come out of it.  But what we forget is that one experience doesn't define us. I found it again, the prospect to love but sadly it did not want to find me. Too much focus on the negative aspects of a loss is not a reflection of who you are because again there are two people involved. You try as hard you can, but you should never have to beg for love and affection.

I am happy not getting “love” anymore, neither I want to actively look for it again. A heart so broken that the will to search for it is no longer there, a choice made needs to be faced.  “This too shall pass”, it always does. You should seek understanding, care, respect and trust of a person. Those are the things which need work, love then follows. If you love a person truly, sometimes the paramount act of love is to let a person go. If two people are not scared to lose each other or miss the other, there is no hope anyway. You deserve to be loved as an equal when you give your love to another. It is a relief when you find a person who accepts you as you are, with whom you don't have to pretend. Where you can be comfortable doing all the mundane things and still wake up feeling beautiful and wanted no matter how butt ugly you feel you are. Where there is no pretence, no struggle to feel secure. Love is not something that happens for a few hours every day. Love is surviving the times when you don't want to talk to the other person, when there is lack of communication or understanding, when your thoughts differ but you still try to understand the others perspective. When you choose to be loyal and faithful to the one who lives with you day in and out, knows your strengths and weaknesses but even though they have the option , they never play with what hurts you the most. When you want change but not the kind you expected. Love happens in those moments.

As is it, it’s so tough to find genuine people these days; there are people who want you for your money, your body, your words, your status or your beauty. But there are so many other challenges in life that you need someone who will encourage you to fight your own battles. Someone who wants you for whatever the mess you are.  Everyone lives the time they have been given, but how we live it, is up to us. Maturity is when you accept things as they are and move on to lead a life with sad and happy phases. How else will you know true happiness if you never experience sadness of the worst kind.

Nightmarish Delights!

As I sit here tonight,

Surrounded by people,

It's lonesome out here,

Every now and then,

My thoughts go back to you,

A tear threatens to slip by,

I carry on against all odds,

Smiling, pretending as life goes on,

Somehow happiness escapes me,

And the path ahead seems confusing,

I realise how much you mean to me,

You do make a difference in my life,

Who gave me a meaning of life,

But then it dawns finally,

I can't keep fighting a ghost again. 

Search for tranquility!

All my life disbursed,

Yearning and pleading,

Not to have this heart wrecked,

But it seems it’s destined to transpire,

Every single moment it starts to sense,

Dawns to adore, embarks to subsist.

 

It’s such an ache,

To glimpse all exultant or ecstatic,

When here rests my core,

All discarded and insipid,

Lacking the luster it desires,

Flaunting within no gleam, no glimmer.

 

How we reason, when we chance on someone,

How he appears complete,

Even his eruptions are enigmatic,

When he makes you feel alive,

Cherished, sought and satisfied.

 

But just like the tide,

He emanates, rising prohibitive,

So lofty and mighty,

Only to retrocede into the world he hides.

 

Lost again, where no one comprehends me,

No one sees my melancholy,

Whimpers that won’t stop weeping,

Where I shroud abandoned and screaming. 

 

Ever wonder who is the one whom you seek,

In this world of charlatan’s and pretenders,

Who make you feel exceptional and then thwart you apart,

When they make you mistrust your sentiments inside,

When they desire the obsolete,

Leave your open arms paralyzed.

 

When their secrets know no bounds,

When they lie to you and overlook their sound,

When you feel you should just drown,

Apprehensive, deprived and reviled,

Hunting a diminutive tranquility,

In my senseless, disrupted world. 

 

Eclipsed!

You are left with no words to say,

When your tongue is cut out,

You are left with no feelings to feel,

When they are nipped in the bud,

You are left with no heartbreak,

When your heart is smashed again. 

This feeling is welcome,

To be lonely and disdain,

To smile a hollow curve,

With tears your best friend. 

This loneliness is comfortable,

Your heart strangely at ease,

Darkness welcomes with open arms,

Hope as usual fades away. 

A lesson learnt again,

Never bow to love again,

A door never opens,

When the other forces it shut. 

Your worth is shown in a minute,

You are wounded again,

Stupid mind laughs as the heart cries uncontrolled,

A minute it took, one choice made,

The realisation comes thundering down,

That you were not even worth ,

To be with someone for even a day. 

What's in a connection?

We live in a world of indulgence, where our fantasies play a major role than our reality. Escaping life is the agenda and not living it.We are in a time where there are no more wise councils. Yes, there may be doctors, therapists, friends who act as therapists and ofcourse google, but do they truly provide you with the relief you seek? It is at times impossible to return to your true self. The remedy is to calm yourself amidst all the anxiety.

Falling for a person is never a choice, and thought to be out of control but you do choose how you want to proceed with those feelings. If we want to stay with someone, it is our choice and if we want to distance ourselves from someone, it is our choice too. With so many choices that we face in our life, we often don't choose the "perfect" ones. Life may or may not give us what we want - a perfect soul mate, a dream we nurtured, a career we want but we may just be given someone or something, who even though may not be perfect or good enough but loves us for who we are and in turn teaches us to love ourselves.

When something important to you comes to an end you are often forced to assess yourself. To become a one man battle unit to face the world yet again. Since a few days, I have been wondering and questioning myself on one single topic. How do you know that you have a connection with someone? Is it a true connection or just a delusion that you have in your head. Or that you become comfortable and so acquainted with the person that you just feel connected.

As you age, you “connect” with different people at different levels, this is one thing I am sure of. It may be intellect, it may be an emotional connect or maybe even a spiritual or karmic one. Then, it opened up a few more questions for me. How well are you connected with yourself? How do you define that you are connected to other people? Is it just a thread that is tenuous or does it run like a powerful cord?

You may have a number of connections in your life. Some you sustain and some sustain you. Some don’t see the light of day because there is some vibe that obstructs. Someone you think you have a connect with, may not seem to have one back. When the realization hits you, it embodies a plethora of emotions generally pointing towards feelings of disappointments, sadness and a sense of loss of self. You begin to question your mind, your worth, your emotions and your motives. You cannot ofcourse know what the other person is thinking and more so believe what they say, as they might just be holding off to say exactly what they feel and think so that they don’t hurt you more. At that point though, you don’t want that care. It might feel like pity, even though it isn’t. 

Everyone has a wall around them when they meet a new person. There is a persona that you emit and as you get to know and like the person, you become vulnerable in front of them, you lay your emotions naked and you offer yourself and yet it’s never enough. You are never enough. So then how do you compete with someone’s image of who they want to be with? How do you even know?

In all this process however, you discover yourself. You hurt and you wound and then you begin to heal. A life this jaded though leaves a mark. The heart breaks and your soul and spirit breaks with it. You begin to doubt yourself. Are you ever enough? This is the question that reverberates over and over and you strive to be someone else. That someone who is stronger, sure of themselves. 

For how long can you survive with someone who doubts your role or worth in their life, now or in the future. When they choose to live in a dream, which when would have been turned to reality may or may not be as great as they thought. When they cannot make you a part of their journey, good or bad,then you know the road you travel on needs to be different and the choice needs to be made. So it’s best to ask yourself at what level the connect is before you offer your heart and soul to someone. Even though they might respect it they might not want it. Which is also totally their prerogative, and they should never feel it to be imposed or forced into. So, then again one more journey begins to heal the wounded heart. You stumble again, unsure and eyes heavier than your heart.

People who have a happy and an uneventful life, even though it may think of it as mundane but it is the best. They don’t question themselves; they don’t reach out and analyze who they are. I used to think this, while reflecting on my life and the lives of people I know and then realization came that no one is happy. They choose to be so. If you see a happy couple, or a couple in love, you think "wow, so lucky", but you don't know that she cried her eyes out yesterday night or that he didn't apologise. Or be it any situation that they are in. People are pretentious, socially they want to show that things are fine when they are not, so then who are the ones who are truly happy? Those who live in the moment, are thankful for what they are. You lose a loved one, but arn't you lucky if life offers you a second chance? Who is the fool then if you refuse it?

It is always tough when harmony between people is disrupted. So I did a lot of research, read books, went to every link that Google offered. Here are some great things which might help people who are struggling too. The situation usually starts with this particular feeling, some very valid question emerge:

• When you get to know a person, the comfort level, the feelings, the ease with which you talk all must lead to something. Should you not then explore further? 
• And if we feel such strong connection with someone you just met, what happens when it does not last? Or it’s one sided? 
• Do you at then point then lose trust in your perception of how the other person feels too?

Here are some interesting things I found: 

“Feeling overwhelmed is directly related to a sense of control. As soon as you feel you are losing control over your time, relationships and life, your responsibilities feel like burdens piling up on your shoulders. You then feel anxious you can’t do everything or feel resentful about the expectations people have for you.”

Another excerpt: "Some people are your soul connections and not soul mates. These are the people you feel very connected to.an explanation I found that fit the criteria well in my search of how can one be connected deeper with a person who have just met."

“It’s very common for people to fall in love with people with whom they have a soul connection. It’s a natural extension of the fondness you feel for them and the familiarity you have with them. Sometimes this fondness results in a commitment, like marriage. Sometimes it becomes a business partnership. Sometimes you are just amazing friends. Think about it. Don’t you know a few people in your life that you feel very close to but they aren’t your spouse? Haven’t you known someone in your past who had a huge impact on the course of your life but maybe you don’t even keep in touch now? A teacher? A mentor? A friend? Probably members of your soul group”

One of the most relevant articles I read and which provided one of the best answers for when you have a connection with someone . This article by Dr George Simon, PhD, provides great insight of what you need to figure out and I quote:

"In my experience, for relationships to really work, connections have to exist and develop on multiple levels. The extent to which these connections deepen and mature over time is likely to have a big bearing on the level of fulfillment the parties experience within the relationship. That’s why it’s a good idea at the very outset of a relationship to ask oneself some key questions, the answers to which could make all the difference with respect to that relationship’s future. Some of the more important questions include:

• How do I connect with this person on an intellectual level?
• Do we have similar ideas about things? Do we think about the world in similar ways? Are we intellectual equals? Do I really understand them and do they really understand me?
• How do I connect with this person on an emotional level?
• Can I confide my deepest feelings to her? Does she show respect for those feelings? Do I feel safe when I’m emotionally “exposed”? Is he emotionally stable? Does she know how to modulate and regulate her emotions?
• How do we connect at the psychological level?
• Do we “get” each other, our quirks, our idiosyncrasies, our “issues”? Do we respect each other’s unique personality characteristics? Can we live with our differences? Do we share the same sense of humor? Do we really honor, respect, and enjoy the kind of persons we are?
• How do we connect on the spiritual plane?
• Do we share the same core values? Do we respect one another’s beliefs? Do any of our attitudes, ways of thinking, or values pose a challenge to liking, accepting, or respecting one another?
• How do I connect with this person on the level of communication?
• Does he hear me when I’m expressing concern? Do I always feel like she is keeping things from me? Is there always room for dialogue or does every discussion soon become a fight?
• How do we connect on the practical aspects of living together?
• Can we be comfortable with the things each of us likes or prefers? Do we share enough of the same interests to spend quality time together? Do we have enough regard for our different interests that we can afford each other private space? Are our most ingrained habits compatible and endurable or are they so distasteful and irritating that they constantly grate on us?
• How deeply and meaningfully do we connect?
• Do we really touch one another, feel one another, experience one another on a level that makes us feel fully valued and embraced?

"Connecting on as many levels as possible and with proper balance is key to developing the degree of intimacy any relationship needs to survive and blossom. True intimacy is the time-tested glue for any relationship. Intimacy demands that we not only connect with one another but that we do it often, with sincerity and depth, and on more than just one level. The emotional baggage we bring with us into a relationship (as well as some of our personality traits) can affect our capacity for intimacy. Various stresses, fears, distractions, etc. can also interfere with establishing the connections necessary to foster intimacy. There are times when we really have to work at the process of connecting. In the end, it’s always the connections we establish and maintain that holds our relationships together and deepens the regard we have for those we love. If we want relationships that satisfy — relationships that nurture, help us grow, and ultimately bring us joy — we simply have to connect.”

On the contrary however, if you did think of all of these questions, there would not be any heartbreaks. People would just play it safe and choose the right person who fits the bill. This however never happens, you don't think who you fall for. You often do connect with words of what people say or their experiences when you relate to your own. Our hearts are capable of so much more just like the mind. The problem lies in our attitude.

 However, to be with someone, which connect should be the maximum. In my view finally I feel that a connection or an equation, in order to work, needs to be equal and almost strong. Though one thing I know now for sure is that no connect works when it’s not mutual. Or even if it exists, when one tries to end it. When the other does not think of you as equal and when you piece all their conversations together you realize that condescending tone in the background. You then see missing links and you connect the dots. When they hesitate to tell you things, is it best then to let go? This is the where the mind says yes and the heart is forever hopeful. A battle that is left to be won another day.

But for people who have found this connect, no matter what your baggage or current situation is, even if it's the slightest hint that things may be better and may even be brighter, try..try as hard as you can. Because when you support or cherish the other and make an effort to make the other happy or rid them of any foul mood, this is indication enough that you can survive this life. But both of you should be at the same place, cherish each other and scared of losing each other then fight for it. It’s totally worth it. Right? Consider yourself deemed lucky by the universe, live and love! 

Mind v/s Heart

The heart never differentiates,

Only traits it seeks it adulates,

Even when the mind says no,

It still says yes to go to the road alone.

The mind stipulates logic,

Some of those strum the strings,

Sometimes you cut your fingers,

When you hearken the music they make.

Just a few pictures and voice,

Is that what defines you?

In an instant your soul,

Was forsook to be forlorn.

The mind convinces still,

To let go of what is not yours,

The tears show the future,

The heart still prays for more.

Fingers itch to touch,

Body yearns as it burns,

Mind is lost and muddled,

But the heart still bleeds devotion.

What they mean to you,

That they will never know,

How you died inside,

When you drank the words whole.

You cut your heart,

A million pieces and more,

You crush everything,

Every dream and every hope.

The hope still remains, feelings grow,

Even if they are meant to hurt,

The anguish and gore that heart emits,

The tears all night you cried,

Might be beautiful words for them,

They define your benumbed existence.

Sentiments Adrift!

Some wise man once said that you don’t choose who you like or love. Agreed it might not hold true in today’s time where people often seek more material aspects for a relationship than the person they are in a relationship with. However, apart from this a basic question still remains – yes, you can fake feelings but can you deny them?

You might like a person and be aware of their limitations but you still end up caring, what happens then? You choose to accept them for who they are right. But then what happens when at one point you feel like you are imposing yourself on them. Some respect your feelings and turn you away gently, where some are harsh and make things crystal clear. Whatever said, feelings should be respected if not reciprocated. You, beyond your logic truly want to see a person do well or stay happy and more importantly want to make them happy. Somewhere amidst our insecurities though we seem to have forgotten the respect those feelings deserve. How do you know you are making a person happy by pushing them away towards someone who might not be good for them? How do you know that they will be happy without you? Maybe they will be, but that remains a mystery.  Life stops for no one, there are a plethora of people who come and go. You take each instance as a lesson.

We often tend to seek our worth through people. Some may agree or disagree but most often it is built on a sham of fake or genuine compliments or sometimes on the veritable views of the other person about you. But then, isn’t that person’s perception true since you displayed that. Does that mean that you falsified your character and personality? If not then it sure as hell confirms that you are who the other person thinks you are.

How many times we see people with jaded pasts, the number is increasing rapidly though. The innocence, the thrill, the excitement and the charm of being with a person is disappearing. Just like music, everything is turning artificial. We have forgotten how to fight, to love with intensity and with sincerity. Some thrive on the memories of the past, not looking ahead. Some look ahead and not cherish what they have right infront of them. Who truly loves then? The use of all motivational quotes is only left to read and forget. When do we apply the logic? But what logic can rationalize emotions. Vicious circle this.

It is an unbearable feeling to not say what you want. It’s almost like you are gagged and refused to speak or think or feel a certain way. Then why do we complain when people turn bitter or harsh or change or isolate themselves. They were never allowed to speak, to express to let the other know what they feel. This is what people do to each other – they cut tongues, clip the wings and force the heart, attune the brain to speak, fly, emote and express respectively. What do people mean when they say they want you happy? Who defines what makes you happy? Isn’t that for you to recognize and voice? In the end I guess it’s only a ploy by some good people to let you down easy. To let you understand on your own that you don’t deserve a chance. To push you away and into a future unknown where who knows what you get. 

But ofcourse, it’s all done to make sure you are happy!!