Introspection

Ok it’s established, I am highly motivated when someone royally pisses me off. Earlier in my life I was rather short tempered but somehow and after immense coaxing from people around me, I've learnt the knack to show case calm exterior in the moments of utter anguish.

As I look back and read my blog, I still feel the need to educate myself on people and their character and personalities. It is clearly a point of major disappointment for me in my life. I trust too soon, I fall too soon; I just get in too soon without thinking. In a span of let’s say xx years (*giggles), I have still not mastered the art to judge and read people for who they are.

How mislead and misguided I am at times for some people, makes me want to get therapy. Like for today's example, kinda sorta liked this guy. Intellectually speaking, he kinda sorta stimulated me (:p) but then reality happened:

Highlights, need you ask:

• He lied who he was to begin with (never could understand this actually)
• He tried to flirt with me and my 18 year old sister simultaneously (and don’t know how many more)
• He is totally utterly confused and misguided bout himself
• Was pretty good at attempting to  judge me but alas could not
• He has major misconceptions about himself
• Seriously confused and demented
• Borderline (tipping towards the end actually) nymphomaniac

I mean then again living a life which is romanticized to such an extent that you get so far away from reality is totally utterly surreal. It's not like it is in the books, one of which he quoted, Erich Segal’s love story. You need to give time and space to people. You need to establish trust and give time to the other person to know who you are. Where are the men who wooed a woman endlessly till they got their hearts desire (No I am not quoting a book myself, I researched it :/). The fact that in today's world, everything is so fast paced that you feel if you don't fulfil that request, you will never be able to find love. Not that I am out there looking for it anymore. I think that with Indian Men it’s very rare that you can even get that sort of conduct.

But I feel it’s a waste of words and your breath to explain this concept to people and make them aware of the same value of this over glorified feeling (love I mean). I think now my strategy is pretty clear, just go with the flow. Let the ones who dive in too quickly hit rock bottom whereas you experience it wave after wave.

And as I am writing this blog, I feel that’s another week of my life that I have totally and completely wasted on another person who does not and nor ever will matter. Key points that I need to work on, and change myself totally is the need of the hour. I think I waste too much of my precious self and energy on people. 

This has to change!

A little bit Everyday!

It comes and it goes,

The feelings elated,

If you dare a step ahead,

Your world comes crashing again. 

The thought, the desire,

It pains you every single day,

Today or tomorrow

Your past haunts you everyday. 

It makes you who you are they said,

But no one showed the way,

You stumble and you fall,

But no one stays to take you away. 

The next morning you wake,

Confused and dazed,

Are u in the present,

Or you are lost in yesterday. 

Then you build courage,

You know its another day,

Step by step u sway,

To do the dance again! 

I know him by Heart!

There is a secret path I follow,

To a place no one can find,

Here I meet my perfect someone,

I've kept hidden in my mind. 

No we've never met,

Never seen, I've not found him yet,

I know him by heart,

But my soul still searches. 

Where my heart makes my decisions,

Till my dreams become my vision,

The love I feel makes him real,

Am I living in an illusion?

To want something I can't see,

To compromise, living lies,

Pretending that love is not meant to be,

Hoping my heart is worth saving. 

I know somehow he'll be waiting,

So I hold on and stay strong,

Just beyong reach,

I stretch my arms out.

Waiting to touch him,

Caress and hear him whisper,

We've never been together,

But seems we've never been apart either. 

Current Disposition :(

Dreams of Mr. Grey

After a long time , a book has driven me insane. I had it with me since 2012, but never thought of reading it as others recommended it as glorified porn( Never judge a book till you read it or if ppl trash it ). One day is all it took and I finished the first book. So this long weekend, I dedicated it to myself and my brain and boy it was glad. It's been long since a book captivated me and left me wanting more....more of everything :p

Its a cruelty on women literally. Men like Christian Grey do not, I repeat, do not exist in real life. That passion, that grandeur may be there but the entire package no not really. People might say that its a big world and you haven't met anyone yet. I mean hello, not everyone can and not everyone does. 

Its criminal to feed such food to the soul. Its demonic because it ignites the deepest darkest part of u. Ur ID. Ur archaic self. Coupled with the need to belong. Words play your soul, gnaw at your inner self making you yield and yell both at the same time. 

There is something so powerful about the words "your mine" and "I don't share" ! *glorious sigh*. 

Such formidable presence, no woman alive can resist. You only succumb. Such is life. And this feeling is only after reading nine chapters of Fifty shades of Grey. All I know by now is that every experience teaches u something and power wields it. ummm Does or did anyone at any point in time feel sheer electricity riding up in an elevator. Note to self: concentrate more next time.

As I read through it,mind u I am writing simultaneously. Its a question you ask yourself if u want to be controlled. Abused. And submit. Its a very thin line and very daring. Agreeing to everything, will that work. The fact that intrigues me more like is his past. What goes on in his mind. Why is he the way he is? Lets read on shall we. 

OK in the middle of chapter 21 and I cheated am goggling the third book. Phew yeahhh happy ending alas.  Now I can read the books in peace.

I like the details, good wine choice, great discussion, classic music with new gen stuff - I mean which man would listen to opera and Britney Spears - Toxic (Crazy) and bad ass cars. Oh and talk about Cosmo's. Well done Mr. Grey! 

But is it right to impose your will on someone. I personally am a total fan of free will (great concept-very dear to me). Is it right that you know something is seriously wrong and yet every fiber in your being is telling you to stay. That feeling of  indecisiveness. Fear, love, hate, lust and a plethora of emotions. I am enchanted yes and I reckon I want more. Oh boy! This book is not good for me. But I want more! 

Irrevocably, I am in love with the playful Mr. Grey! What enigmatic presence, wit, sexy confidence, intensity, passion, integrity, honesty, forethought and presence. Did I mention the intellect. *dream mode*Except for the BDSM Shit! (Gross...scared and slightly confused)  Best part about the book - the emails  esp the subject of the emails :) (literary in me loves it)more the reason I fell for him. Crap. Double crap.

The heroine - a little disappointing though that she is so "vanilla" in every sense, would have loved to see more power balance. We are in the 21st century, it would have been pleasant to see her in a more controlled light. It gets very umm Mills and Boon. Typical. Predictable. Felt like it was nothing new. I guess I wanted to see a little more spirit. A little more challenge. The inner goddess for me fell a little short. It is easy and it plays on the emotions really well.

Though I have to say, some things did not sit well with me and I was actually grossed out at some point. But the success of the book is Grey. He is the epitome of the book.

What they say is the truth this book, it is a romantic, liberating and totally addictive book. It has made me obsess, I am possessed and I know it will stay with me forever.

Laters, Baby!

Final Month of #100HappyDays

I did it yes!!!!!!!!!!

Feels wonderful just to say it out again. It's one of those liberating feelings which gives you a high like you have never felt before. It’s a feeling of elation, joy and pure bliss.

It took massive courage and strength but I was able to stay Happy for 100 days straight. Sounds easy right and you might just be thinking “Ha! I can do it, not so tough” but it is. It actually is. There were days when I struggled and thought of quitting, when I was depressed beyond control, when you feel like giving up on life. A friend of mine who started the challenge after me quit, my sister almost quit but we made her follow it through, irregular that she is, hopefully she completes it. 

Lessons learnt – many. I learnt to appreciate everything, forgot how to feel happy and blessed for the little things around me. Everyone who made sure that I get my happy moment of the day, constant reminders so that I won't forget and drop the challenge. How in panic I called a dear friend and told her I didn't have a single happy moment, she came to the rescue even if it was chai and Maggie at her place..totally rocked it.

I realized that there were some friends I had not met in a 100 days straight. Gonna meet them soon. I realized who actually made my days blissful. How on last day to make it fabulous, organized surprises. How it gave me strength to sail right through some one my worst days and how I wanna be better, live better and love better.I know how much I mean to people and how much certain people mean to me. How I discovered some new people and their thought process. It's proved that happiness does ensure a positive environment.

Made me realize how demented and crazy my family and friends are.How I don't have a single happy moment but so many happy moments. It's exciting this, to wake up every morning in anticipation of what will be that moment. I learned to let go of the things that made me sad and inspired me to change the things I don't like in myself. I wanna pick up the things and projects I left in between. Got off social media and actually could sleep well that night. 

So here goes my final month of realizing how lucky I am.

OMG we are crazy...had so much fun with my cousins, first visit after mum returned. best part was giving gifts which they all loved *my choice :p* . Then we went out to try this amazing maggie place near their place (which was lip smacking, making mad crazy paneer tikka maggie with oreo shake) *drools* while there was puja happening at my cousins home. Masti time during car ride, insane twitter conversation and jokes all around.

I LOVE SHOES...like love them to death, bought these neon shoes * drifts to heaven*. A day full of ooh n aah's followed hehe

Gift from my boss's visit to Dubai and my sis's wedding anniversary. Miss them so much.

Haha massive crazy day, was super boring day at work...so fun began. I kept winning and xo's and my friend kept cheating. Followed by some major twitter handle jokes and then confession time in group chats lol..Ah wat a day!

Ahhh 5 hours straight at the Spa...what a feeling, came out refreshed and severely pampered :) Utter bliss

Driving in rain...actually rain makes everything better...everything. Followed by crazy 150 rasgulla pick up job and of course how could we not do Starbucks and laughs

Night stay at cousins with chai sessions, total crazy time and songs session god I played Dholki after so long...Man I miss my sisters

No week is complete unless you meet friends and bitch hahaha

One of the best letters from a mother to her child. A senior from school wrote this amazing letter, scrolling down I read another to her unborn child. Brought tears to my eyes, such love and insight into motherhood. Proof that words can evoke emotions in anyone!

Ok I have to say am blessed to have family and friends (kindred souls) who pamper me so and shower me with goodies.

My pal makes this amazing masala chai. Its like a truth serum where everything you are thinking and happened, comes out like word vomit. This day's discussion was life and MEN lol

Guru purnima day so meeting my guru and den going to relatives with ice lolly break during the car ride with mum (God she is cool) and getting gifts :)))

One of those days (rainy days) where you just wanna cuddle up with a blanket and a good book. It followed a creative session of me doing my nail art...came out pretty neat actually.

OMG ppl are funny...such a funny fwd that we died laughing...literally and funny sayings on the vehicles in India..haha so much fun

Well writing brings me peace. There is some contentment in the fact that you can express what you are feeling. Even the harshest of experiences of life turn into some powerful words which just empty your brain and give your heart a rest. Such power you feel that it invigorates you.

Friendship is that even if you go out to lunch you still get goodies for your friends. That's what my pal did, she bought me yummy food :D Tummy was very happy and heart even happier :)

Winning streak (won like 5 games) , funny conversations with frnds and purple tongue contest by an overdoz of Jamun lol

Am totally a dog person and apparently dogs like me too :p. My friends pug who went all out crazy on me the day I went to visit her, such unconditional love...only if I can find a man like that * hehe*. Followed by exchange of Translated english movie titles in Bhojpuri...* nutty stuff this*

So my cousin is getting married and I love to design all my clothes myself. So inspiring conversation with designer friends of mine to select the most important thing in any event CLOTHES!! * Dramatic Bow*

Got the gorgeous gift (am a MAC and PINK freak), a good book and evening date with a crazy friend and of course good food * note to self: eat the salad again was yummmm*

Funny lunch activities and getting lectured by office people to get married - honestly have never been more lectured in my life, it actually made me wanna get married just to end the damn session :/

One of those days you know is gonna be good, started with my fav songs playlist on VH1, love Moschino perfumes, followed by receiving compliments and crazy chat sessions with cousins and red sequence shoes which made me feel very Dorothy like...*magical day*

Some creativity with a bow on my dress by my pal and lunch time masti followed by funny chats n tweets lol

Meet Ms Avni Mishra...such a darling baby, my friends daughter. She had a poem recital so I made a p[poem for her and helped out with the props. She loved it and it got her a star and I got a Thanks masi and a kiss...*awwwwww*

Yes we do work in office too but the break times are massive fun, full of crazy ass conversation and uncontrollable laughter...I love gems and it is a perfect snack when you are PMSing followed by catching up with friends

A day full of shopping, eating (amazing burgers) and total fun times with extended family. Crazy bunch this.

Hectic Sunday followed by a glass of Chardonnay (my fav wine) and a good book...perfect evening...

Oh lord force feeding in office, and stupid conversations...and extremely private conversations too lol

meeting my crazy friends, and all the things we do...*mad mad day*. Eating, shopping, market hopping, serious talks, photo sessions and day well spent *brilliant*. This girl I tell you, met her 7 years back for two days and we clicked and been friends ever since. We know in's and out's of each others lives. Fellow Gemini's and really such an amazing person...This I gotta give god..atleast he gave me amazing friends! Some..not all :p

My pal shared this video and OMG I will never ever underestimate the stupidity of certain people and this guy had the audacity to come out with the album..*Speechless*. Followed by amazing post Eid goodies and in preparation of teej..putting mehandi on me and mom. Need to practice more but still came out good.

Gol Gappa in rains and quitting facebook...shanti

When you wake up early morning to selfie of kids...that's amazing. Love doing makeup so my pally wanted a makeover... so did it and lunch time posing and laughing.

Waking up to ducktales (fav cartoon) and a motivating horoscope followed by lunch for mom made by Moi :P. This cheesecake..amazing

Friendships day love and attending Vogue wedding show and meeting my all time fav fashion guru sabyasachi...awesome!

Bought a new lipstick which caused a stir and my baby loves dogs too...

ok I have realized we do have a lot of fun during Lunch! Period!

oreo time immediately after which we all started practicing double chin exercises and ok I have hot shoes lol

Same kurta ladies..what a coincidence..thankfully the third one didnt wear hers lol...as usual laughs over work and very Indian feeling with traditional earings.

Gosh the last day!!!!! 100th day...began with congrats from family. When I reached office got flowers and a collage with motivational words, followed by amazing breakfast of junk food lol..Lunch was awesome..these gals had got a cake and we all celebrated being happy...what an amazing feeling. Awesome hairstyle trials on me and then evening party with the gang. The best part office ppl thought there is some "good news" hahaha sooo funny. Came back home all happy and high and started my guitar lessons...yes I did and got off twitter....man amazing 100 days

The best part about these day, there were some incidents which I would not have been able to digest t if it was not for these days. So I guess am thankful and happy that I began the challenge at the right time. I need to work more towards letting go..that too shall happen!

All I can say is that it does take a conscious effort to be happy, to remain happy. There are so many things in this world to be sad about.  It takes time and energy and loads of motivation. Keep in mind the following mantra -"This too shall pass" and just live your life.

There are so many people who will hurt you.But there are more who are willing to make you happy. Choose them. Choose your happiness!!

Mera Bharat Mahan

We turn 68 today, we should be wise, stronger and more secure. Promises that have been made, hopes were given. The question I ask myself is are we really free? There is still the issue of child marriage, female infanticide, dowry deaths, rape and other violence against women and children. What have we learned in 68 years, just efficient corruption? What is our legacy to our successors. It's very easy to live a life of ignorance and bear no burden of the difficult times that surround us.

I don't want to write a speech, (though I might use it for the minister's speech at work) but I just think that time is moving forward and we are still stuck to neanderthal ways. I just hope that it does not take another 68 years to set things right. Till the Happy Independence Day folks!!