The Imprecation!

Main ronde ronde thak gaye, Rabba tu rulande nai thakaya!

My heart is under so much duress that I feel it'll break any moment now. I've lost love and then I recovered from the loss and got hit again, worse this time.  I've lost friendships and those hurt like hell too. Then, I lost a parent. So many losses to bear, and I feel my heart is just about to explode. I never was the one who gave a shit and ever since 2010, that's all I seem to do. To always cry when I'm alone as I pretend to be normal on the outside. 

I am so sick of everyone calling me strong. It’s like my strength is becoming my nemesis. If I can handle things it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt me to the extent that I feel broken. If I stand up again after getting hurt, it doesn’t mean that I can be knocked down again and again. These are the times when I feel my strength defeats me the most. Maybe, if I would have broken down completely that will make people stop telling me I am 'strong'. Someone has to take charge, and so I take on a lot of responsibility even when I don’t have to. Being the youngest I can also take the easy way out, but that’s not me and sometimes I hate it. I'm not invincible, I'm very sensitive on the inside. What hurts me once, stays like a dagger through my heart.

I have shut down now because I can feel the pain brimming inside everytime I open my eyes. It's been a month and I never knew his death will hit me so hard. But it has, I am hit the worst this time and there is no one I really want to hold me through it. I've been cut open, bled out, stabbed front and back and suffered all kinds of hurt. No one sees the pain and the intensity of it that I go through. I feel like I'm constantly being punished for being emotional. I don't know what do I need to do to stop the pain because love always breaks the heart.