Endeavour

Wow, just like that another year went by, four additional days went by and an extra number has been added to my life.  It’s almost like a tradition now that I write to me every year about whatever I want or how I feel or anything else. The concept behind this philosophy was to examine my life so that when I look back I can scrutinize where I’m at and how I’ve lived. I think I’m at that age where I’ve learnt the realities of life. I can manage things okay. I need some motivation now. I don’t want to be lost anymore or give priority to others but experience my life so I know that I made an effort to live. Hence, it is decided, that the coming months will see some major changes. It’s about time too, I think.

Every year, I learn some new lessons, some are implemented and some are mislaid in the chaos of the world of emotions. So, this year I thought I’ll scratch my New Year’s resolutions and just make a to-do list. After conducting a SWOT analysis of my life, I think I have it figured out. I’ve been reading a lot about emotional intelligence over the past few days and it has lead me to the conclusion that what you do, how you do it, has sensitivity or the lack of it attached to it. The hard task though will be to train the heart, since sometimes the mind can be controlled by will. Our minds are devious little things. How you train your brain, with negative or positive reinforcement helps distinguish between logic, emotions and intent. The rational and logical part of me knows what needs to be done and I also at times force myself to follow what needs to be done but how do I train my heart? That is one part of me that has a mind of its own.

My birthday week ( more like the bday month and more) is almost always a lot of fun coupled with celebratory gathering of family and friends. So many feelings fizzed to the surface for me this week while I’ve been having a good time with the people who I cherish the most. There is a drive I have this year, a mission that I want to accomplish. A list of my resolutions for this year that I want to pursue, worth a try I think. I'm good at motivating others but myself, to refashion myself is a task nonetheless. So, here the 32 things that I HAVE to do before I turn 33:

1. Attend a Music Concert: Can you imagine, a person like me , with one of my greatest passions in life being music, have not attended a rock concert. I’ve been to classical dance and music concerts, sufi concerts, but never a classic rock or a generic music concert or even sunburn in Goa. So, this year I have got to do that. Maybe not rock, maybe I’ll just go see Chris Brown.
2. Seek Variety: Even while I’m writing this it sounds soooo tedious but I have to make the effort to like something I currently dislike, like a music genre or blue cheese (yuck) or lobia ( double yuck), Foir Gras (don’t really like the taste of liver) – maybe ( I doubt it) but I may end up liking it!
3. Get more creative: I used to create so many beautiful things from scratch. It feels amazing to create something beautiful by yourself.  There are so many of my unfinished projects at home, time to complete them. I want to do things now that make me happy. I deserve to create something that makes me feel happy!
4. Write: I want to branch out to writing short stories. Focus on creative writing, maybe enroll for a course. I want to capture precious moments I know I will forget at some point in time. Writing helps me endear the present.
5. Be more adventurous: Okay, so I like exploring new things. I want to get out the house every day and do something new. I want to make it as big as possible even if it’s a minuscule moment. I want to live it. For instance, June witnessed rafting. It was such an amazing experience. To be floating in the middle of calm river or to be bobbing over the wild river. Such an adrenaline rush.
6. Get a tattoo: About time man. I have the design ready, just lack the nerve to actually walk in and get it done. I have to absolutely get inked this year. Irrespective of the pain, dude I so want to get it.
7. Be naughty: Do something that I may regret later. I really want to do that. Sometimes the best things happen when I have decided to take a risk. I want to make a fool of myself without feeling embarrassed. I want to be bold and do something that is so not me. Just need to think this over. Trying weed is one. Maybe even try a thing or two with a stranger :p, I want to surprise myself.
8. Travel by myself. I’m not really a loner. I like company. I can’t even have lunch alone. I need people around me but I need to do this. Just wander off. Go for a picnic on my own. Maybe go on a solo trip when I visit US. Spend a night camping under the stars. I have to do this.
9. Plan a holiday with friends: I did that once, went to Goa with my gal pals and it was truly an incredible feeling. I want to definitely do this one again. Need to start researching destinations. Bangkok is high up on the list though closely followed by Bhutan.
10. Need more pictures: Re-do my childhood album. Sort all my pictures. I so need to click more pics and make new memories to print and put them in frames around my home. There are so many beautiful and precious moments that I live every day, have to capture them, right? 
11. Learn more:  There is so much knowledge out there. I want to know. Never stop learning. I have that hunger to learn, it dims once in a while but I have to keep it soaring. That’s going to be a task though. I have the desire, I need to feed myself. For example, learn more about sports, taxation, history, mythology, space etc. etc. I know a little bit but not much in detail.
12. Get a new Hobby: I have this beautiful guitar that is begging me to be played. That or pottery, has to happen this year for sure. Even if I have to make time, I will do it. I also want to learn a new language. I’ve been forever torn between French and Spanish. Leaning towards Spanish a lot more now. 
13. Start cooking again: Cooking is a stress buster for me. I used to make some kick ass food, invent new recipes and throw house parties like crazy.  Time to restock the bar; take out the oven mitts, tandoor grills and hello fun times.
14. Reignite my passions: Nature walks, painting, dancing, writing, singing, reading. I need to reignite my muse and find out what inspires me now.
15. Give my career a boost: I’m relatively famous but still not where I want to be. Need to work a little more at it. Apply for my dream job. You never know what will happen!
16. Start my own business or Enroll for PHD: or at least look for options. I do want that title in front of my name and I will get it. Wanted to do MBA, that is happening and hopefully shall culminate soon.
17. Save more: I confess, I’m not that great at saving. I have to do that more. I have some money saved but it isn’t enough. I need to learn to manage my finances well.
18. Try to move out: Live somewhere that is totally different to Delhi or India for that matter. Living alone does wonders for you I’ve heard as it broaden the horizons and lets you experience alternative perspectives and different cultures. Don’t know if I’m brave enough to do this but at least I will try.
19. Conquer my fears: I have a lot of potential, I know it but I’m just plain scared at times. I need to let that go. Get out of my comfort zone. I want to stop comparing myself to others. Make or find my own path. Have to start meditation again.
20. Get rid of frenemies: There are a lot of friendships that I have build but some ended up hurting me more. I have pruned my circle quite a lot but I guess some more of it needs to be done. So, listing out the friends that I have, categorize them and do the needful. Clean my life. I don’t need that kind of negativity around me. What I want now is to surround myself with people who challenge me by their example. Who genuinely enjoy my company and with whom I feel like my best self. I want to nurture such people, to be laugh with them freely and contribute to their life.
21. Tell people who matter that I love them: I have realized I take a lot of people for granted at times. I need to step up my game and make them know that they are loved, just as they make me feel it. There are so many people in my life who cherish me. I need to do the same and let them know too.
22. Meet new people: This is kind of like an extension to a resolution for this year. I’ve met some really interesting people over the few months and it has provided me with a different revelation. In the process of meeting a lot more, it’s amazing though how different mindsets are. Fascinating.
23. Do more charity: I used to do a lot of it, need to get back to it. Start volunteer work too. Need some soul food now. I always wanted to work with children; I wonder why I haven’t done anything about it. Research mode – ON.
24. Gardening: It sounds really silly but I want to grow a plant from a seed. I don’t know why this desire has come up but I really do want to do this.
25. Quit a bad habit:  Need to stop smoking, consume less of alcohol (I know I know but gotta do it).
26. Disconnect to Connect with myself:  Go without technology for a week, sounds scary but I think I need this. I want to enjoy a very peaceful and tranquil week with people I cherish or doing things I love. It happens in small breaks now, it’s actually taught me tolerance too.
27. Pamper myself: I don’t do it as much as I should. I prioritize others, I need to change that. I need to start taking better care of myself. I need more of spa therapies, beauty treatments, whatever that is good for me. I need it; I want it because I deserve it. Go out for a meal by myself (which surprisingly I never have), order my favorite meal and leave whenever I’m ready – bliss. Wear an outfit I love or one I think I can’t. Watch all the movies and soaps I’ve listed down but haven’t had the time to watch.  Read all the books that I want to. The bibliophile in me has risen again. I’m already doing this, just need to keep at it. Get Healthy, this has to be high priority folks. Got a fitbit and have to make use of it. Treat myself to something I really want, like a pair of gold earnings or diamond studs.
28. Let others pamper me: I’m usually a person who doesn’t like to be pampered and feel rather awkward when people do. I know what I’m and it’s weird to be complimented for it. But from now I will allow the people to pamper me because if that gives them the happiness that they did something for me and it’s something that they want to do for me, who am I to deny them :p. The birthday started this resolution; family did their pampering, planned an amazing day for me and now others are lined up to do the same. Excited? HELL YEAH! I want to see who does what for me, since I’m the one planning surprises, am absolutely looking forward to seeing what they all do for me. The shower of gifts had begun a week back and still happening so let’s see. Okay, now I’m excited all over again.
29. Forgive my parents: This is a lot harder than it sounds. There are a lot of expectations as children that we have with our parents, similarly how they have them from us. There are a lot of mistakes that are done by them while raising us. No one is perfect I agree, and there are a lot of things that you want to change but you cannot, so try to forgive them but make sure that you raise your children right. 
30. Forgive people I’ve loved from my past: There have been people who I have loved immensely and they have betrayed me, my trust, my faith and my love. From my very close friends whom I really cherished to two people I truly did love from all of my being. I have realized that I will never be able to change what has happened or alter their behaviors but I’ve got to forgive whatever hurt is left and move on. Somewhere the pain is still there. When you love a person more than they love you ( or pretend to) and they treat you bad, you have to begin to unlove them. Even if it kills you, changes you, you have to take that step for your own sanity. Hurting someone intentionally over and over is NOT love. Because if you truly do love or at least even care remotely for someone you will make an effort, if someone can't even punch a couple of numbers on the phone for you, you know where you stand. If you cry oceans and still there is no action from their end you know how much they value you. So, move away. It’s better to stop breaking your own heart, kill any hope that you may have, it's better to walk away than to expect them to care for you at all. I’m getting better at it because even though unloving someone is almost like a rebirth, you have to do it. You have to erase everything and start anew.  I have to let go completely this year only clause is forgive but don’t forget.
31. Look to the future: I have to now invest myself in a person who loves me and I don’t have to question it. Intention and effort are two very important things, if there is an intention and there is no effort, it can never work and if the intent is not there, you will never ever make an effort. The last year has taught me this - if he doesn’t call you, or makes no effort to see you, it’s because HE DOESN'T WANT TO or treats you like shit because HE DOESN’T CARE. If he lets you go it’s because he DOES NOT WANT YOU. If he deceives you, uses other women, HE DOESN’T RESPECT YOU. In short, HE DOESN’T REALLY LOVE YOU, he played you like a fiddle. Choose a man who does not keep playing mind games. Choose a person whose actions I don’t have to justify because I love him. The kind of person who stays with me without any pretense, dishonesties, excuses or barriers, one who knows I’m a prize. One who is genuine, mature and sees a future with me, someone who sees my worth and not someone who doesn’t know what he wants. I deserve a guy who values me and fights for me every single day. I’ve earned the opportunity to enjoy a relationship that makes me happy, wanted and desired.
32. Forgive myself: This is going to be THE hardest task I think. There is just so much of blame that I put on myself for not knowing better, or not doing the right thing or getting swayed. I need to forgive myself. I need to grow. I need to learn and unlearn. Admit that I made some poor choices and it is a part of growing up. I had emotional blinders on and I need to accept whatever has happened. I've achieved a lot in life. I don't realise it but when people point it out to me, I have to give myself credit for it. I do love who I am. I just need to forgive myself for my follies.

There comes a time when you realize that there is a lot more to you, a lot more potential that others see in you but yourself and there is a lot more to life. It has to be a progression which assists you in coming to the conclusion that you do deserve better things in your life. Now, certain changes that I want to bring about in myself are the result of a lot of internalization and introspection. Decisions that I have taken, repercussions of those, I have to deal with it all. I need to have a strong mind and own a stronger heart for it. It’s easy to get involved in the grief, stress, blah blah but for how long? Anyway, after the all the introspection I’ve done and having identified a lot of pros and cons in myself, it’s about time that I focus on me, my life and my happiness. 

Image courtesy google