A Rainy Day!

So, on days like today, all you want to do is cuddle up, wear the comfiest of clothes you own, have a glass of great wine and binge on chocolate while watching romantic movies. Preferably with someone but nonetheless there is wine :p

While the movie marathon is on, Casablanca, You’ve Got Mail (one of my favs) and followed by The Holiday, there is one scene when the guy is proclaiming his love to the lady. And as I tear up I feel how it must be to hear such glorious words emanating from the one you adore. Deliriously screaming his feelings into words. Emotions that strong, need courage to be worded. Those ridiculous feelings within , that one moment when you gather strength, to speak and tell the one you love, that moment when those overpowering feelings make you succumb to them. That pent up emotion, denying it for a while and then that realization that the other is the one who you want to spend time with. And love. How would it feel to be at the receiving end of so much passion only for you. Just you, no one else. To be loved and made love to knowing it's all for you and no one else. Lucky right!

Dangerous Dreams

Every night my soul bleeds,

The heart breaks, memories speak,

Tears trace the path again,

No stranger to the pain within. 

Every drop that trails the cheek,

Wets the skin as the heart cries,

Scars ignite, screams of ache unite,

The circle of life, the wheel is not aligned. 

You crave for the touch,

You await that hug,

You want to rest your head,

You feel the need to heal. 

But when you open your eyes,

Blinded by the watery sight,

A mirage you see, a dream breaks,

You begin to feel the pain again. 

What you lack, you think aloud,

Why were you left out cold outside,

You feel the love you want to give,

Locked away in an iron vault again. 

Unlucky!

Some people are truly blessed. They encounter in their life, a plethora of people who love them and keep loving them even after they are long gone. Circumstances make sure you are not together, yet sometimes it's a conscious choice. They continue to live their life and shattered lives are what left behind. 

A broken heart may or may not be a sensible heart. I always feel that if you have no connection with someone it is best to let go. But why start something, let it run and then chicken out. Atleast give it a shot. You are lucky enough to be given a chance again, not many do. Why bring someone to a point where they break because of you. There are so many why's, and equal number of why not's. If you have the will to push someone away, you have the will to pull them in too. 

It's a very undesirable place to be at, when you love a person and at the same time have to let them go. It's like a test you have to pass. With flying colours. It hurts not being able to talk to them, tell them things, be close to them. All the hello's have to now be goodbye's. No matter how many motivational quotes or books you read. When you close your eyes, you dream about them. When you open your eyes, you miss them. 

Tangled in Chaos!

Surrounded by so much serenity and yet there is so much chaos within. Physically, you may escape but how do you escape your predicament. You may forget it for some blissful moments but you do come back to the destruction. 

When you are ignorant, you maybe happy but then you are unaware of so many other emotions as well. As I sit by my window, staring towards gigantic mountains, clouds the shapeshifter, how I wish I would become numb and immune to emotions. I hate being sensitive and sentimental, little things affect me. Memories haunt me. Day in, day out I am becoming quieter, I am beginning to learn to accept things. I am beginning to change myself. Forced change but hopefully it will protect me from hurt. 

How do you know? how can you predict the people who walk into your life will benefit it or make it worse? People change, facades increase, you never can envisage what the culmination might be. 

I am not comfortable with who I am anymore, my head and heart pull me in directions unknown. Broken, shattered pieces of my hopes and dreams, is what I lay on today. I am not for one to compete with people. I hardly cared for being "popular" or "cool", being a good person was my aim. Where does that lead you? Nowhere in the world today. You have to be heartless, ruthless, selfish and inhumane to get what you want. Not necessarily what you may deserve. How is that even living? I know no different way. And because of this, I stand broken and defeated. Every charm, every passion, every excitement I had is dead. There is the real me somewhere buried underneath it, but she is so far behind that I am beginning to lose touch with her. Maybe, now I will be able to survive... 

A Glum Afternoon View!

Should you have to beg for someone to stay? Some might say that it’s a sign of weakness but then again is it? You know that life moves on, you know your life will pan out how it is supposed to. You know you will have to live all the breaths you have written then why is it that we become so inhuman to the other even after we know pain. If on one end you don’t have the will to live and you keep falling into things which you shouldn’t do v/s pushing someone away with all your will, who are you contradicting? There is a reason I firmly believe that some people come into our lives for. It maybe to teach us lessons or to live again or to be seen again.

I have been very depressed off late and I am NOT that person. I am a survivor. I cope and I ache and I still move ahead. I still wake up each day, smile and I go to bed with tears. This is my journey, it’s been hard. And every now and then I think I can rest but troubles kick me and am back to the struggles. I gave up hope for an easy life, I own every struggle now. Be it my work, my life, my family, my friends and my love. No one has made it easy for me. But even after the hurt, the pain and the struggle , I try to look ahead. When I hit rock bottom, I always swim up. I just wish that there are people who I want around me, to be there. There are friends, family and lovers I’ve lost. The thing that hurts me most though is not their absence but the path they took to leave me.

I try to be kind to myself now, I console myself to sleep. You realize that life waits for no one. I have learnt to cherish those who choose me. Who left me, are gone. Who make an effort to stay everytime, I am learning from them. I don’t want to hold grudges but I still do. I don’t want to cry for some people, but I still do. I was naïve when I first fell in love, it seemed magical and equally devastating when it ended. I lost all faith in love. Time and again, I’ve had glimpses of it but they always make the faith stronger that there is no love. It’s not really love you see, if it binds you. If it does not allow you to live a life you are meant to.

I hoped and saw a glimpse of love in a lost soul like mine. I saw mutual dedication to work and many other similarities. Someone who appeared to be perfect inspite of them thinking otherwise. He has a really attractive personality, is articulate, personable and has similar value system like mine. A person who I value because of their ethics and morals. Someone who wishes for my happiness, I hope but still is the cause of my pain today. Yet, I truly do adore this person. And I really miss his presence, whatever and however brief it was. A will to push someone back if is this strong, imagine how would it be if we could use it to pull people in. It's a journey again, a path I chose that led to him but I don't know what happened and I hate not knowing and I despise feeling helpless. I just wish, he would be kind to me and kinder to him. We all go through pain, different intensities but if someone offers us a relief, should we not take it?

Life is really what you make of it. I promised myself sometime back that I would be happy. It’s not that I want someone to be a cause of my happiness. It’s just for once I would like people to not hurt me. I am building myself from scratch and so they may be. In times like these, you want support, just a tiny bit maybe, just to be able to breathe easy. Pain hits us all, but I would like sometimes for the other to bear their pain and think of me sometimes. I never ask for love, friendship, company, I know myself, push me hard and I go but  I don’t want to. I want to be able to live a life with people who I want in my life. Now my wish is that just once my wish is heard, just once, my wish is fulfilled. Will it? I don’t know but am sure going to find out.

So many voices, similar words!

Song on Loop!

Macy Gray -I Try

Games, changes and fears

When will they go from here

When will they stop

I believe that fate has brought us here

And we should be together babe

But we're not

I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you

And I'll keep my cool, but I'm fiendin'

I try to say goodbye and I choke

Try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not here

Goodbye and I choke

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not here

But I'm just a prisoner of your love

And I may seem all right and smile when you leave

But my smiles are just a front

Just a front, hey

I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you

And I'll try to keep my cool, but I'm fiendin'

May I be your possession

Boy, I need your touch

Your love, kisses and such

With all my might I try

But this I can't deny

Deny

(but I'm dreaming of you babe)

And I'll keep my cool, but I'm fiendin'

I may appear to be free

Here is my confession

I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you