A Quest for Contentment

Now, this girl I know posed a question a while ago that got me thinking ever since. Every day is a struggle for many. Some days you wake up and feel tired or happy or funny or any emotion that you let rule your world for the day. Time is fleeting and there are literally a 100 things that I need to do or aspire to do. Lately, the recurring nightmare I’ve been having is that I’m not even putting 1/10^th worth of the effort into the things that I want to do in my life. I’m really just an insignificant speck of ash when I compare my life, my troubles with others. There are so many out there who are living a dreadful life or a really happy life. They are committed to doing what they want to do. I have learned one thing, change is very powerful. Life is fun if you choose to live it right.

Everyone has insecurities, tiny bits and broken pieces that makes us who we are. There is a lot of maturity in me (even though my behaviour at times might say otherwise) which then clashes with some teeny weeny streak of immaturity. The need to remember who I am and accept the differences is paramount now, that's a new level of maturity I've achieved I guess. If you want to be understood, without question, you need to first let the other understand you well. I have accepted the fact that if things are bad at the moment, it doesn’t mean that your life is bad. You never know how your words affect someone, how your strength helps the other endure their bad time or hardships. How your love, friendship and mere presence is needed by someone. You never know how your support is actually needed by some. We all need sheltering by the ones we choose to be a part of our lives. You don’t expect them give out on you, you want them to have your back and you want them to be okay with all your imperfections.

Everyday I wake up, I've started reiterating to myself that things will be okay. There are times when I fall and the fall is hard but then I'm learning to coexist with whatever is going on in my life. Staying quiet at times is the best solution and sometimes racing thoughts need voice even when people don’t even want to listen to me. It’s a task to have to convince my mind and heart. It’s about making the right choices, or at least what I think are right choices. It's a task to have to deal with pain. In life now, I have learnt to appreciate those who value me. It needs a lot of effort if one has the intention to make things work. You need someone who wants to talk things out and not wave you off. Someone who believes in your reveries. When someone makes an effort to ensure that you stay in touch with them.

I have learnt to just love people and pray for them. I have learnt that you cannot save everyone. No matter how hard you try or want to unless they want to change, they want to do better or be better. I have learnt that I’ve become very patient but I also know when to say it’s enough. I’ve learnt to knock on a closed door a couple of times so I don’t look back and regret that I didn’t make an effort. I've learnt that connections in life are many but the effort needed to sustain it should happen from both sides. I've learnt that it's very rare that you get love from a person the way you want to be loved or the way you love them and maybe if you're lucky, you just might end up getting it. It's recherché that there is that someone who notices little things about you and when you do find that person, don't ever let go. I’ve learnt that it’s okay to give your all to someone. Sometimes, I cannot reason well with myself, why I chose to let certain people be a part of my life, maybe it’s their journey or mine but I gave them what they needed because I wanted to at that point in time. Some part of them will always remain inside me and I guess that’s okay. It hurts, yes that you did more than the other but at least it leaves you with the satisfaction that you did what you did in a heartbeat. That should account for something, right? 

Maybe, the decisions I made were not so wrong. They have taught me to be thankful for and value whatever affection I receive. They've taught me that I need to be happy for me and be the reason for the happiness of others. My decisions have inspired me to write. I have learnt that even though silence is golden and sometimes my words need a canvas. All the words I’ve written have preserved a plethora of moments, memories, pain, hurt and love. I can look back any time and live them again, if I want to. Words need to transcend to actions for them to mean something. If I have a dream, I have to work towards it. I have to go through all the hardships and at times disappointments too but I know it will be worth it. I’ve learned to analyze myself, my emotions and the intent of others. I've realised my dreams and hope that the day I die, regret will not be a part of any list. I've taught myself to be sane and a little bit soft with myself even though pain runs through the veins. I have been drained of emotions, crumbled to tears but then also mastered the will to ensue, to comprehend what not to do in life, how not to hurt someone and how to love them. I've cultivated all these lessons.

And then one day it gets a little better. Maybe it isn't great or extraordinary yet because the pain still simmers somewhere underneath but it will get better. Like one day you woke up and the tears didn't fall like they used to or the anger didn't reflect as it used to. You wake up to the challenges of life. No relationship in your lifetime is ever really a waste. It brings you experience if nothing else. It enlightens you regarding your own drawbacks, strengths and passions. The spark that faded begins to emerge again. I now discern that I cannot make things run as per my wishes and that I cannot fight every battle.