Oh Boy!

On days like these, you know the kinda day when the shadowy clouds cover the sky, birds are chirping frantically looking for cover and there is a prospect of a thunderous downpour. These are the kind of days I like to write. These are the kind of days when your heart beats as loudly as the dark clouds. You wait with bated breath for the raindrops to touch your skin and cool you. The gentle breeze that caresses you changes form into a wild wind which uproots the trees from the ground. Just like that you sit and you wait for the day to happen to you. You engulf within you the view no matter how it grotesque it may be. 

As I sit on my terrace, sipping a cup of hot clove tea, I watched the house in front of my place being reconstructed from what it was to what it’s going to be. Instantly my thoughts moved towards comparing it to my soul but then I decided, NO. Over the last year and a half, I have seen everything from a very broken point of view and not really seen the accomplishments. So, what if another heartbreak happened. Love didn’t change me, a person did. I still believe in love. Very much so. There may be a hundred ways to love someone but screw that, I want to be loved in a mad, yet a specific way. I don’t want the quiet kind of love, well sometimes maybe, but mostly I want loud love, you know the kind that makes your heart feel like you're a part of F1 racing. Yeah, exactly like that. I read and read and found that there may be a million ways to glorify pain and use it to get whatever you desire fulfilled but you know what works the best – writing of what love does to you. How it makes you feel like you have wings and how it makes you not even waste an instant of your time because that’s what love is. A chemistry of chemicals and hormones that brings out the glow in you. 

Someone I like spending time with recently told me how they feel about me. I’ve never been at a bigger loss of words. I felt so sad and yet I couldn't utter a single word. It’s been troubling me ever since. I haven’t reached that stage where I am ready to let someone into that part of me again. It’s too soon. So, in spite of me feeling bad and sad, I also felt a whole lot of embarrassment. I really don’t know how to respond to those three simple words that carry so many complexities within them. There we were sitting and having a good time and he just lets it slip into a conversation. AWKWARD! It’s not something that I anticipated. He has become my safe zone. This wasn’t meant to happen and now am in a fix and every day that is passing by I keep framing answers and it’s EXHAUSTING. The best part is, I still don’t know what to say to him. All my mind screams is HELP!