Memories!

It's been two months since dad's gone and I still can't believe it. There are days when I think of the past and then again of the future. I cannot seem to live in the presence of this loss. So many of the people we know did not know that dad is no more, partly because I don't want the sympathy of people and be treated with special treatment because a person who gave me life is no more. I do not want it to become a discussion on facebook or seemingly a post to acquire virtual likes and condolences. So, it was tough to answer a lot of the questions when my sister put up a memory post dedicated to dad. I am not being ungrateful to all those who care about us but it's just that I am the most comfortable writing my feelings or sharing them with really close people. I don't want an acquaintance to 'comment' on the post and say a few kind words and then get busy in their own life because for us, life has changed.

Gaining back a sense of normality needs time, even though I may appear to be okay, cheering, laughing and living my life on the outside, there I days when I feel just rotten. I've become over sensitive, I cry at little things. I feel so frustrated because I have to be okay in front of everyone else. I've been mechanically going through dad's things and sorting papers, getting names changed, doing the bank and the policy works and all the while even cursing him sometimes for not making things easy for us, just to find another thing to vent about and then I look at us and realize that a part of our lives is gone. I feel like life has just been a series of spin offs and I am stuck in parallel dimensions, moving across different worlds and trying to hold on to something that will make things okay.

How many situations do I distract myself from? I sometimes feel like a volcano that will either burst or just burn in itself. How much detachment do I have to teach myself? It's not the life I wanted, even though I know this was bound to happen sometime but it's too soon because I feel I haven't even started my own life yet. It's one of the most difficult moment in anyone's life, to cope with the death of a loved one. The silent tsunami of this kind often leaves you devastated. 

Death is the time when the family is brought close together, there is unity in grief. The family support that you get during that time is one of the best coping mechanism because you know that you are not alone. The bereaved family gets involved in all the traditions and customs, you have people around you reminiscing and conversations change from one subject to another, it's just that the presence of one being is felt, that no one can fill.