Cicatrix

Sometimes cleaning out your computer is not a very wise thing to do. Maybe one should give that chore to someone else or just hit delete and let it all go. It takes a lot to try to be happy when someone and their actions still haunt you. There are so many things you wish for and then you wish them to end, because the pain still pokes once in a while. So, tear by tear you try to wash it out of your heart. You stop writing your feelings; poetry doesn’t do them justice anymore.

Of course it takes a lot of balls to sit in front of someone who cares for you immensely and then lie to their face. To lie to a person who knows all your truths. You can pretty much figure out how a person wants to just toy with you when they lie to you from the word go. How you are faced with every lie in the book. How can anyone survive with the guilt of misusing someone like that? I guess, I will never know. While a person claims that they have done so much for you but you know those are only words because no actions ever seem to supplement it. You make someone feel special for one moment and the next you rid them of it. You go to lengths to get something for them and then you say you can’t even remember it. When all you did was invest yourself truly, share your love unconditionally, agree to their terms and conditions and realize that you are not even worth their telephone no ( which of course is freely given out to other women) let alone their identity, what conclusion do you draw for yourself. When their feelings were scrubbed away by a night or two of lusting after others, that’s when you know how much you matter.

It’s funny how a person can disguise himself to suit a person you may like or fall for. If you feel cheating is wrong, show what a nice guy you are, bitch about another known person and how they cheat on their wife basically become who they want. Weave stories about how great a guy you are and then go ahead and prove otherwise. It’s a man’s job to make you secure, if he can’t and doesn’t, he never wanted to in the first place. It’s his job to make you feel loved, so you never have to question it. And if you question it, you know that their love is the convenient love and not the real kind.

When you genuinely care and fall for a person you at least want basic human civility from them. It’s very easy to cry to the world of all the follies and how their broken heart bleeds. Maybe it’s a trap for other women, to show the weak and vulnerable side. A real man would never play you and if you matter to them they will show it and word it out, that much I know now. That’s the point when know you were never cared for and you finally get the proof via their behavior when they meet you. There are innumerable questions that need answers. You want those answers, you even write down letters that will never be seen by another set of eyes because you question yourself that is there even a point in writing them because all you may get are lies since it clearly doesn’t make a difference for the other. So, you decide against it, you burn those letters. What’s the point of showing your love when they crush it every time, over and over.

There are a lot of ways to hurt a person. It hurts to know that when you hold a person, you can tell by their embrace that you're not loved by them at all as there is no feeling that is reciprocated, it’s like you’re the only one who feels for the other. It hurts to know the truth that your tears never mattered and just a call was a trigger to save their ass. It hurts to know that someone played with your emotions to satisfy their ego. It hurts to know that they truly don’t care for your well-being or safety. All the secrets then don’t matter because you realize it was all but a sham. Till that point it meant so much more and then it stopped at that moment.  If someone puts so much effort into pushing you away rather than pulling you to them, you should head to the exit door.

It’s weird now when I look at me. I don’t recognize at times the lifeless and blank eyes that haunt me when I’m drawn by a memory. I hate how familiar I have become with disappointment. It’s unacceptable how I accept that love has been unkind to me and how I’m scared to open up to some really good people. I am scared of what I have been turned into and what I have become. Because in order to unlove someone you have to kill yourself. You have to murder your feelings, hide your tears, and silence your screams. You have to teach yourself to forget, change yourself to heal, learn to let go of love. You get sick of the pain. People say that love keeps growing when you keep pouring it out and keep giving it to people who need it. But why does my heart feel so empty now? Moreover you have to learn to let go of the good times because honestly they hurt the most.  You have to let love drip out of your heart because with every tear, it breeds a new scar, a scar that turns to claws.

I can’t hurt a person maybe that’s my flaw. Maybe the biggest flaw is that I’m an honest person. When you’re blinded by love and other emotions, it hurts when your hopes, dreams, people and memories are cut from your life. The love lessons that you learn in your life have the power to change you. After any bad experience, you open the heart to someone hoping they won’t destroy it like others did before them. Everyone hurts you, in one way or another and feeling love for a person who treats you unfairly is horrid. No matter how many articles you read, no matter how many distractions you seek, it’s a hard task to train your heart your to forget the one you love.

Why me? It is a question that you will never get an answer for. Choose a person who says – why not you? So, you teach yourself to curb your feelings. And just like the puff of smoke, they will be gone, let them fade away.