Smothered

Everyone has their own outline of 3:00 a.m. deliberations. They are often filled with contemplations which route through your core at varying pace. Sometimes you just want to shut yourself up, lock yourself in a room and break away from the world. Life with missing parts of you is often obscure. For some it encompasses missing someone, for some it’s about love or the lack of it.  Mine have lately been about overthinking things.  Sleepless nights or interrupted slumber coupled with such thoughts is perilous. What’s even more abysmal is a disoriented head where only flashes of occurrences happened with you or your current disposition keeps repeating on loop.

3:00 a.m. should be deemed fatal when unanswered questions keep knocking about in your mind. Why is life not easy? Why don’t people around you make matters easy? The pendulum swings amid feelings and restlessness, that’s the mindset with which you lie awake in the dark, staring into oblivion. That’s the time when you are just you with your sentiments and your reflections. The worst form of torture is questions that are piled in your brain which you want to clear and seek answers for but can’t because it isn’t in your power, so you end up reading more and more into it. It’s like a bottomless pit that you keep falling into. You may choose to let it go if you cannot find a way to elucidate them but sooner or later they do tend to reach up to you and prick you every now and then.

It’s like a tangled web that you scuffle to get out of. The more you fight it, the more it enfolds you in its talons. Sometimes, it chokes you so bad that you just cannot breathe. The calm exterior that you possess seems to be melting inside with a heaviness that is waiting to burst. You cannot assume that people will empathize with you like you understand what they are going through. You cannot expect people to be kind to you in return or respect your wishes. You have to come to terms with that. Acceptance of reality comes with a lot of carnage, which is usually of your own self. So, you consent to whatever it is that time deals you and cope with the ramifications yourself, without anyone knowing what you are going through, smiling all the way.