Misunderstood!

Is it just me? I think it’s just me. 

How do you convey your perspective to someone? How do you put things across? Do people believe you to be fake? Do they think you are not what you say you are? Do they not see the sincerity in your words? I don’t know how I feel, its oscillating somewhere between feeling upset, anger, shock and introspection. Currently, I feel absolutely numb. My thoughts are jumbled. I don’t know what to make of the present situation. Is it best to keep quiet? Is it best to speak up? When you meet someone for the first time, why is there no manual that comes with them, to instruct you and help you guide in how to deal with them?

Once a person has created a perception about you, is there a point to defend it? So, you hear them out and accept it after arguing your point across. I’ve heard some pretty not so great claims about my behaviour and personality off late. All you can do then is to beckon the perseverance, empathy, and benevolence to listen sympathetically to someone else's perspective knowing that you cannot force them to change it but can only accept it and hope in time they see it for themselves. To come to a conclusion about how you are as a person, themselves.

Okay, I'm human. I’ve never been the one to fake emotions. I cannot manipulate people and it enrages me so when people think that I’m whatever perception of me they have built in their heads. I believe in open communication and clear communication for that matter. What I don’t like, I state. I’m emotional and it often comes out in more ways than one. It hurts that your actions are taken negatively. I used to be someone who used to make sure that my thoughts and actions convince the other person that I care but constantly having to explain your care for someone becomes taxing. What do you do then? You silence yourself. If you’ve said enough, more than enough, shouldn’t it be enough?  And at that time it’s rather unwise to be constructing your most potent contentions to persuade them that your point of view is befitting. Often in arguments, you learn what the other person thinks of you. Hurt as you may be, you understand then why your side never holds up.

Maybe, it is a fake world. People don’t value genuineness anymore. Maybe they've never met a lot of true souls. All that remains is hope, that people may see who you truly are. Now, I think it’s best to open up to people who understand your true nature.  If not, well, there isn’t anything more you can do anyway. Just go with the flow!

Hankering Hope

How we wish upon stars,

For a dream to come true,

How we depend on mortals,

To bring it to fruition too soon.

Destiny is what cannot be undone,

But can it, asked a silly little girl once,

She made her way to the moon alone,

Followed her heart, to see where it steered her to.

You cannot make someone follow your cause,

You cannot undo what’s done more than once,

But you can make an effort to move,

You can illuminate an obstinate dark room.

All you can do is voice your desire,

Let the luminaries decide thereafter,

Yearn and pleas to make them shift,

Guide yourself on a path envisioned within.

Image courtesy google

For the Love of Sarees

I love, love, love love wearing sarees. There is just something about this ensemble that is absolutely amazing (also, not to forget that the day I wear a saree it automatically turns into lots and lots of compliments filled day :p). Most girls have saree love, I’m no less. The obsession started the day I was old enough to admire my mom (who has a brilliant collection btw) wear saree to work. I was exceptionally impressed by this incredible Indian traditional guise, even as a young child. I literally started a Pinterest board one day and it is becoming popular as the days are going by.

Though till a specified epoch, I could not pursue my craving of purchasing and wearing sarees, I safeguarded my fancy for sarees and it deepened with time. Once I commenced work, became independent, I obeyed my passion and commitment to collecting beautiful sarees from various regions of India. Now, I already have about 4 big bags worth of sarees and since I like to experiment, I now want to expand my collection.

I’ve been a fan of Coloroso sarees for the longest of times now. Love the brand and the collection is super awesome. Though some of my favourites have to include Bandhej Sarees (especially the ones with broad zari borders). I have some Kanjeevaram sarees but they are so heavy, it almost is a pain at times to wear them, I have this beautiful emerald green kanjeevram saree to die for. Since mum was in a south Indian Bank, I ended up with lots of Mysore and Bangalore silk sarees too. The handloom weave is quite exquisite with glorious zari work. Bangalore silks, relatively simpler and less ostentatious, are equally resplendent. Bangalore Silks have pretty interlaced borders, and their minimalism makes them textbook for office wear. My love for kantha and Kalamkari is also on the rampant obsession now. I also got myself, Sambalpuri Saree, Taant sarees which I love but need a lot of work (not so sure about Jamdaani though) Odisha sarees and now I’m on the hunt for a dhakai. When it comes to cotton am actually quite picky. The maintenance that they require is crazy. Some make you look like a bloated balloon while the super net ones are not so bad really.The summer essential, Kota sari is an outright necessity. I also absolutely adore Gota work, shit expensive but incredible.

A Glimpse

Collecting sarees is a tough job, believe me the quest is often not too easy. There are various types of sarees from various states of India. Nearly each area has its own distinct design. I have gathered some of the most lovely and exclusive pieces, also ended up broke after that. But, more I research on sarees, the more I want to buy. Greedy? Hell ya!

UGH!!!!!

UGH. Just UGH. I’m a relatively tolerant person when it comes to dealing with shit. Why? Because I’m stupid most times. I give more, I do more, I care more and I love more. Like seriously. I have this strange habit of bringing everyone together. I joined work, and got all the team together, and still ended up with assholes. I plan meets with friends and make sure people are together. I hate being a good person at times. Yea I know it brings my subconscious no chaos but is it worth it? There are people who still end up hurting me and not really making up for it. I ignore it, I keep ignoring it.

I was so mad yesterday. Like bubbling mad. This ex colleague of mine I dislike so much it’s not even funny had landed back to work. What you do on your own time and by yourself I have no problems with but you invade into my territory, you start a war. Now, I was genuinely nice to her. She was supposedly “shy and reserved” HA! I have got to stop mothering and caring for people. I am not even fucking Mother Teresa reincarnate.  All these women who were here initially were so dry. I came in; first I don’t understand why people begin to copy my style. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD. Dude, like why can’t you get an identity and stop infringing on mine. I feel like a doppelganger keeps following me around. It’s almost like me where ever I go. My style, the lipsticks I wore, my hairstyle, my type of jewelry and then she stole my work ideas, bitched about me. Why do people have double standards? I hate that I can stoop low. I just cut back, I let go and completely. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing but once it’s in my heart to let go, I do it. I don’t ever look back. I’ve lost some people over it but its ok. I think people are meant to come and go in your life. The ones who want to stay make sure that they stay.

Anyway, so one fine day I happened to see a picture of MY TO-DO list as she was showing me some images on her phone. I know it’s a silly little thing but who does that? I felt as though my aspirations and dreams have been stolen. My path for my life had been taken away. I hate that, I hate it when people rob me of sanity. I’m the kind of person who gives everyone 3 chances, and once I’m done with you, I AM DONE. You don’t exist anymore for me. It was a very personal list, wherein I had detailed my life out. What I wanted to do and how I wanted to proceed. She stole it. That knocked my brains out. I’ve left 23 years of friendship; I’ve cut back on people I loved. I help people. You want my help, I’m the first person to come to your aid but if you play me, I will not tolerate that. The only thing I’m only ever mad about is why Karma doesn’t fuck such people up. When will that happen? Maybe being a bad person does help you survive in this world. Maybe I should turn into one.

Distressing Desire

It seems only a while back,

He came into her life,

Just another stranger,

He was just another guy.

Seems so surreal now,

How he made her feel,

It’s peculiar, it’s dismal,

It’s a disparate feeling.

She used to remind herself,

She’ll not fall in love,

Yet now it’s seen,

How badly she needed that.

Love is a subtle gift from each,

The way he made her heart skip a beat,

If he ever saw it in her core he'll discern,

It meant more to her than he’ll ever feel.

But she wanted his love in return,

All he gave her were deceits,

Maybe all she was to him,

Nothing more than a momentary fling.

Now she has to live through the pain again,

Some days are worse when memories emerge within,

It hurts more to know she never meant anything,

Drained her tears trying to evince her love for him.

Like a bee he waggled from one blossom to another,

Left her desolate without any nectar,

A moment that keeps repeating on loop,

She didn’t even receive a wish or two.

It’s hard to face reality sometimes,

She fell for his words and he refused to love her right,

With what will now does she fight for love,

When he doesn’t even want her enough.

Now she has to push herself away,

Shred her heart to bits and glue it back again,

Persuade herself to contemplate the world again,

Coerce herself to love anyone else who deserves her love today.

Unleash your Wild

I love every waterbody – be it the lakes, the rivers and the oceans – all of it. As I was discussing with my people about my resolutions that I just have to do this year and how one of which was to be more adventurous, family was sweet enough to plan a rafting trip as an additional gift for my birthday.

Now we decided Shivpuri as the starting point. This is the second point for the white water rafting trip in Rishikesh. It has Grade I and II rapids, which are easily doable with about medium difficulty ( now I want to do Grade III & IV ). It all starts easy enough, you strap on the gear, followed by instructions about the various commands on how you are to work in sync to get the best of the adventure. Things like security checks, positions, maneuvering instructions etc. etc. The raft is plunged into the Ganges, the guides do not forget to chant Ganga's name and the escapade begins.

Listening to the instructions carefully and acting upon them needs so much coordination. We started paddling swiftly and willed the raft as per our way. Since the flow was not that great, we only did encounter about 3 rapids. The rapids were so wild. It helps you usher in some challenge and some vigour. It’s an excellent team building sport too.

Next I really do want to try out Kayaking, the life guard (tiny little bugger) was superb at it. The best part was when he made the Kayak go under water all the way, scary but so much fun. 

Rafting is one of the most beguiling and memorable experience that turns you into an adrenaline junkie. The risk of undergoing any mishap is high, especially when you’re a novice and you don’t know how to swim. The most memorable part for me though was the half an hour spent in the middle of the calm river, absorbing all that nature has to offer. The only drawback was that the water was freaking cold. The experience was truly amazing.

You often don’t feel the pain but by the end of the activity, you’re so drained that all you need to do is eat and sleep. Your body aches in places you thought you had only fat (honest :p). It was but a satisfying and enjoyable trip, one that I really want to do again.

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Endeavour

Wow, just like that another year went by, four additional days went by and an extra number has been added to my life.  It’s almost like a tradition now that I write to me every year about whatever I want or how I feel or anything else. The concept behind this philosophy was to examine my life so that when I look back I can scrutinize where I’m at and how I’ve lived. I think I’m at that age where I’ve learnt the realities of life. I can manage things okay. I need some motivation now. I don’t want to be lost anymore or give priority to others but experience my life so I know that I made an effort to live. Hence, it is decided, that the coming months will see some major changes. It’s about time too, I think.

Every year, I learn some new lessons, some are implemented and some are mislaid in the chaos of the world of emotions. So, this year I thought I’ll scratch my New Year’s resolutions and just make a to-do list. After conducting a SWOT analysis of my life, I think I have it figured out. I’ve been reading a lot about emotional intelligence over the past few days and it has lead me to the conclusion that what you do, how you do it, has sensitivity or the lack of it attached to it. The hard task though will be to train the heart, since sometimes the mind can be controlled by will. Our minds are devious little things. How you train your brain, with negative or positive reinforcement helps distinguish between logic, emotions and intent. The rational and logical part of me knows what needs to be done and I also at times force myself to follow what needs to be done but how do I train my heart? That is one part of me that has a mind of its own.

My birthday week ( more like the bday month and more) is almost always a lot of fun coupled with celebratory gathering of family and friends. So many feelings fizzed to the surface for me this week while I’ve been having a good time with the people who I cherish the most. There is a drive I have this year, a mission that I want to accomplish. A list of my resolutions for this year that I want to pursue, worth a try I think. I'm good at motivating others but myself, to refashion myself is a task nonetheless. So, here the 32 things that I HAVE to do before I turn 33:

1. Attend a Music Concert: Can you imagine, a person like me , with one of my greatest passions in life being music, have not attended a rock concert. I’ve been to classical dance and music concerts, sufi concerts, but never a classic rock or a generic music concert or even sunburn in Goa. So, this year I have got to do that. Maybe not rock, maybe I’ll just go see Chris Brown.
2. Seek Variety: Even while I’m writing this it sounds soooo tedious but I have to make the effort to like something I currently dislike, like a music genre or blue cheese (yuck) or lobia ( double yuck), Foir Gras (don’t really like the taste of liver) – maybe ( I doubt it) but I may end up liking it!
3. Get more creative: I used to create so many beautiful things from scratch. It feels amazing to create something beautiful by yourself.  There are so many of my unfinished projects at home, time to complete them. I want to do things now that make me happy. I deserve to create something that makes me feel happy!
4. Write: I want to branch out to writing short stories. Focus on creative writing, maybe enroll for a course. I want to capture precious moments I know I will forget at some point in time. Writing helps me endear the present.
5. Be more adventurous: Okay, so I like exploring new things. I want to get out the house every day and do something new. I want to make it as big as possible even if it’s a minuscule moment. I want to live it. For instance, June witnessed rafting. It was such an amazing experience. To be floating in the middle of calm river or to be bobbing over the wild river. Such an adrenaline rush.
6. Get a tattoo: About time man. I have the design ready, just lack the nerve to actually walk in and get it done. I have to absolutely get inked this year. Irrespective of the pain, dude I so want to get it.
7. Be naughty: Do something that I may regret later. I really want to do that. Sometimes the best things happen when I have decided to take a risk. I want to make a fool of myself without feeling embarrassed. I want to be bold and do something that is so not me. Just need to think this over. Trying weed is one. Maybe even try a thing or two with a stranger :p, I want to surprise myself.
8. Travel by myself. I’m not really a loner. I like company. I can’t even have lunch alone. I need people around me but I need to do this. Just wander off. Go for a picnic on my own. Maybe go on a solo trip when I visit US. Spend a night camping under the stars. I have to do this.
9. Plan a holiday with friends: I did that once, went to Goa with my gal pals and it was truly an incredible feeling. I want to definitely do this one again. Need to start researching destinations. Bangkok is high up on the list though closely followed by Bhutan.
10. Need more pictures: Re-do my childhood album. Sort all my pictures. I so need to click more pics and make new memories to print and put them in frames around my home. There are so many beautiful and precious moments that I live every day, have to capture them, right? 
11. Learn more:  There is so much knowledge out there. I want to know. Never stop learning. I have that hunger to learn, it dims once in a while but I have to keep it soaring. That’s going to be a task though. I have the desire, I need to feed myself. For example, learn more about sports, taxation, history, mythology, space etc. etc. I know a little bit but not much in detail.
12. Get a new Hobby: I have this beautiful guitar that is begging me to be played. That or pottery, has to happen this year for sure. Even if I have to make time, I will do it. I also want to learn a new language. I’ve been forever torn between French and Spanish. Leaning towards Spanish a lot more now. 
13. Start cooking again: Cooking is a stress buster for me. I used to make some kick ass food, invent new recipes and throw house parties like crazy.  Time to restock the bar; take out the oven mitts, tandoor grills and hello fun times.
14. Reignite my passions: Nature walks, painting, dancing, writing, singing, reading. I need to reignite my muse and find out what inspires me now.
15. Give my career a boost: I’m relatively famous but still not where I want to be. Need to work a little more at it. Apply for my dream job. You never know what will happen!
16. Start my own business or Enroll for PHD: or at least look for options. I do want that title in front of my name and I will get it. Wanted to do MBA, that is happening and hopefully shall culminate soon.
17. Save more: I confess, I’m not that great at saving. I have to do that more. I have some money saved but it isn’t enough. I need to learn to manage my finances well.
18. Try to move out: Live somewhere that is totally different to Delhi or India for that matter. Living alone does wonders for you I’ve heard as it broaden the horizons and lets you experience alternative perspectives and different cultures. Don’t know if I’m brave enough to do this but at least I will try.
19. Conquer my fears: I have a lot of potential, I know it but I’m just plain scared at times. I need to let that go. Get out of my comfort zone. I want to stop comparing myself to others. Make or find my own path. Have to start meditation again.
20. Get rid of frenemies: There are a lot of friendships that I have build but some ended up hurting me more. I have pruned my circle quite a lot but I guess some more of it needs to be done. So, listing out the friends that I have, categorize them and do the needful. Clean my life. I don’t need that kind of negativity around me. What I want now is to surround myself with people who challenge me by their example. Who genuinely enjoy my company and with whom I feel like my best self. I want to nurture such people, to be laugh with them freely and contribute to their life.
21. Tell people who matter that I love them: I have realized I take a lot of people for granted at times. I need to step up my game and make them know that they are loved, just as they make me feel it. There are so many people in my life who cherish me. I need to do the same and let them know too.
22. Meet new people: This is kind of like an extension to a resolution for this year. I’ve met some really interesting people over the few months and it has provided me with a different revelation. In the process of meeting a lot more, it’s amazing though how different mindsets are. Fascinating.
23. Do more charity: I used to do a lot of it, need to get back to it. Start volunteer work too. Need some soul food now. I always wanted to work with children; I wonder why I haven’t done anything about it. Research mode – ON.
24. Gardening: It sounds really silly but I want to grow a plant from a seed. I don’t know why this desire has come up but I really do want to do this.
25. Quit a bad habit:  Need to stop smoking, consume less of alcohol (I know I know but gotta do it).
26. Disconnect to Connect with myself:  Go without technology for a week, sounds scary but I think I need this. I want to enjoy a very peaceful and tranquil week with people I cherish or doing things I love. It happens in small breaks now, it’s actually taught me tolerance too.
27. Pamper myself: I don’t do it as much as I should. I prioritize others, I need to change that. I need to start taking better care of myself. I need more of spa therapies, beauty treatments, whatever that is good for me. I need it; I want it because I deserve it. Go out for a meal by myself (which surprisingly I never have), order my favorite meal and leave whenever I’m ready – bliss. Wear an outfit I love or one I think I can’t. Watch all the movies and soaps I’ve listed down but haven’t had the time to watch.  Read all the books that I want to. The bibliophile in me has risen again. I’m already doing this, just need to keep at it. Get Healthy, this has to be high priority folks. Got a fitbit and have to make use of it. Treat myself to something I really want, like a pair of gold earnings or diamond studs.
28. Let others pamper me: I’m usually a person who doesn’t like to be pampered and feel rather awkward when people do. I know what I’m and it’s weird to be complimented for it. But from now I will allow the people to pamper me because if that gives them the happiness that they did something for me and it’s something that they want to do for me, who am I to deny them :p. The birthday started this resolution; family did their pampering, planned an amazing day for me and now others are lined up to do the same. Excited? HELL YEAH! I want to see who does what for me, since I’m the one planning surprises, am absolutely looking forward to seeing what they all do for me. The shower of gifts had begun a week back and still happening so let’s see. Okay, now I’m excited all over again.
29. Forgive my parents: This is a lot harder than it sounds. There are a lot of expectations as children that we have with our parents, similarly how they have them from us. There are a lot of mistakes that are done by them while raising us. No one is perfect I agree, and there are a lot of things that you want to change but you cannot, so try to forgive them but make sure that you raise your children right. 
30. Forgive people I’ve loved from my past: There have been people who I have loved immensely and they have betrayed me, my trust, my faith and my love. From my very close friends whom I really cherished to two people I truly did love from all of my being. I have realized that I will never be able to change what has happened or alter their behaviors but I’ve got to forgive whatever hurt is left and move on. Somewhere the pain is still there. When you love a person more than they love you ( or pretend to) and they treat you bad, you have to begin to unlove them. Even if it kills you, changes you, you have to take that step for your own sanity. Hurting someone intentionally over and over is NOT love. Because if you truly do love or at least even care remotely for someone you will make an effort, if someone can't even punch a couple of numbers on the phone for you, you know where you stand. If you cry oceans and still there is no action from their end you know how much they value you. So, move away. It’s better to stop breaking your own heart, kill any hope that you may have, it's better to walk away than to expect them to care for you at all. I’m getting better at it because even though unloving someone is almost like a rebirth, you have to do it. You have to erase everything and start anew.  I have to let go completely this year only clause is forgive but don’t forget.
31. Look to the future: I have to now invest myself in a person who loves me and I don’t have to question it. Intention and effort are two very important things, if there is an intention and there is no effort, it can never work and if the intent is not there, you will never ever make an effort. The last year has taught me this - if he doesn’t call you, or makes no effort to see you, it’s because HE DOESN'T WANT TO or treats you like shit because HE DOESN’T CARE. If he lets you go it’s because he DOES NOT WANT YOU. If he deceives you, uses other women, HE DOESN’T RESPECT YOU. In short, HE DOESN’T REALLY LOVE YOU, he played you like a fiddle. Choose a man who does not keep playing mind games. Choose a person whose actions I don’t have to justify because I love him. The kind of person who stays with me without any pretense, dishonesties, excuses or barriers, one who knows I’m a prize. One who is genuine, mature and sees a future with me, someone who sees my worth and not someone who doesn’t know what he wants. I deserve a guy who values me and fights for me every single day. I’ve earned the opportunity to enjoy a relationship that makes me happy, wanted and desired.
32. Forgive myself: This is going to be THE hardest task I think. There is just so much of blame that I put on myself for not knowing better, or not doing the right thing or getting swayed. I need to forgive myself. I need to grow. I need to learn and unlearn. Admit that I made some poor choices and it is a part of growing up. I had emotional blinders on and I need to accept whatever has happened. I've achieved a lot in life. I don't realise it but when people point it out to me, I have to give myself credit for it. I do love who I am. I just need to forgive myself for my follies.

There comes a time when you realize that there is a lot more to you, a lot more potential that others see in you but yourself and there is a lot more to life. It has to be a progression which assists you in coming to the conclusion that you do deserve better things in your life. Now, certain changes that I want to bring about in myself are the result of a lot of internalization and introspection. Decisions that I have taken, repercussions of those, I have to deal with it all. I need to have a strong mind and own a stronger heart for it. It’s easy to get involved in the grief, stress, blah blah but for how long? Anyway, after the all the introspection I’ve done and having identified a lot of pros and cons in myself, it’s about time that I focus on me, my life and my happiness. 

Image courtesy google

tête-à-tête

It all boils down to spending time with people who match the tangent of your wavelength, build up the curve and provide food for your thoughts. If you meet a person it is not possible for them to escape their persona or the way they do things. There are some days though much like today, that you end up over thinking life, okay maybe I’ve had to face many such days but some days are just hopeless. At times you need a break, a day of no connection with the rest of the world, no work, no responsibilities, no crowd but just two people, two minds and a million contemplations. So, you escape all traps and you exercise your right of freedom over your life.

It’s good to be spontaneous once in a while. To alter your mundane routine, you are convinced to skip work and trade it for something totally different, it’s like an exciting twist on the drink of life. Some days you just want solitude and those are the exact days when someone makes sure that you aren’t alone. As annoying as it can get at times, it’s what tags them cute. It is commendable the effort they make to see you smile. Sometimes all you desire is some soothing company, invigorating conversation and great music. This is the best stress buster one can undergo.

The ebb and flow of conversation, how playful it can get, has always been THE thing that attracts me. You never experience a dull moment when you intently listen to a person as they share their knowledge and combine it with your understanding, belief and perception of things. Discussions leading from mundane topics for instance general temperament to life struggles, experiences of people, anecdotes, engaging issues ranging from trends, art, music, movies, literature, poetry, books, politics or governance.

For example, the presidential elections of the US. The race to lead one of the super powers is high on the agenda. The cat fight between the Republicans and the Democrats, their missions, visions, benefits, ruthless banters, all call for one extremely debatable conversation. The Brits and we have it easy, elections are pretty straight forward a deal unlike the US, which makes things even more interesting. The race to presidential elections has been made quite controversial especially by Trump, how he’s the leading Republican is scary, it’s almost like watching The Apprentice on repeat. His belittling statements towards womenfolk, his shameless approach, his cynicism and his naivety in the political field questions his candidature for leading the country. My preference is Sanders followed closely by Biden. But the most interesting part of the campaign though is Clinton and Trump to say nonetheless. It’s almost like a debate off between Congress and BJP. 

How we choose our leaders says a lot about the mindset of the people of a country. I have my own biases when it comes to politics. I haven't witnessed any other politician as amazing as Atal Bihari Vajpayee ji, a multi-faceted personality, skilled poet, great strategist, awesome public speaker and in general a solid good human being. He has been by far the most suited Prime Minister than any I have ever seen. And when I compare him to other politicians, pardon my french but I know some words to share in their fake glory, he still comes up top.

It takes a lot to stick to good governance and actually practice it, making the system more transparent. All over the world, I'm truly happy that a pivotal element of policy structures is now focused on gender parity, empowerment of women, safety and other pertinent women issues, the vulnerable and the minorities. It's a play of power hunger and power struggle as always but it is at least targeting a more responsive society by critically analysing the past and the future scenarios and needs. Key cornerstones like equal partnerships, protection of human rights, strengthening the policy framework, informed decisions, better judiciary involvement, a non corrupt law enforcement along with better convergence and participation of all stakeholders may give hope to the country. A broad consensus coupled with sustainable human development might actually help us achieve some stability and a better vision for the entire nation. That's the dream.

Cheers to a good day!