A Glum Afternoon View!

Should you have to beg for someone to stay? Some might say that it’s a sign of weakness but then again is it? You know that life moves on, you know your life will pan out how it is supposed to. You know you will have to live all the breaths you have written then why is it that we become so inhuman to the other even after we know pain. If on one end you don’t have the will to live and you keep falling into things which you shouldn’t do v/s pushing someone away with all your will, who are you contradicting? There is a reason I firmly believe that some people come into our lives for. It maybe to teach us lessons or to live again or to be seen again.

I have been very depressed off late and I am NOT that person. I am a survivor. I cope and I ache and I still move ahead. I still wake up each day, smile and I go to bed with tears. This is my journey, it’s been hard. And every now and then I think I can rest but troubles kick me and am back to the struggles. I gave up hope for an easy life, I own every struggle now. Be it my work, my life, my family, my friends and my love. No one has made it easy for me. But even after the hurt, the pain and the struggle , I try to look ahead. When I hit rock bottom, I always swim up. I just wish that there are people who I want around me, to be there. There are friends, family and lovers I’ve lost. The thing that hurts me most though is not their absence but the path they took to leave me.

I try to be kind to myself now, I console myself to sleep. You realize that life waits for no one. I have learnt to cherish those who choose me. Who left me, are gone. Who make an effort to stay everytime, I am learning from them. I don’t want to hold grudges but I still do. I don’t want to cry for some people, but I still do. I was naïve when I first fell in love, it seemed magical and equally devastating when it ended. I lost all faith in love. Time and again, I’ve had glimpses of it but they always make the faith stronger that there is no love. It’s not really love you see, if it binds you. If it does not allow you to live a life you are meant to.

I hoped and saw a glimpse of love in a lost soul like mine. I saw mutual dedication to work and many other similarities. Someone who appeared to be perfect inspite of them thinking otherwise. He has a really attractive personality, is articulate, personable and has similar value system like mine. A person who I value because of their ethics and morals. Someone who wishes for my happiness, I hope but still is the cause of my pain today. Yet, I truly do adore this person. And I really miss his presence, whatever and however brief it was. A will to push someone back if is this strong, imagine how would it be if we could use it to pull people in. It's a journey again, a path I chose that led to him but I don't know what happened and I hate not knowing and I despise feeling helpless. I just wish, he would be kind to me and kinder to him. We all go through pain, different intensities but if someone offers us a relief, should we not take it?

Life is really what you make of it. I promised myself sometime back that I would be happy. It’s not that I want someone to be a cause of my happiness. It’s just for once I would like people to not hurt me. I am building myself from scratch and so they may be. In times like these, you want support, just a tiny bit maybe, just to be able to breathe easy. Pain hits us all, but I would like sometimes for the other to bear their pain and think of me sometimes. I never ask for love, friendship, company, I know myself, push me hard and I go but  I don’t want to. I want to be able to live a life with people who I want in my life. Now my wish is that just once my wish is heard, just once, my wish is fulfilled. Will it? I don’t know but am sure going to find out.

So many voices, similar words!

Song on Loop!

Macy Gray -I Try

Games, changes and fears

When will they go from here

When will they stop

I believe that fate has brought us here

And we should be together babe

But we're not

I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you

And I'll keep my cool, but I'm fiendin'

I try to say goodbye and I choke

Try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not here

Goodbye and I choke

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not here

But I'm just a prisoner of your love

And I may seem all right and smile when you leave

But my smiles are just a front

Just a front, hey

I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you

And I'll try to keep my cool, but I'm fiendin'

May I be your possession

Boy, I need your touch

Your love, kisses and such

With all my might I try

But this I can't deny

Deny

(but I'm dreaming of you babe)

And I'll keep my cool, but I'm fiendin'

I may appear to be free

Here is my confession

I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you

A Request!

Sometimes when you feel so lost, your pain often feels more than the other. In that moment you don't realise that the other is hurting more. Their actions seem wrong and selfish, in the heat of the moment you do things you regret. 

It becomes tough to apologise when there is no means to communicate and they become incommunicado. At that moment you really just want to hold that person and tell them that it's ok. 

So, you hope that they are reading this and if they are, you wish they know how sorry you are for your outburst. How you forgot that they are in a troubled space and it must not be easy for them torn between their mind and heart. All you would like to tell them is, even though you hurting real bad, you still want them to be fine and ok. Know that they are being missed terribly and know that they are really loved. They can take their time, you are not going anywhere. 

With this, you hope that they will listen to your plea and atleast look out for themselves since you cannot anymore. 

No Good in Goodbye!

Trying to etch words, but your bleeding heart won’t speak to you,

The mind is bewildered, left in unparalleled thoughts lonesome,

The only thing that gushes wild, are the tears from your eyes,

So much pain and misery, missing a person whose quintessence is love,

You’d expect a little bit of sensitivity, because they know the cost of bereavement.

 

Waking up to a nightmare, is the worst punishment for the heart,

You sleep knowing bliss, only to wake up the next instance, when your world is torn apart, 

When you come to know that someone’s chosen path, outweighs the worth of your words,

You become a choice; you become an object, thrown aside when no longer needed,

How stupid it is to think that the damage they've done will heal one day.

The hurt they cause now, will not be disremembered one fine day,

Not knowing that it has created a greater crevice which will never go away. 

When they ghost you and move on, in such an act of pusillanimity is shown,

When they promised they wouldn't leave, they are the ones who run off easy,

Wise men said they don’t deserve your tears or your love, but try telling this to your imprudent heart,

Who adorns the tears like thorns, crying each minute, with no sense just loss. 

 

Past haunts us, that’s for sure, but isn’t it better when someone can share your sorrows,

What lesson then have they learnt, from their heartbreak when their core was crushed, 

How someone left them, how much pain was born, should they not then understand and value the worth of love, 

They say you give most what you never get, because someone is always deserving of it,

When they know what hurt you both, they still snub the person who sees them for the person they are and were,

You still try to provide them with an embrace of solace, a home to rest all their tussles, 

Your arms are empty and ache beyond words because they chose to rest with hurt. 

Even though they think of them as an empty vessel, they still offer you joy and satisfaction,

But when they deny what you have to give, to live a dream and not relive the horrors,

The tears you cry you hoped heal their scars, because you have their good intentions in your heart. 

When your heart begins to mend as it's smitten, they make you realise you don’t even deserve it a little,

You cope how you can, infinite thoughts run like the frenzied storm,

Some prescribe medicines for the pain, while your body burns hot insane,

Some ask you to gulp the pills, and ask your mind to speak its pain,

The body fights, your system crashes, the shock, the pain, you become delirious, yet the world remains unchanged.

If only they knew how much your heart burns, how you escape the thoughts of demise galore,

But what can heal you, when they played your weakness against you,

When they know what kills you, so instead of your heart, they break your soul. 

When you never demand for love, the least you seek is respect,

When you just want their presence, they disappear unspoken,

When you know you are dispensable, is it time for you to leave,

How you want to hear them, feel them, tell them, touch them and love them for their cruelty. 

When you thought you were dealing with pain together, you realise you were alone from the beginning,

When you thought you were dealing with maturity, you realise what a fool you have been,

When you thought you were dealing with intelligence, you realise you are an idiot,

When you thought you were dealing with care, you realise the cruel and selfish disdain,

When you thought you were dealing with civility, you realise what a debauchery you were dealt,

When you thought you were dealing with honesty, you realise you were just another fantasy,

When you thought you knew who that person was, you realise they are just another stranger still,

When you thought all you needed was respect, you realise you are not even worth last words.

When you thought you finally believed in the potential of love, you realise they don’t value your adoration or existence at all. 

When you thought they filled your life, you realise they left you high and dry, 

When you thought you finally let destiny guide your path, the change, the upheaval what happened is all,you realise you still miserably love that someone, if only something would bring them back. 

Power of Love!

Source: Google

Sometimes life seizes an unlikely pirouette,

From how you shape and see it disclose,

Dreams so unwearyingly intertwined,

Just wane along the pathway,

We long for happiness and humble ecstasies of life,

But heartaches and agony lay in our minds,

We pursue love, we pine for intimacy,

But triviality and solitude is what we acquire.

Then in the bustling of the birdies,

And the rhythm of the rain,

In the sunniness of the sun,

And the sparkling of the stars,

There waltzes merely, an immortal hope,

Bringing somebody in your being,

It voices the worth of amity,

It gives you the audacity and the resolve to go on,

And teaches you to care, to understand, to share,

You thank the one above, for letting you find love again.

You!

Maybe it is not meant to be,

I don't want to force my way to you,

I have things under control,

I have full constraint.

But my feelings are true,

Mind is confused,

To be in love with a stranger,

It's not an easy thing to do. 

I cry because I wish things different,

I cry because I got a glimpse of glorious things,

I cry because I lost you before I could have you,

I cry because I feel adrift without you. 

You may not love me back,

Funny thing is am used to that,

Unrequited love is my thing,

Tears are my true beloved.  

You may think yourself not worthy,

Try looking from my eyes baby,

If you cannot see it still,

Open your ears and listen within. 

Your passion, the ardour,

Your care and feelings,

How you open up to me,

How you made me feel needed,

Your attitude, your ethics,

Your tears, your stubborn heart that sings,

How you cut from the world,

How for a minute you saw peace in my arms,

How you make me smile,

When you are hurting inside,

How you hurt me and then try,

To make me feel better and smile,

How I can tell you all my secrets,

How I want to kiss that neck without refrain,

How I want to sit beside you,

Hold you close when you are lost,

Your jokes, your wit and your harsh words too,

You amaze me with the silly things you do,

How you anger me in a minute,

How you made me a stranger in a second,

How can I talk to you about everything,

How you shield me from threats,

How you anger when I am hurt,

How you worry and how you slurp,

This is what I see in you,

Your modesty, your memories,

Your dreams and hopes too. 

What is written, will be for sure,

Maybe I might not be your home,

But I see a man who hurts a lot,

But I also see the heart with love galore,

I may not be what you want in life,

I cry because I wanted you to change your mind,

Maybe not be the love of your life,

Maybe just be a friend in disguise.

But you know me and my stubborn heart,

It feels and tries to touch your strings afar,

You push me and force my hands apart,

I can't show you the pain it feels,

My heart cries to be with you,

Unintentionally to spare me the exact

One day you will forget my existence,

It kills me truly to face this trepidation.