दर्द के आँसू।

खून कर के किसी का, 

चार दिन की चॉंदनी भी कम रही,

शुरू कर दिया किसी और को ढून्ढना,

इतनी भी क्या जल्दी थी। 

अपना दर्द भूल गये,

जो दूसरे को दर्द दे बैठे,

खेला था किसीने दिल से आपके,

तो अब खुद ही खिलाड़ी बन बैठे। 

किसी के अॉंसू नहीं चूबे,

अपने सागर के आगे,

जब हार ही देनी थी तौफहे मे,

तो क्यो खेल खैले सूहाने। 

जूठे वादे जो कर बैठे,

इतनी भी क्या खफां,

कितने जश्न मना लिये,

किसी का भी ना सोचा। 

शायद वो दर्द जूठा है,

जिसकी चूबह्न नहीं है,

अपना दिल जो टूटा,

दूसरे की फिक्र नहीं है। 

ना देखा, ना पूछा,

किस हाल मे जी रहे हैं,

चल पड़े फिर इश्क की खोज मे,

फिर से वही दर्द दौहराने। 

जाओ अापको मांफ किया,

चाहे कितना दर्द दे के भागे,

सह लेंगे इस गम को भी,

जिसको दूबारा जगा गये।  

पर रूकते नहीं ये ज़ालिम अॉंसू,

हर दिन याद करता बेंकाबू,

शायद कमी है मूझमे, 

तभी मै कांफी नहीं। 

इतनी भी क्या खूदगर्जी,

ठोखर मार के मूड़े भी नहीं,

भूलना तो सबकी फीतरत हैं,

कभी प्यार करो तो सही। 

किस्मतों का खेल है ये भी,

कभी तो कर्ज़ चूकाऔगे सही,

सब झूठ, सारे झरौंखे,

हीसाब तो जनाब दोगे ही! 

Maybe In Another Life!

Trust is such a fragile thing,

It breaks at the pull of a string,

What do you do when,

They kill it with a lie of no good. 

I trusted you with my heart,

My body and soul,

Bared everything,

Every little piece of me,

My life and thoughts you knew.

Did I ever judge you?

I loved you for who you were,

I was always judged,

Never will I ever recover.

Your chest I wanted to sleep on,

Your arms I wanted to lean on,

Your mind I wanted to learn,

Your heart I wanted some room. 

And then you kill me,

Every single time and now again,

Made me a killer when,

I am the victim of this crime. 

Am I not worthy enough?

Did I not understand your dilemma?

All I wanted in return,

Was for you to not make me cry. 

And then you taunt me,

Haunt me in my dreams,

And then you leave,

Without a way to reach it seems. 

Because you thought it was never meant to be,

You thought there was no future,

Who made sure of that?

You killed me, so what ground my memories have.

I will drift away,

Unspoken and unrequited,

But I will still care,

Because I was honest.

So you hang my memories,

Give them a death sentence,

My heart's tiny pieces.

Will pine for you always. 

What really hurts me though,

Is how you lied and played,

But ofcourse I am only an online affair.

I have no feelings and care,

Because we never met,

I would never get hurt,

Because you never invested,

I was worthy of mistrust ,

Because you never cared for me anyway,

I was never worthy of your love,

Because you never wrote me anywhere. 

So I won't cry this time,

Well maybe just a little,

And maybe I'll lie just a little,

Because no matter what,

I'm still in love a little. 

But one day when my life is over,

You will find the truth,

You forgot and left someone behind,

Who truly knew your heart and soul but you never kind. 

Facade!

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.  --    Maya Angelou

Life’s lessons are meant to kill. They especially come from the places you never thought you would ever learn. A new lesson I’ve learnt the past couple of days is – “Beware of the people who say they want to see you happy. They will be the first ones to hurt you and taint your life.” Because the people who really want to see you happy will not say it but take steps to make you happy.

There is a sort of an ironical twist to the entire thing as well. In order to not be sad, you want to run to the person who made you sad (most often or you may want to kill them – that’s another post) but the fact of the matter is that, you miss them. Beyond every pain, every ruthless word, every lie, you miss them. But I have realized that this world is cruel. If you have bad experiences, they should be lessons for you to NOT do the same to the other, because you know the pain, you are familiar with it, you’ve lived it. Yet, if you consistently make the other suffer using the manner that you know they would hurt most with, you deserve the pain. 

This life will have your path run with numerous people, sadly you don’t choose some. You cannot even trust your judgement in this world. For instance, a person who you thought would never hurt you the way you’ve been hurt before will do the very same thing. It destroys you. It shatters whatever sanity you had managed to carve out of the stone of your being. They annihilate it. The easiest thing to do is leave. That’s the way to escape battles within you and apparently with others. Why can’t you stand and fight, to resolve issues. No, fight is no longer an option but flight is. A single moment, one statement can hurt you. It can break you. It can kill you.

People cannot be trusted. If you lay your trust and more importantly love in them, you do expect them to take a little caution to it. But in turn you know when they leave, how much you matter to them. Even if they feel horrid after the event, do they come back? Do they apologize? When they don’t bother for the one thing you are petrified of, knowing that it would break you. How is this even Ok? Moreover, hurting yourself over it, how will that help when you murder someone’s broken pieces.  Why come into someone’s life if you never want to be a part of their life? I've fallen for words many times before, this time, I know actions mean more. If someone truly cares for you, they will not let the world know. They will let YOU know. That’s what worth more.

“Life is short”, is not the frame of mind I now reside with. Life is very long. You will live the time you are meant to. But what use is it then to live the life with your ego, knowing and feeling the way you do, you still let your ego win. Why repent and why antagonize yourself when you let your ID rule you.  Then why does it matter (or maybe it actually doesn't).

You can cry yourself to sleep every night because you have to put a brave face every morning. What do you do when you know that you don’t matter because you were never written anywhere? Your tears are not worth anything and will never be prioritized over someone’s ego. There are a lot of reasons to be sad, it’s not really something you can encompass and confine to a list and check the boxes. But it is actually an amalgamation of a lot of little pieces, stories and experiences that make you sad.

Sadness is never singular. Surprisingly, when you are sad and you don’t have the ability to fake your emotions (yes, you are doomed), your sadness has the capacity for mass destruction. Why is it, that sadness can’t be yours and only yours? People should just let you be and let you cry it out, fight it out, scream it out.  Because you don’t matter, if you did, they’d show you and you’d know. They'd be there to wipe the tears you cry everyday. Yes, then you really know.

Silent Prayer!

Heavy heart, drunk words,

Teary eyes, hopeless dreams,

Countless promises, none to keep,

Dark paths, no stars, no gleam,

Moon shines, the sun sleeps,

Pain peaks, hearts weep,

Memories hurt, feelings fade,

Throat chokes, feet stumble,

Brick by brick, the wall builds,

Eyes hurt, insides bleed,

Inch by inch, death beckons,

Only to kill once again it seems. 

Who matters?

People always want you to be there when they need you. What about the time when you need them? In this fast moving world, you can't take one moment's breath. People give up on you, they leave, their world will always be bigger than yours. 

Sometimes you can't even rely on you. At times now when I cry, they are just hollow tears. I don't even know who or what am crying for. Everything and everyone has dissapointed me. Maybe because I expected a lot. Maybe because I thought it would help. But it doesn't. 

You are somebody's memory. No matter how much a happy one you want it to be, you will never matter, you will be forgotten. One minute, one hour and one day at a time. Because when you really matter, you know. You don't doubt it.

Unanswered Questions!

For many it seems rather easy to move on from one love to another. Are they really cursed to have never felt the intensity of unconditional love. Or are they blessed to move on and live the life they were meant to live.

Love has twisted the minds of many for centuries. Yes, to love with all your being is the most honest expressions of our emotions that you can share with a person. But is it right to hold on to the memories of the past and torture yourself while the other has overcome those emotions. 

A part of you, will always belong to that person. And rightfully it should. Whether or not it was reciprocated in the same way but still that part belongs to them. But what we fail to understand that love has no dimension and no measurement. If a part of you is gone or broken or forgotten, there lies within another little tiny piece, like a bud, ready to blossom. Who knows that with the right kind of nurturing, you maybe able to plant the seeds of happiness, not in the old but a new pot. 

Grown in harsh conditions, cactus too survives. It's all about the will and the other person. So, let me ask you this, that if you let go of someone who you truly loved, whether forced or willingly, would you repeat the mistake if you happen to find it again? Should you deny yourself that happiness and are you that cruel to break someone again who may have emerged from a similar battle. 

Past teaches us to learn and correct our mistakes. And if fate favours you, are you that misguided to let that bridge burn for the sake of an old rusted, broken one?

Easier to ask others these questions  but so tough to be the one to answer them. But still, you trust the fates and hope that you have a little happiness in store for all the tears cried. 

How could you?

I laid my credence,

Gave my heart to you,

Thought u'd keep it secure,

But you did the unthinkable,

All I was left with,

Was the thought, how could you?

So much conviction, was it not enough.

So much care, guess it lacked somehow,

So much love, left unwanted as it was,

Never made any difference to you. 

To think now,

After all this time,

You still left,

Without a heed one night,

To be with memories,

Escaping reality,

When all I did,

Was wait for you,

Hope for you,

Hopelessly love you.

You made me doubt myself,

You made me doubt my love,

You made me feel weak,

You made me insane.

All those nights, all the erased talks,

Were you pretending?

Thought I would be happy again,

So many questions unanswered,

So many pieces just scattered,

Guess now I know,

How easy it is for you,

To let me go,

To break my heart,

To walk on it,

The pieces bear blood,

Your footsteps though,

Will always have the scars. 

A Rainy Day!

So, on days like today, all you want to do is cuddle up, wear the comfiest of clothes you own, have a glass of great wine and binge on chocolate while watching romantic movies. Preferably with someone but nonetheless there is wine :p

While the movie marathon is on, Casablanca, You’ve Got Mail (one of my favs) and followed by The Holiday, there is one scene when the guy is proclaiming his love to the lady. And as I tear up I feel how it must be to hear such glorious words emanating from the one you adore. Deliriously screaming his feelings into words. Emotions that strong, need courage to be worded. Those ridiculous feelings within , that one moment when you gather strength, to speak and tell the one you love, that moment when those overpowering feelings make you succumb to them. That pent up emotion, denying it for a while and then that realization that the other is the one who you want to spend time with. And love. How would it feel to be at the receiving end of so much passion only for you. Just you, no one else. To be loved and made love to knowing it's all for you and no one else. Lucky right!

Dangerous Dreams

Every night my soul bleeds,

The heart breaks, memories speak,

Tears trace the path again,

No stranger to the pain within. 

Every drop that trails the cheek,

Wets the skin as the heart cries,

Scars ignite, screams of ache unite,

The circle of life, the wheel is not aligned. 

You crave for the touch,

You await that hug,

You want to rest your head,

You feel the need to heal. 

But when you open your eyes,

Blinded by the watery sight,

A mirage you see, a dream breaks,

You begin to feel the pain again. 

What you lack, you think aloud,

Why were you left out cold outside,

You feel the love you want to give,

Locked away in an iron vault again. 

Unlucky!

Some people are truly blessed. They encounter in their life, a plethora of people who love them and keep loving them even after they are long gone. Circumstances make sure you are not together, yet sometimes it's a conscious choice. They continue to live their life and shattered lives are what left behind. 

A broken heart may or may not be a sensible heart. I always feel that if you have no connection with someone it is best to let go. But why start something, let it run and then chicken out. Atleast give it a shot. You are lucky enough to be given a chance again, not many do. Why bring someone to a point where they break because of you. There are so many why's, and equal number of why not's. If you have the will to push someone away, you have the will to pull them in too. 

It's a very undesirable place to be at, when you love a person and at the same time have to let them go. It's like a test you have to pass. With flying colours. It hurts not being able to talk to them, tell them things, be close to them. All the hello's have to now be goodbye's. No matter how many motivational quotes or books you read. When you close your eyes, you dream about them. When you open your eyes, you miss them. 

Tangled in Chaos!

Surrounded by so much serenity and yet there is so much chaos within. Physically, you may escape but how do you escape your predicament. You may forget it for some blissful moments but you do come back to the destruction. 

When you are ignorant, you maybe happy but then you are unaware of so many other emotions as well. As I sit by my window, staring towards gigantic mountains, clouds the shapeshifter, how I wish I would become numb and immune to emotions. I hate being sensitive and sentimental, little things affect me. Memories haunt me. Day in, day out I am becoming quieter, I am beginning to learn to accept things. I am beginning to change myself. Forced change but hopefully it will protect me from hurt. 

How do you know? how can you predict the people who walk into your life will benefit it or make it worse? People change, facades increase, you never can envisage what the culmination might be. 

I am not comfortable with who I am anymore, my head and heart pull me in directions unknown. Broken, shattered pieces of my hopes and dreams, is what I lay on today. I am not for one to compete with people. I hardly cared for being "popular" or "cool", being a good person was my aim. Where does that lead you? Nowhere in the world today. You have to be heartless, ruthless, selfish and inhumane to get what you want. Not necessarily what you may deserve. How is that even living? I know no different way. And because of this, I stand broken and defeated. Every charm, every passion, every excitement I had is dead. There is the real me somewhere buried underneath it, but she is so far behind that I am beginning to lose touch with her. Maybe, now I will be able to survive...