Besides!

Let the wind blow away your thoughts,

Let the earth open your doors divine,

Let the sky show you the glorious night,

Let the tides show you how to survive. 

Such a relief when you close your mind,

Be still and witness the story of life,

So, shut out the haunting voice tonight,

Of a heart that trapped and killed mine.

How is it okay for a heart to hurt yours?

Then play the victim and hurt some more,

You do whatever you can to hold your core,

But they keep pricking at your every bone.

The heart is not as strong as the mind,

They battle each other every time, 

But just when the heart begins to win,

The mind gives weight to the truth again.

So, you do what you can and fight,

To save yourself from blaming words and lies,

As they move from loving and hating you,

You try so hard to not let them affect you.

Why should you stop existing? 

Just so you stop their words from deceiving, 

You hear them and see the facade,

Then you know you were right all along.

The courage it takes to let go,

To know a heart intended to use you,

The strings that refuse to hold you close,

So you try to cut every cord that slows.

Heart begins to fight the plight,

At least you don't wake up crying,

The return of your happy and smile,

Took time but it finally sees light. 

The heart goes feeble trying to survive,

The tainted love that you try to leave behind,

I still wonder as the waves caress my skin,

How can anyone fake love to begin with?

Not Again!

When you're shown the truth again,

Time and again proven wrong within,

How do you still sustain your heart?

When you know you gotta let go and run fast.

You know just where you stand,

Empty handed and with an emptier heart,

You know then what's not right,

Time has come to steal back your heart tonight.

When you see them for who they are,

Walking a tightrope with hope now gone,

Baby, shed all your dead tears tonight,

Because it's time to move on and forget their sight.

Image courtesy Illustrats

Justin Bieber - I'll Show You

My Lineage!

There are a lot of stories we are told when we are young about where we come from. As a child, we used to hardly ever go to cremations and all other rituals, little did we know the intensity that is attached to it. But when a member of your own family is no more and you end up performing all the rituals, you understand life and you understand your roots far better. 

Traditions have a way of catching up to you as you grow up. Your entire being, who you are, is brought forth when you engage in rituals that belong to your religion. Punjabis are known to be flamboyant, care free people but at the time of either celebration or mourning, there are a number of things that you need to do. It's crazy how diligently one follows through these customs just to provide freedom to the soul of your loved one. From lighting a lamp under the peepal tree till the time the funeral pyre is set up, how you should not cook food in your home and it has to be provided to you by your neighbors, friends or relatives and between all those rituals, I got so much information about my background that even talking to my dad I never knew. We never really talk of such things and how we keep ourselves busy with the mundane talks is one of the things that hit me. Knowing how I felt, I will make sure that the kids in our family know where they come from.

The part that intrigued me the most was when we went to Haridwar and then to Poeha for dad and saw the entire clan's history where now his name joined his forefathers. People really had funny names from that era, like my great great grand dad was named Chunni Lal, like seriously and he was the first teacher in Rawalpindi to teach English to Britishers in India. My grand dad, a lawyer in Rawalpindi was a rather famous one. His dad, Chowdhary Hansraj, was a landlord and had hoards of property. In fact he used to be very close friends with Radhaswami second guru, they used to play chess together and we have his turban in our family running through down the generation. In fact, when we went to Agra to do ardaas for him, the present guru remembered him and we treated like royalty. Chowdhary Hansraj's grand daughters had come, that meant something. I wish he was alive and we would have gone together because there are stories that only he would know now. All of my grand dad's were named after the Radhaswami gurus and so was my dad. Satguru Saran, that was him, before he changed his name. So many stories I heard that I wish we had more time to talk. Life does leave you unsatisfied in the end, that bitch!

The Imprecation!

Main ronde ronde thak gaye, Rabba tu rulande nai thakaya!

My heart is under so much duress that I feel it'll break any moment now. I've lost love and then I recovered from the loss and got hit again, worse this time.  I've lost friendships and those hurt like hell too. Then, I lost a parent. So many losses to bear, and I feel my heart is just about to explode. I never was the one who gave a shit and ever since 2010, that's all I seem to do. To always cry when I'm alone as I pretend to be normal on the outside. 

I am so sick of everyone calling me strong. It’s like my strength is becoming my nemesis. If I can handle things it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt me to the extent that I feel broken. If I stand up again after getting hurt, it doesn’t mean that I can be knocked down again and again. These are the times when I feel my strength defeats me the most. Maybe, if I would have broken down completely that will make people stop telling me I am 'strong'. Someone has to take charge, and so I take on a lot of responsibility even when I don’t have to. Being the youngest I can also take the easy way out, but that’s not me and sometimes I hate it. I'm not invincible, I'm very sensitive on the inside. What hurts me once, stays like a dagger through my heart.

I have shut down now because I can feel the pain brimming inside everytime I open my eyes. It's been a month and I never knew his death will hit me so hard. But it has, I am hit the worst this time and there is no one I really want to hold me through it. I've been cut open, bled out, stabbed front and back and suffered all kinds of hurt. No one sees the pain and the intensity of it that I go through. I feel like I'm constantly being punished for being emotional. I don't know what do I need to do to stop the pain because love always breaks the heart.