Alexithymia

Today is his birthday and I thought I’ll stay silent, which I couldn't (Damn it!). But I must have thought about him at least a hundred times today. I know I'm just another girl that he fucked over and played, but even during all that anger I didn’t stop loving him. Ever since that moment I've been trying so hard so forget him, forget all about him like. That's my problem, when I love, I really love. Even though I did manage to remove myself from a very tough situation, and even though I'm not proud of how and what I did but I did it anyway because I thought that was the kindest way that I could manage an escape. Even post that, I tried to stay calm even though my heart was hurting like it would just shatter to bits. 

My heart searches for him, and it still sinks whenever I see him. But then again I chose not to let him see it. He chose to lie to me. I chose to believe him. He chose to deceive me. I chose to heal him. He chose to continue to hurt me. I chose to listen to his excuses. He chose to make me one of many. I chose to give him a place in my heart. He chose to not give another thought to me. I chose to cry oceans for him. He chose to not ever bother for me and I chose to forgive him. Not because I wanted to hurt him but because I know it was a dead end and yet now I know that he would never value my love for him. 

It makes it all the more harder knowing that my love will never be returned, it has to be drowned and forgotten. I know he is around. I come to know every time and yet I now choose silence and ignorance because to him I'm just a supply, or maybe someone he wants revenge from. I see him chasing skirts but it’s not my business anymore, and lately it stopped affecting me too, or maybe I'm trying to not let it affect me.  He kept asking for closure, so I gave him that too. Only because I loved him. I make him believe that I don’t care for him at all even though I do, only because I loved him. Maybe he has taught me to lie well too. I loved who he was for me, I miss him terribly some days. That’s the man I somewhat feel for even today, maybe just a tad bit more than I should knowing that it was just a facade. To him I'm not the girl who thinks if he’s had a good day or if he is doing okay. To him I’m not the girl who does everything she can to forget him. To him, I’m just a nobody. But I still wish that he finds what he is looking for. The love that he wants and not just supply that will satisfy his every need. I hope he has the courage to claim it or find it again in what he has. And I hope that he is able to value that love for himself and not wander. 

And on a selfish note, a wish for me, I hope that next year this day will just be a date and I will be free of his memories.