NUMB!

The emotions just come and go before I become numb. It's been 6 months but still the feelings haunt me. I don't know how people manage it, maybe someday i'll know too. But as of now am not doing so great.

What I have realised these past couple of months is that you cannot trust anyone except ur family only if ur close to them. otherwise people just walk over you. I have realised that on the outside they may be charming, trying to show every possible face but who they really are.

Are we so scared? are we so fake? Who do you turn to, when there is no one left. What are the sea of people around you for? These thoughts come to me when I am confused. The ofcourse comes his sister misery. Then all the bad deeds done to you come flashing by and you realise just how easy it is for people to fool you.

Then comes hate, so powerful replacing all the love that you had to the point where you just want revenge and then you think who are you to do that. Mostly because you can't to be honest. Then you turn spiritual and wish that karma would do your job.

But eventually you see that the people who have done you wrong are still happy and that's because they don't care. This becomes your problem because you still care. There should be a medicine to finally make you numb before you go through this procedure because it rips you open and you realise what a big fool you are?

A silent prayer!

How it hurts to know your not the one,

How it seems stupid I thought you would stay on,

I should have not ignored the signs,

They were loud and clear,

I just didn’t want to lose your sight,

Now it hurts me even more,

More than I can ever say,

I keep it in my heart,

Shed it in my tears everyday,

But now I know my worth in your life,

There is no comparison to my love,

Which I had for you and your lies,

But now I know I cant stay on,

Even with the memories after you have gone,

The way you hurt me ill never forget,

Nor will I ever let myself forgive,

The pain you caused me opened my eyes,

To teach me to never believe the lies,

I just want this feeling to go away,

For you to vanish and your memories to go away,

I want to start afresh, a new life a new beginning,

I want to forget your existence your being.

Heart & Soul!

What can I do to make my heart stop believing,

What can I do to make my soul stop hurting,

Its so hard sometimes, and sometimes seems so easy,

But I know now its not cause my heart wont stop believing.

You did me wrong, over and over,

Picked and dropped me like I was a loner,

It hurt me then and hurts me now,

Broken hearted but still the hope wont die down!

I tell myself everyday,

How you are no good for me anyway,

But then I don’t know why,

Even god wont stop showing me signs.

I think it’s a penance that am suffering,

Don’t know what I did to deserve this thing,

All I wanted was you to love me,

Instead you made a fool of me.

Played with me, toyed with me,

And all this while all I did was allow you to do it to me,

Even now when I know the truth,

Know that you are in her arms,

Saying her name like you did mine,

Hold her hand like you did mine,

All my heart will do is just wish it was still mine.

I know its wrong, I know it’s ended,

I just want you to go away forever,

So that the hurt will not get me,

I want to forget your existence,

I want to forget what you put me through,

To forget that I love you,

To forget that you said you did too!!

**Shining Star**

Sitting all alone,
as I watch the sun set,
watching silhouettes form.

A slight breeze blows by,
I look up onto the sky,
Just one star that twinkles away.

The story is the same,
When you look at the sky,
Even in the clusters,
that single star shines.

How it yearns to be with other,
Ignoring it's self,
Loosing it's identity,
To meld with someone else.

And then one day comes,
When a bond breaks,
When a single tear escapes,
And it's back to being lonely again!

??????

AAaaarrrrggggghhhhhhh!!!!!

That’s the exact thought that I have been having for the past couple of days. I mean WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE! I have witnessed in the last two years things which I thought would never happen, atleast to me. All my confidence in humanity has been officially lost!

All I see is how people are becoming more and more selfish, greedy and have no respect of how others feel by the things they do or for that matter how it affects them. It’s so unimaginable but still it happens. People do it all the time, relationships ends, friendships end..and that’s all we are left with. Feeling of bitterness, hate..just imagine someone you could not live without suddenly become the one you don't want to see.....EVER!

How people lose their perspective and how they manipulate the things and people around them for what….a few min, days,months, years…what is left of them in the end. Do they ever get back those feelings they lost, the people they lost, the memories that they could have made.

At what price are we sacrificing our humanity, our values , our morals. I think its time we take a step back and think where are we heading!

Am I happy today!

Yes in many many ways yes!!! I am happy that I finally found that one song I was looking for, happy that my nephew spoke two new words, happy that my family and friends love me to death. Just content, maybe not….trying to get more happiness …hell ya!!

Out of all the experiences life has offered, I feel we become stronger – our choice of course to be happy or evil. Kinda the balance of nature if we all chose to be happy who would superhero’s fight when there was no sulking super evil villain out to take revenge on society. Now that’s an entire different blog!

I looked out my window as I woke up today morning and saw the birds flying, people going to work, kids going to school, vegetable vendor screaming his guts out and only one thought remained…Life goes on!! It’s what you make of it really…that much I know now is true. There are so many contradictions in life, so many paradox’s, so many illusions you do tend to get lost.

Everyone I look to has some secret, some lie, some pain, some memory…something which we all hide. But still I see the smiles, I see the courage, I see the strength and it gives me strength…I guess its just the way we look at things…our perception of it!

So yes even if am not happy I will think thoughts that make me happy….getting up and being smiled at, the thought that you are loved is enough to make me happy. It’s something that we should spread around really…what goes around comes around right…

So yes I am happy today…I smile at the world and see it smiling back…I find the courage and the strength…to really see that I do love my life…I just don’t know it yet!

Don’t know which is harder….knowing or not knowing!

There are things in this life you feel will never happen to you or you wont let them happen and then bam your hit with the worst thing and that worst feeling stays with you. Its so hard to fight the urges, to deal with the pain and to console your soul. No matter how many friends you talk to and no matter how many times you abuse that one person. It still hurts pretty darn bad. The tears come after long breaks now but still they do…everyone says it takes time…but really does it ever heal. The hurt, the betrayal stays with you forever…becomes a part of you. Changes you somehow, I don’t know if its for the better or worse though.

That one person who held your hand, who told you he won’t leave suddenly leaves you stranded in the middle not knowing which direction you should head to. Your soul is torn apart, your heart breaks into a thousand pieces and yet you have to be ok and calm. You see your world breaking down as you helplessly sit on one corner..like watching a movie, feeling every minute of it but still it’s like its not happening to you.

And then you see and come to know the reasons, the things that person said. If you thought the heart break hurt, well you didn’t see this coming. So many memories flash before your eyes. You feel stupid, so naïve for not seeing the truth. But then again it’s only human I guess.

Human to hurt someone and human enough to be hurt. So ya I don’t know which is worse, knowing or the unknown but ultimately both lead to multifolds of pain!!