What 2017 has taught me!

“It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.” – William Thomas

There are so many things that I already have learnt over the years which really not many people of my age have. There have been struggles, wins and very difficult situations which thankfully they have gone by with a little ease. Time, has been kind that way. But there are things that I need to learn really. Another year precariously gone by and sometimes I feel I'm right where I started. I'm still trying to get back life to the way it was. I know how people are, my observation have gotten better. I feel more insightful of my life and that of others. Every year is a lesson too. Here goes what I have learned.

• I've learnt to be ignorant and stoic, or at least I'm learning and even though it may come in handy at times, it's making me a little hardcore. This makes me sad as I'm writing it because I'm changing who I am because being me has caused me more pain. 
• I know that life is not predictable but people are. 
• I've learnt that people will always surprise you, even though they might not do it intentionally or otherwise. 
• I've learnt that people will fake sadness to get sympathy and play people.
• I've learnt that ethics and morality are rather rare. 
• I've learnt that people show off to make others jealous and make their empty lives fulfilling.
• I've learnt that people who keep their lives too private have something to hide. 
• I know now that you can make the best of friends at any age and that sometimes even though the actions and decisions taken by them are wrong, the choice is theirs and you have to support it. 
• I've learnt the value of that one ear that hears your cries and that one hand that wipes your tears.
• I've learnt that one has to live with whatever consequences of ones actions are, and that will always leave a mark.

Now, for the part that I need to learn since my life will constantly be full of chaos and I need to learn to survive in it. I need to learn that people will continue to do what they want irrespective of your feelings and so I need to learn to live with the pain. It has to become an integral part of my being now, because believe it or not that's how my destiny is.

Writing all of the above, I still think I learnt nothing!

                        

Tumult!

Ocean is a beast, one that I run to when I need some peace. 

How many times I've written about the ocean, but I don't tire of it. It's like the ocean is my very own Guru, guiding me to the answers that I seek. Each wave that comes to me, speaks to me to go with the flow, every tide that turns shows me how to change paths, every morsel of sand that I hold in my palm shows me that nothing stays with you ever. Ocean is life, ocean is my tears gathered together, ocean is my heart in turmoil. 

Work, Work!

This work is getting crazy and I love it. How my day goes away its insane and I like that distraction. I rarely get the time to think about him now. I don't think of dad too. Which is very good, because I'm done crying, I'm done literally trying so hard to distract myself. I need this stress, I need it to prove to myself that I can make it out of this ditch. It's good to be doing something productive and thinking outside the box and knowing that I am working myself hard for something and getting returns of the same. 

They say that hard-work has no substitute, but what I've realised out of my ten years worth of experience is that people get away with a lot even when they don't work hard. For work well done, you need to have vision to see what results you are seeking. I respect people who have work ethic, for something in your life this big, which fetches you your livelihood, you need to show some respect. I take a lot of pride in the work that I do and it hurts me to the core, when someone disrespects the work that I do. 

Weed-O-Weed

Smoked up for the first time! Hey, I'm no longer a smoke-up virgin, hurrah! People say that drugs make you forget, they help numb your feelings. It's amazing how I manage to wake up and pretty much try to live a good life. I have to reach so deep into myself to get myself to face every single challenge that life throws at me.

So, I asked this friend (who has a massive thing for me btw) to get me to try some. He always somehow manages to get me what I want. Even though my sister keeps telling me that I should give him a chance but that's another post for another day. Anyway, guess what, NOTHING HAPPENED. I mean like all first times, this wasn't that great either. Maybe it should be done continuously or in differing dosage, I mean who knows, just that it gave me no high, so that was a bummer!!

I've read up on weed and its effects on the body. Apparently, there isn't clear science on how weed affects human body. I've seen people do some crazy shit after smokin up but the problem is that I only like to get intoxicated to a level till I have my senses buzzed but not when I'm puking all over the place. Anyway, one more box checked, more boxes to look into.

Practice!

When you begin the journey to unloving someone, you realize that you can't stay stuck on that person forever when he's busy living his life. So, actively taking an interest in your own starts out as a project till the time to get back your groove. Okay, so you still remember every little detail (that will take time), he still crosses your mind every single day, but hey, how long can you be stuck on a person who doesn't even give a shit in the first place. 

So much effort goes into forgetting love versus how easy it is at times to fall for a person. The best things however, that one can do is focus on the facts. If you love him, will you fight for him? Will you stop seeing reality and still be for him? Will you forget how badly he treats you and yet stay with him? Will you gulp down when he wants other women and not you? Will you still love him after you know all of this?

I don't fall in love easy, so when I do, I really fall. Moreover, when you've been jaded a couple of times you take time to fall. You deny yourself the opportunity to fall for anyone who shows interest in you. Post my failure at love again, I tried hard so hard to move on, you know how they say if you can't get over them, get under someone else. Well, that doesn't work and I ended up ruining a lot many friendships in the process. This awkward phase might run out and hopefully I might connect with those people sometime but I feel bad when they cannot get past me not being on the equal level of readiness as them. 

This is when I realised how important it is to come out of a relationship completely. It took me five years last time because the denial period was freaking never ending but it got easier, the second time around I was able to get my focus back early but at what costs, only I know that. So, hopefully the next time around, I might actually for a change get to feel real love. Who knows, maybe it survives a lifetime. That's the hope!