This Year, Me!

 Another year has slipped by, and life unexpectedly has grown more complex.

I find myself at a strange threshold: a place where I no longer know who I am, or who I’m becoming. Old aspirations have softened; some have faded entirely. And yet, there’s a deep ache that tightens around the heart a quiet reckoning with past choices, missed turns, and unspoken regrets.

Some days, I feel I’ve grown.
Other days, the loneliness is loud.

Perhaps this is not confusion, but transition.

So, this year, instead of resolutions, I want to leave myself a wish list not for the professional version of me, not for achievements or optics but for the real me. The one who feels, doubts, dreams, and hopes quietly.

This is what I wish for:

1. Heal
I have spent years pouring time, energy, and emotion into people. Somewhere along the way, I forgot myself. This year, I want to feel whole again to feel alive. To dance to music as if no one is watching. To let my imagination wander freely. To return to myself without guilt.

2. Rediscover a hobby
There was a time I was good at many things. Over time, judgment real and imagined taught me to shrink. Experiences taught me that showing your true self can make you vulnerable to misuse. Still, I don’t want fear to win. I want to choose one thing, learn it slowly, and do it purely for joy.

3. Capture moments
Time is fleeting, and memory is fragile. I want to take photographs not for perfection, but for presence. To hold onto moments, I can revisit when life feels heavy, and to leave behind fragments of life that once felt full.

4. Experience life deeply
Not cautiously. Not later. But now.
I want to live in ways that feel expansive, surprising, and honest. To experience life as if it matters because it does.

Maybe this year won’t give me all the answers.
But if it brings me closer to myself, that will be enough.

The Year I Became

Today, I celebrate my journey, the lessons, the leaps, the quiet triumphs. I honour the strength I’ve built and the softness I’ve kept. This year, I choose courage over comfort, alignment over approval, and joy without apology. I am ready for what’s next, because I am already enough.

This is the year I walk in full bloom,

Not rushed by time, nor caged by gloom.

A thousand yesterdays whisper my name,

But I rise unshaken, wiser but not the same.

This is the year I unwrite my doubts,

To speak with fire, to live out loud.

To gather the scattered pieces of me,

And build a life I dream it to be.

So here’s to the sunrise on my skin,

The battles lost and the quiet wins.

Another year that goes by today,I’m not older, but clear in every way.

I was born for this moment, and this year,Not chasing, just walking softer and loud,A simple wish I pray yet again,May my path be simpler and gains come my way. 

Onism!

Caged birds croon and serenade,

Taking in the sights with astounding disdain,

Stuck in the head like songs never meant to sing,

Some beats escape the heart to not knock again.

While the world is coming to an end,

All my mistakes seem so little in itself,

Another song that we were yet to sing,

Turned into whispers that don’t exhale.

The rage in the moon that shines bright,

Timid stars wait for the sun to rise,

The earth goes around on time,

We live everyday wasting our lives.

Selcouth!

How can emptiness be so heavy ~ Six Word Story

This hollow feeling in the chest that creeps in is daunting. When all the love you have for a person slowly drips out, that feeling is anything but horrible. You know, the kind of feeling when everything around you is like a dark hole where you see nothing but darkness. You feel like you’re trapped in a cube with no activity tunnelling through your nervous system. I hate this feeling, because it’s the end of the love you had for someone. Soon they will become just a memory, some parts of which you’ll remember but most you’ll omit. 

You'll forget how they made you feel and how you felt when you held them. You'll forget all the smiles they bought and you'll forget the tears too. Only the last moments will linger but only till you find a new love. Another home will then be built over the ashes of the old. 

However, the intensity of the way you love lessons with each breakup, soon you love the new person in a different way. They say each heartbreak changes you and it restructures you. The empty feeling you have now will be refilled or maybe not but you know time has come to close a chapter, even though you keep wishing against odds and yet you lost your heart again. 

The journey ends here, paths separate, you tear away the remnants of love that still linger or you begin to bury it deep into the subconscious. This vacated feeling is like the full grown tree waiting to blossom but never did. This hollow feeling, I hate it. 

Crapehanger!

It hurts when my heart loves what it cannot,

Yet there is no peace and it seems hollow,

The sadness of pushing love out and yet,

Holding the burden when it tries to reach out.

Work to silence the mouth that seeks release,

What more can one do but sulk deep within,

The way my heart loves and watches itself bleed,

Today is one of those days when it reeks. 

The howling wind echo the screams of my heart,

They call you out knowing you'll kill it all,

But then the heart is primeval and aches,

It still loves you and it brings loathe within.

Twinge!

I live with so much pain in my heart. Every single day, I wake up and get myself to face this world. I live my life now to the fullest because pain has become a part of me. I've accepted the number of times my heart's been broken by lovers, friends, family and even strangers. I move alongside people who've hurt me and as I watch myself becoming numb to their existence. It's like pain becomes your hidden identity. The best kept secret that you harbour in your core. My words of love and pain may be loved, I only wish they were loved by the ones I loved. There is so much I want to say to them, but I choose to write about it here, because so much of all that I've already said didn't matter one bit. 

I wonder if think about me, even for a second, knowing that I exist in this universe somewhere or have they forgotten me like every season that changes, every year that moves to the next. So many people love me, I get constant validation, not that I need any but I guess I'm waiting for an apology I know I will never get. So, I often wash down that hope in a stream of tears and silence my heart and try to be more ignorant to the rants of love.

Be it 5 years that you give a person or even a year, the intensity of love that you have for them changes with time. One day you take that pain, and indulge in the misery it brings alone, gulping each tear with a glass of wine knowing that your tears are wasted. Life keeps bringing me people who hurt me, I know not why. I roam the streets of life looking for this answer while drowning in delight of pleasure that alcohol brings to the distressed nervous system. 

Alongside love, pain shares my heart's space, sadly for me, both have been given by the same people. So, where do I escape?

Depleted!

I'm tired of writing my heart out. Sometimes, I feel that even if I do, does it really help? Does it in any way manage to help deal with whatever is going on in my life? Is it enough to convey my deepest, darkest  feelings? 

I've been busy off late and frankly I have to look for inspiration to hit me because when it does, I'm often busy concentrating on other things. Or maybe, just maybe I'm trying to not face my feelings. That's what life does to you, when you are busy with one thing, it helps to compartmentalize and drop all other issues. If you ever do an analysis of your life, you'll figure out that it's actually the people in your life that cause you pain or bring happiness. When you are on your own, you are self-sufficient . 

So, I decided to take a break from people. They've just been disappointing me since so long, it's a pleasant change. Sometimes you need to b alone. Sometimes you need time with yourself to understand and release all the burden that you carry within yourself.

Find yourself!

OMG like women all over the globe, there is a world beyond your families and kids. Women often forget that they are an individual. So, this new chick at my work place is like in her 40s and of all that she has told me, she is completely dependent on her husband for everything, and I mean EVERYTHING! I mean there are somethings that you want your spouse to take care of but  know that he has a lot of responsibilities too. 

If he is equally sharing it or doing more, the least you can do is not be overbearing. How tough is it to book a cab for yourself, or work your bank or do shit for yourself? It's not that you can't, it's  just that you choose not to. 

Marriage, I've seen is hard work, it is often clouded as companionship and compassion yet consistent work is needed to remain passionate for each other. But in between all of that, amidst all of the craziness of everyday mundane schedule, that's when you need to keep yourself sane and fight for your individuality. You are more than societal labels. You are a person, who needs to find, own and live her own true self. 

Shortfall

I miss him. Even though I don't really know him, I miss him. It's crazy that the person who has hurt you leaves behind pieces of him to clean up. It makes living life a tad bit difficult knowing that you are missing someone you shouldn't be missing. There are so many contrary thoughts that line up in my mind that in the end it's just about segregating, compartmentalizing and dealing with the loss of a person you cared for a lot.

I think what makes it a little easy is that whenever the need of him arises, it's best to concentrate on the negative parts so that the mind grasps that feedback and your emotions restrain. It doesn't help knowing that apparently we have mutual friends and acquaintances. It doesn't help that I saw him once and froze because all I wanted to do was kiss him. It doesn't help knowing all that I was told about him and saw the truth with my own eyes. It doesn't help that even though I try to hate him, my heart still refuses to. The fight is like a catastrophe. 

Like they say, it gets better. I'm sure it does. I have felt less and less in the past months, of course his actions aid in forgetting him. To love a heart and then learn that it wasn't for real is like getting kicked in the nuts, hard. 

Nostalgia!

In the rush to live a glorious life, do we forget our roots? Something in your life always calls for a tug of nostalgia. I love weddings, I think that's the memory of my childhood I really remember. The sangeet times and all the stupid stunts we did there. The pull of a good song will always end up turning the amp of the atmosphere high. These are the times where people have choreographed performances or dance to the tune of the DJ. Kids these days will never really live the fun times of wedding functions. How all the old ladies of the house sing the corniest or the most naughtiest of songs that leave you flabbergasted.  Songs like Latthe di Chadar, Aloo bare karare, Kala Shah, Din Sagna Da, Bhai Karele Walaya, Chitta kukar, and oh so many of these songs are the backbone to my culture. 

Weddings are the best time for the older ones to share the traditions and I've always been hungry for such legacies. Learning the dholki, playing with spoons, singing songs and celebrating life. The memories keep coming back including how dad used to sing (forced and pleaded) but eventually he did. I wonder looking back how so many memories have escaped me. 

Arrivederci!

Comical how this heart of mine,  

Has gotten used to anguish entwine,

It anticipates the ache,

And then it primes to weep and cascade.

It’s hard when your heart is soft,

It’s tough when your gut’s in a rut,

Change they say is always good,

Then why does it feel like a casualty unto.

The more I hate goodbyes,

The more I get to say them,

The more I hate tears,

The more I get to release them.

Cry Wolf!

OMG I can't believe it. Getting nominated for your achievements is a big deal or at least it should be a big deal. I hate myself for not milking it, I should really be all "Hey, look at me, I'm a Star" attitude but here I am, happy to be just nominated. Something is seriously wrong with me. Being this humble is never really great, you end up missing on a lot of opportunities because I CANNOT SELL MYSELF.

It's almost like always, the minute people get to really know me, then they know my worth and are afraid to lose me. They say one should always toot their horn, I mean sometimes I feel its important also but doing it perpetually just goes to show how shallow and important you want people to think you are. It seems that all that you do is irrevocably just done for the benefit of focusing attention on yourself. It's like when you fall and hurt yourself, one set of people will cry a little, feel the pain and quietly move to attend to the wound but some people are the complete opposite, they will yell and scream and have the entire universe look down at them with sympathy over a small cut or bruise. I just cannot become one of such people.

Maybe I'm built wrong, that's what I think, I'm not really sure!

Boss Woman!

It's especially tough for a woman in the role of leadership. You have to cater to a lot of expectations than those fulfilled by your male counterparts. Nepotism everywhere is at its peak. Good networking is essential however, knowing the art to leverage it is even greater. I have always been great at networking. Put me in a room full of people and i'll network and wow them however, sustaining those networks for me personally is a huge task.

I may be very social but internally I'm very shy till I click or open up to someone, then I'm just plain mad. I've worked in teams, I like it. I think a good team gives you leverage and a skill set at your disposal which others do not have. Every individual is good at something, analysing that and then using it to your advantage is good leadership.

I consider myself to be a good boss, (At least I hope I am)that said because with close to 11 years of work experience now, I've had numerous bosses and learning from them has been a privilege and many a times a lesson. So, my first ever boss was my own professor so it was easy as I was fresh out of college. I was usually an obedient student, and I was working with a dear friend. Then I had this totally lost boss who did not have any idea but still was at a powerful position, again a lady boss. But then I moved jobs and my boss was this really horrid woman who liked to mentally harass me. Then I landed a project with a male boss, and thankfully a great team that made it totally worth working and so came many many more.

It's indeed amazing to learn what to do and especially what not to do from women bosses, all of this knowledge makes me a better boss. I have a team of 13...wait for it...WOMEN! People always say that it's especially hard to work in an all women's team and frankly I just don't get why. Sometimes, there is a lot of drama but hey men are far more dangerous to work with :p But being a good boss ( so I've been told) takes a lot of hard work. There are people in your team who are bright and what you want is easily delivered. Then there are people who you have to teach every single little thing. Being a boss means you are responsible for their faults and rarely for their accomplishments. Being a boss means you're always in the firing line. Being a boss means a whole lot of responsibility on your head. Being a boss...I love it :)

Phew!

I haven't really had the time to just breathe ever since 2018 has begun. I think that's a good thing because I want to move away towards a new life. Isn't it funny that year after year, as they pass yet we keep chasing time, trespassing on each others memories and getting so lost in the process. I ran away from so much this past year, memories of lost love to memories of life. In all the running that we do, we rarely ever stop and think how tiring it all is. Of course there are days when you feel physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted but then as you dive into recreation, you release all that pent up anger, sadness and love.

I always like the beginning of any year, it brings a lot of promise, a lot of  challenges and dreams that I wish to fulfill. A couple of them keep adding or dropping every year. This year, I can foresee it's going to be a crazy one. I got promoted to deal will all the chaos my immediate boss and the super boss have spilled. Sometimes, I feel very unlucky that I have to do the grunt work and there is so much more to my potential that I, let alone others, are not harnessing.

Every job that I have worked, has pulled me in directions which are contrary to what my job really entails. But the more I work in a dynamic structure, the more I am beginning to realize where I see myself. I am learning how people manipulate, get work done, take credit, are corrupt and all this while, I am happy and somewhat becoming more of a critic of my work. Is it a positive turn of events? Who knows, at least my mind is diverted, that's all I really right now.

What 2017 has taught me!

“It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.” – William Thomas

There are so many things that I already have learnt over the years which really not many people of my age have. There have been struggles, wins and very difficult situations which thankfully they have gone by with a little ease. Time, has been kind that way. But there are things that I need to learn really. Another year precariously gone by and sometimes I feel I'm right where I started. I'm still trying to get back life to the way it was. I know how people are, my observation have gotten better. I feel more insightful of my life and that of others. Every year is a lesson too. Here goes what I have learned.

• I've learnt to be ignorant and stoic, or at least I'm learning and even though it may come in handy at times, it's making me a little hardcore. This makes me sad as I'm writing it because I'm changing who I am because being me has caused me more pain. 
• I know that life is not predictable but people are. 
• I've learnt that people will always surprise you, even though they might not do it intentionally or otherwise. 
• I've learnt that people will fake sadness to get sympathy and play people.
• I've learnt that ethics and morality are rather rare. 
• I've learnt that people show off to make others jealous and make their empty lives fulfilling.
• I've learnt that people who keep their lives too private have something to hide. 
• I know now that you can make the best of friends at any age and that sometimes even though the actions and decisions taken by them are wrong, the choice is theirs and you have to support it. 
• I've learnt the value of that one ear that hears your cries and that one hand that wipes your tears.
• I've learnt that one has to live with whatever consequences of ones actions are, and that will always leave a mark.

Now, for the part that I need to learn since my life will constantly be full of chaos and I need to learn to survive in it. I need to learn that people will continue to do what they want irrespective of your feelings and so I need to learn to live with the pain. It has to become an integral part of my being now, because believe it or not that's how my destiny is.

Writing all of the above, I still think I learnt nothing!

                        

Tumult!

Ocean is a beast, one that I run to when I need some peace. 

How many times I've written about the ocean, but I don't tire of it. It's like the ocean is my very own Guru, guiding me to the answers that I seek. Each wave that comes to me, speaks to me to go with the flow, every tide that turns shows me how to change paths, every morsel of sand that I hold in my palm shows me that nothing stays with you ever. Ocean is life, ocean is my tears gathered together, ocean is my heart in turmoil. 

Work, Work!

This work is getting crazy and I love it. How my day goes away its insane and I like that distraction. I rarely get the time to think about him now. I don't think of dad too. Which is very good, because I'm done crying, I'm done literally trying so hard to distract myself. I need this stress, I need it to prove to myself that I can make it out of this ditch. It's good to be doing something productive and thinking outside the box and knowing that I am working myself hard for something and getting returns of the same. 

They say that hard-work has no substitute, but what I've realised out of my ten years worth of experience is that people get away with a lot even when they don't work hard. For work well done, you need to have vision to see what results you are seeking. I respect people who have work ethic, for something in your life this big, which fetches you your livelihood, you need to show some respect. I take a lot of pride in the work that I do and it hurts me to the core, when someone disrespects the work that I do. 

Weed-O-Weed

Smoked up for the first time! Hey, I'm no longer a smoke-up virgin, hurrah! People say that drugs make you forget, they help numb your feelings. It's amazing how I manage to wake up and pretty much try to live a good life. I have to reach so deep into myself to get myself to face every single challenge that life throws at me.

So, I asked this friend (who has a massive thing for me btw) to get me to try some. He always somehow manages to get me what I want. Even though my sister keeps telling me that I should give him a chance but that's another post for another day. Anyway, guess what, NOTHING HAPPENED. I mean like all first times, this wasn't that great either. Maybe it should be done continuously or in differing dosage, I mean who knows, just that it gave me no high, so that was a bummer!!

I've read up on weed and its effects on the body. Apparently, there isn't clear science on how weed affects human body. I've seen people do some crazy shit after smokin up but the problem is that I only like to get intoxicated to a level till I have my senses buzzed but not when I'm puking all over the place. Anyway, one more box checked, more boxes to look into.

Practice!

When you begin the journey to unloving someone, you realize that you can't stay stuck on that person forever when he's busy living his life. So, actively taking an interest in your own starts out as a project till the time to get back your groove. Okay, so you still remember every little detail (that will take time), he still crosses your mind every single day, but hey, how long can you be stuck on a person who doesn't even give a shit in the first place. 

So much effort goes into forgetting love versus how easy it is at times to fall for a person. The best things however, that one can do is focus on the facts. If you love him, will you fight for him? Will you stop seeing reality and still be for him? Will you forget how badly he treats you and yet stay with him? Will you gulp down when he wants other women and not you? Will you still love him after you know all of this?

I don't fall in love easy, so when I do, I really fall. Moreover, when you've been jaded a couple of times you take time to fall. You deny yourself the opportunity to fall for anyone who shows interest in you. Post my failure at love again, I tried hard so hard to move on, you know how they say if you can't get over them, get under someone else. Well, that doesn't work and I ended up ruining a lot many friendships in the process. This awkward phase might run out and hopefully I might connect with those people sometime but I feel bad when they cannot get past me not being on the equal level of readiness as them. 

This is when I realised how important it is to come out of a relationship completely. It took me five years last time because the denial period was freaking never ending but it got easier, the second time around I was able to get my focus back early but at what costs, only I know that. So, hopefully the next time around, I might actually for a change get to feel real love. Who knows, maybe it survives a lifetime. That's the hope!

Heartless!

"Too much has happened between us for us to ever happen. I don't want another chance in another lifetime or this knowing that you will hurt me." This is the only thing I want to tell him. The words weigh so heavy on my soul. They pull my heart under the burden of melancholy. 

It's amazing how people are capable of hurting another person who genuinely cared for them. The simple world is selfish. So many times have we heard it and yet we are here reading and writing stories of how our heart was broken. But think this, how many stories are we going to write or read to make us really stop hurting another. Aren't there so many already to set precedence to the fact that we shouldn't be breaking or rather treating someone's heart like it doesn't matter.

If power or money corrupts a person so, that they think its okay even in passing that it's fine to play with hearts, I don't want to be associated with either. When I look back, and think about him, I just think about one thing. Knowing his agenda and plans I still want to understand how can anyone be so cruel towards someone who loved him. To be merry and live a content life while causing pain and knowing the extent of the pain given. I cannot forget the smile on his face that I saw when I was crying in agony. How even a single tear, didn't matter to him. That is his memory that will always remain within me.