Swan Lake

Ballet is one of the most intriguing, yet one of the most delicate dance forms there is. Seeking its origin since the early 15^th Century, ballet is grace incarnate. Like many Indians kids are often pushed towards traditional and classical dance forms, not excluding myself, whether it’s either Bharatnatayam or Kathak, dance often becomes one of the mandatory childhood extra- curricular activity. I’ve seen a couple of family friend’s kids perform ballet recitals, other than that nothing professionally. So, imagine my enthusiasm when Swan Lake came to town (Yippeee)! Created by the master  Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, Swan Lake has proved itself to be one of the most popular ballet performances of the 21^st Century.

Brought to Delhi by the Royal Russian Ballet Company, a marvellous performance that has been bewitching people since 1875.  The thing about beautiful pieces of work, just like people, is that no one sees the complexities that hold it together to bring about something so magical that it leaves you breathless. The classic love story of a prince and a princess, who struggle but  finally have their happy ending, tragic as it may be, this is the kind of story every one of us strives for in our lives. 

The beauty of emotions and the flow of the story portrayed through classic and enticing dance moments, is one that is both rewarding, and makes you become a part of something bigger, a more magnificent wonder of talent and creativity. All I can say is that, an experience like this broadens your horizons and for a couple of hours, transports you into the fantasy world of love, dance and grace, that you leaves you mesmerized!

Toska!

I bring about my own misery, imagine that. The things that affect me the most remain with me for a long time and they are often difficult to recover from. I do manage it but then it takes a while for me to be completely okay with things. I often think that the decisions I make in life are because of a certain moral grounding that I have and I know that is what gets me in to trouble. I can easily just follow my whims and fancies but the burden of guilt post that is something that I just cannot live with.

For example, in life I have let go of people who do not do me justice, even though we've shared really close moments together or have been friends since a long time. In case of relatives, I'm the one who speaks out and even though I am the younger clan, I still stand up for what I believe in. It may not be accepted in the best of spirits but that's okay. In case of my family, even though I'm the youngest I've always been treated like I'm the oldest when it comes to decision making or doing certain things in the absence of my siblings or in presence of. That's a huge burden to carry. 

In case of love, with the first love of my life, I could have prioritized myself (which I've learnt now I should) and let him go to hell, instead I was the one who gave my 100% and suffered 110%. Agreed, he also had a hard time, I mean five years would have meant for something. In another failed attempt at love, even though I loved the person really really a lot, I chose to do the right thing. It hurt like a bitch but I had to do it. 

It hurts to see your love being abused so much, eventually you do get tired of it. Seeing him doing right by others and wrong by me, treating me in the worst possible manner, it all hurts a lot but it's a decision I took and I alone have to live with the consequences. I have no one to blame but me. I've been suffering for two years now and it's eased up a little but still, it hurts. At work, I instantly fall into the trap of being overworked, maybe because I cannot say no or since I do good work it comes to me but again, I am the one who is worked the most without the credit that I deserve.

Sometimes I really want to do things the way others do, with lack of disregard for others feelings or without any morality but then what I want to know is how do they cope with the guilt or rather how do they not acknowledge that guilt. I really want to know, maybe in learning that way of life, I can be happy with my decisions, because honestly, I'm just sick of crying. 

Orphic Love!

You know how we watch scary movies and the killer goes on a killing spree. You watch each murder after murder and you flinch, scream and then the movie ends. The killer is caught or dies and it justifies all his wrongful acts. But what about the ones who kill your heart? Who seeks to avenge your heart when it is killed by many people? People just say "oh, that's normal, you'll be fine", but are you ever fine? You might end up with someone and be happy, I have no doubts about that but you never forget how your heart broke. You never forget the tears. You never forget the pain. 

It's hard. I will not lie to you, it's very hard to digest the fact that you open up your heart to someone and every single time you end up witnessing how it gets squashed over and over. My worst trait is that I keep thinking of things and people that hurt me. Knowing the guy I love ( well, kinda), he will be busy romancing another, while writing about me or anyone and going home to someone else. Yet, the thing about love is, when you love someone, even though you might not see eye to eye at some point, it does not mean that the love goes away. You see it everyday in your eyes, you teach your heart everyday to move on, you silently break down every tiny piece of your soul that holds this love. That's the penance your heart has to suffer every day and every night.

Vad!

How safe are you in Delhi? That’s the first question that comes to everyone's mind as soon as they start speaking with you. Since I drive, I’ve had a couple of stalking experiences and yes, it’s scary but if you keep your wits about, you do end up escaping that situation. Never really had the psycho stalker shit, well, online...that I’ve had quite a few. 

However, it’s rather annoying that men think that cheap tricks will help you get the girl. I feel it’s mostly about how they have been programmed by watching all the sordid Bollywood movies where essentially the subtle message is that girls like being stalked. This provides encouragement to such men who constantly nudge the girls to say "yes". It’s only when certain men cannot accept rejection, they act out in the most horrendous ways possible. 

So, I was at this event, listening to this group I admire to bits and there across our table, a group of men kept constant watch. I mean literally  two of those men kept turning back and checking us out.  You get that icky feeling when someone’s staring at you. Upon further review and confirmation by my friends, yeah a guy was checking me out ALL THROUGHOUT THE DAMN SHOW!

I mean how will just staring me down will get me to even bother taking an interest in you? I felt so violated just with his incessant stare. This wasn’t the end of it, the constant show of presence around you, trying to gain attention is like by-the-book shitty tricks. Either man up and approach ( which actually I think he tried as I was about to leave, but really got so spooked that I drove away like a mad woman) but I mean what’s this deal that you have to act like this? If you like a person, I would rather appreciate that you walk up to to me and talk to me without making me uncomfortable. Anyway, the entire night goes for a toss when you encounter such creeps.  Ugh!!!! 

But it raises a question in your mind that there are women who are not so lucky, there may be women who like this attention. I just wanted to have a good time with my friends, chilling with some good music and some good beer, but all I did get that evening was my attention and comfort being poked at. Not a great feeling! 

Lorn!

Before him I hurt and cried,

It took a while but, 
I settled my heart just fine,

I was happy and back to living my life,

I held a cured heart in my hands one night,

And then he came like a deep tide,
He brought in hope of love and I sighed,

But didn't know that was a weapon of his choice,

He dragged my heart through dirt,

Stomped and kicked it till it hurt,

I picked up my broken heart,

Tried to make it heal right,

But now I feel lonely all the time,
Holding in my hands, this broken heart of mine.

Youth is a blessing, Old age is a curse!

Our society is built on clichés. Everyone says that the youth is a blessing and old age is a curse, but is it? Yes, youth is great when you have all the energy, you are naive and you see the world through rose tinted spectacles but as you age you realize how life is. Even if it's unfair, and you have built wisdom over the years to handle whatever it is that life throws at you, you still need patience to withstand it all. As a younger you, there are so many things that you can do, but do you ever have the time, or the money or the freedom to do it? We are directed to live our lives as our parents or guardians deem fit, we at times are mandated and driven by our parents to fulfill their dreams and passions. Does that not put pressure on youth? because if at times you don't indulge them, you might just be tagged a rebel.

As we grow up, we are busy exploring ourselves our hobbies, our choices but as an elderly we are capable of knowing what we really want and what our path really is. Youth is where we commit maximum mistakes and sometimes suffer harsh repercussions because of it. How does old age become cursed then? Has anyone ever though about it? Is it because of the suffering from various diseases that one suffers from? They exist because of all the choices made during our youth, which is only a blessing because we know not the consequences that our decisions have on old age, but then again, you only live once, right?

I feel that old age is a blessing because you are lucky to have lived to see a fulfilling life. I say that's a blessing!! To see a life completed, that has to mean for something. So, youth or old age, both are a blessing or curse, it's only about how we live our lives and the choices that we make while living it.

Memories!

It's been two months since dad's gone and I still can't believe it. There are days when I think of the past and then again of the future. I cannot seem to live in the presence of this loss. So many of the people we know did not know that dad is no more, partly because I don't want the sympathy of people and be treated with special treatment because a person who gave me life is no more. I do not want it to become a discussion on facebook or seemingly a post to acquire virtual likes and condolences. So, it was tough to answer a lot of the questions when my sister put up a memory post dedicated to dad. I am not being ungrateful to all those who care about us but it's just that I am the most comfortable writing my feelings or sharing them with really close people. I don't want an acquaintance to 'comment' on the post and say a few kind words and then get busy in their own life because for us, life has changed.

Gaining back a sense of normality needs time, even though I may appear to be okay, cheering, laughing and living my life on the outside, there I days when I feel just rotten. I've become over sensitive, I cry at little things. I feel so frustrated because I have to be okay in front of everyone else. I've been mechanically going through dad's things and sorting papers, getting names changed, doing the bank and the policy works and all the while even cursing him sometimes for not making things easy for us, just to find another thing to vent about and then I look at us and realize that a part of our lives is gone. I feel like life has just been a series of spin offs and I am stuck in parallel dimensions, moving across different worlds and trying to hold on to something that will make things okay.

How many situations do I distract myself from? I sometimes feel like a volcano that will either burst or just burn in itself. How much detachment do I have to teach myself? It's not the life I wanted, even though I know this was bound to happen sometime but it's too soon because I feel I haven't even started my own life yet. It's one of the most difficult moment in anyone's life, to cope with the death of a loved one. The silent tsunami of this kind often leaves you devastated. 

Death is the time when the family is brought close together, there is unity in grief. The family support that you get during that time is one of the best coping mechanism because you know that you are not alone. The bereaved family gets involved in all the traditions and customs, you have people around you reminiscing and conversations change from one subject to another, it's just that the presence of one being is felt, that no one can fill.

One Year!