Blow Me (One Last Kiss)

Broken Connection!

Sometimes you have to choose yourself. You have to let go of memories and the love you have for another and accept what you deserve. Your love for a person is a powerful thing whether it is returned or not. There are no words that can pacify a broken heart. It’s a curse to feel so deeply when you do. What I have learnt in my life is never to bring a person who truly loves you to a point where they stop caring, and are forced to take certain harsh decisions. When you sit yourself down and introspect, you struggle to find the answers to questions like - How many nights have you cried for them? How many days have you sat waiting for them? How many of your tears mattered to them? How much of your love is valued? How many days and nights you've killed yourself thinking that they are with someone else? Do they even care a little bit? and all you get is a negative response, clearly you know for sure that they don't bother about your feelings and lack an emotional depth when it comes to you because you never mattered to them anyway. You were an object that had or was fulfilling a need in their head and nothing more, not even human. 

How many times you've woken up feeling miserable with swollen eyes? How many days you try hard to forget them? How many days you craved for answers? How many days you had to cope with when you're missing them? How many times did you fake laughs and interest when your head is screaming? How much do you force yourself to erase them? A lot. It takes a lot out of you. You have to harden yourself to a point where it stops affecting you or you become ignorant of it. If you are a sensitive person like me, it takes a lot longer. When you love someone and they end up making you feel guilty for it, what do you do then? Nothing. There is no easy way out. Friction is what kills. No wait, forced friction kills. Dreams are meant to be lived. If you go against the nature of things, it hurts. And the worst kind of people are the stubborn ones. When you can't or don't know the right thing to do, people should just let the other take decisions on their behalf. 

When you fall in love with an asshole (obviously you didn't know they were one, else you wouldn't be here), your whole life is turned upside down. Lies and manipulations are the kind of games that devolve your being. A relationship when is considered a proposition or started for material personal gain  or with any other malicious intent can never survive. A person like that never feels anything for you or is even capable of feeling anything for you except the use that you may have for them. They are not guilty when they are caught, there is no sign of remorse. They don't care how the truth will affect whoever is involved with them. When you really love someone, the mere thought of hurting them kills you first more than it does them, that's the belief I always carried with me. The thought of breaking and violating trust should shatter you but when the intent is to deceive and that's the motive to start a relationship, that says a lot.

A run of good luck will only run so much. One day when all the shams are unveiled, all you see a person who you don't know anymore. So, no if you think he loves you, think again. Just saying it or writing it a million times has no meaning till it's proved in the subtlest ways possible because big actions not necessarily will prove it. Loving a person, the definition of it may differ but misusing someone, derailing them and tormenting them in the name of love is just plain cruelty. The level of your investment that you do in a person however will and never can make you hate them. Ever. That's the saddest part because it's not like you can just divert all of the feelings and the anger you have towards them to hate them. That never happens, no matter how hard you try. You will always care for that person in a weird twisted way because you really love that person. They still get the care from you that they are not deserving of at all. 

When something ends, you end up mourning two people, the one who smashed your heart to bits and the one you love dearly who incidentally are the same people and that's what makes it harder. The side of the person who breaks you, is still easy to get over because you know they are not worth it, you know the truth and you know what was done to you and you most definitely are not deserving of their bullshit but how do you mourn the one you fell in love with? The one who is not even real, the one you trusted, the one you needed, the one you wanted to build something with, the one with whom you have memories, the one you love. The perfect alter-ego of your heart breaker, that’s who you mourn and cry for. So you end up locking away one more part of your soul, one more piece of the heart you have to cut out. This is not how love is supposed to be. Unrequited love is not romantic. There is not even a speck of allure attached to it. It's shitty for the person who faces it and when someone menaces with your feelings and heart with no intention of ever fulfilling it, that hurts like a bitch. Good memories are a curse because they take you down memory trip and make you feel horrible but you cannot do shitty things in the name of love. Love is then just a facade, a fib. 

Learning how to accept reality, things how they really are is a scary thing to do. How for a day or two you panic, you feel lost, suffer massive anxiety attacks, you try to settle back into life like a zombie. You are so numb that physical pain doesn't even hurt because you are so broken. You feel trapped inside your own body and you can't scream because there is no air left in your lungs. You heart just sinks to a level where it is difficult to move an inch. How do you compare your grief with someone else , there are feeling that dim and some fire up. It takes effort to bring about a smile on your face during a time like this. You want to shut out the world and just scream the agony out of your system. It's a task to hide your tears and then you cannot stop crying infront of people who you can cry with. No amount of physical or mental or spiritual solace helps you. To live becomes a task. You have to ground your feelings, mask them. Knowing that you tried your best to handle your heart, prove your love and still end up empty handed is a curse that cripples you for life. But there are some things I still will never do, I will never compromise my morals for the sake of love and definitely never so for fake love. So, decide to take a step back. Love is always a two way street. Be done fighting for one sided love, get it over with. The journey to heal yourself has to begin again. The heart has to heal again. The tears have to be shed again. The soul has to rebuild again.

Only Love Can Hurt Like This!

It's not a crime to fall for a person, it's not right though when they alter everything about them. It's not a wrong decision to let go, it's the right decision to make the right call. A person like this, who abuses love and makes it harder for the other to move on with their lives, is not such a nice person. A person like this will never find real happiness or 'true love', even if they continue to look for it because they will never value it even if it's facing them right in the eye. 

You lose the right to question how another person moves on or how they settle back into their life after you've lied to them, hurt them, manipulated them and used them. You forfeit the right to them or their life, if any. As is the person goes through a living a nightmare every single day and just to feed some over inflated ego, you meddle with their head again. Listening to your instinct is the best thing that you can do for yourself. Listen when something inside you ticks and says 'something is not right'. You may still choose to love them, to care because real feeling don't just vanish. 

What makes a person a lowly person? Have you ever really thought about it. If you hurt a person intentionally, keep tormenting them and when they retaliate suddenly they become the bad person. Are you that cheap a person that you need to demean and make another person feel bad for having real feelings for you (which you abused), finding out the truth (because you lied to them), let go of you (because you don't have the balls to really love, or take things further), means what? You want to live your own life to the fullest, because you refuse the other to live theirs. Do they not have a right to have a chance at a good life? What does this prove? only the fact that when they decided to dump your ass, it was the right decision. Yes, that's what exactly this kind of behaviour proves.

I never was one for stereotypes and I always gave a person a chance or two or three to really show who they are. But what I've learnt in my life now are lessons forged in my core. If a person loves you, you should never have to question it. If they lie to you, they will never be able to face you with the truth. If a person embodies a narrow or a vindictive mindset, uses people, plays with their feelings, they will always remain boxed in the head that shows their small mindset, their mentality. It shows where they really come from. A person who isn't capable of listening to his own conscience ( if he has one that is), will always make you question your beliefs, your worth and your love. Falling for someone's betrayal is worse than falling for them. So, no need to tell them what you think and or what you feel because when was it ever valued when you did anyway. What you can tell them, is to fuck off. That they don't deserve anything from you anymore. Whatever they got from you, they should consider themselves lucky because this was a one time love, one kind of love, genuine and pure to the core. One that they will never ever be worthy of again.

What used to hurt me the most was when my love was questioned by someone who I loved. That someone who now I know is truly incapable of loving another human being but himself. I will not compromise my love, my morals for someone who didn't even have the decency to be upfront about the truth and more over couldn't even stay true to their feelings for more than 6 months, another proof of their so called "love". No, I don't deserve a love like that. That's not even love. They will never ever experience 'true love'. That's just a rotten heart and mind trying to squeeze every bit of goodness from you to cater to their own fuel. If every single tear you cried for them gave them happiness and their eyes showed no remorse, run like hell my dear. It's not meant for you. I mean, if this is the way you treat a person who really gave a fuck about you, isn't it better that you let them go!

You should want that old school love. You should want the kind of love which did what it promised. You should want the kind of love that makes you deliriously happy. The one which burns a hole in your soul, you know the good kind of burn. The kind of love that you trust enough to know that when you fall, it will always be there to catch you or buffer your fall. The kind of love where people died for each other. The kind of love that knows how precious your tears are and will never let them drench you. The kind of love when you read about it, you want to live it. Old school love meant loving the person without any dirty games, treating them with respect and grandeur. It is the kind of love that is based on mutual trust and honesty. That's the kind of old school love you know will hold your hand when you need it the most. Even though we might find different ways to meet but love shouldn't be digitalised. That's the kind of love you should hold out for. Not the one who will berate your love over and over and then dump the guilt on you when you decide to let go. Not the one who lies to you day in and out and does not even have the courage to face you. Not the love who wants you on the side, as a treat, while enjoying a full life of his own, creating a new family. This kind of love does not even deserve a minute of your being or of your precious love. No matter what they perceive it like, it's not love, it's their convenience. But, most of all what you really hate and cannot overcome is the fact that they were the ones who did this to you. The one that you really loved. Like it wasn't easy enough to let them go knowing that you love them and cannot have them but then you are faced with the truth. No one knows what you are going through and what you are doing to steady yourself and taking all the anger within you and yet, sad as it is, still carrying a torch for them. Life doesn't prepare you for this. That's why you need vintage love. At least that either dies with you and you don't end up the one suffering alone.

Proving that you love a person takes a lot more than just convenient words that are easy to fool someone. Because when you love a person, you really love them and mean it. I know what love is and what version of love was never true. If he made you feel like you're not enough, did all the things that would hurt you, makes you lose yourself by making you believe in love again, look away. No matter how long you took it, all the hurt even though you knew you were deserving of none of it, let it go. No one should make you responsible for hurting another, the guilt for being a reason of distress in somebody else's life. What good does it bring? They are not the one because they never belonged to you anyway. The truth always comes to light. You never thought they were the bad guy. Like Taylor Swift says, that it's not that bad guys come wearing a mask or a black cape, they are the ones that make you heart tremble. 

There comes a time when you see things with clarity, how every dark feeling they ever gave you, how you never really mattered, how it was okay for them to hurt you. You fight for something real and finally when you see how futile it is that's when you decide to let it go, and that is the exact time they just wouldn't leave. That's when you need your wear your armour and battle it out. If they won't fight for your heart, you should. You deserve a love that celebrates the life of both who are involved. You want to breathe and not have this bad experience yet again change who you are. You've taken years to rebuild yourself and promise yourself that nothing will ever break you again. The facade will fade. The memories will hurt, the wounds will beg to heal. You will reach for yourself and you will want a heart that can fully love, one that doesn't justify hurting others. Know that you cannot fix someone who you never broke. You cannot make someone love you. You need someone who will fight like hell for you no matter what, who will try no matter what. Till then you learn the biggest lesson of all is to love yourself. So, walk away with your head held high.

Image Courtesy Instagram

Incredulity!

I never berated how you felt,

I never made you feel small,

I never made you feel like the devil,

I never even could imagine that. 

But here you are, hurting me all over,

Breaking my broken spirit further,

You made your love a façade,

Proved to me that I was right to walk out. 

The love I had for you was real,

You were the one, who made it disappear,

I suffered the hurt you gave me,

Never did I suspect you will be the death of me,

You have everything that you need,

I just need a chance to live my dream,

So, let these eyes see who you really are,
Maybe that will stop my heart from loving you after all.

Image Courtesy Twin_Flames

Diabolical

Some songs, like this one posted above, are pure evil. It's funny how whatever you feel, whatever you're going through can be summed up in a song in just 3:48 minutes. All the memories flash in front of your eyes in a couple of minutes. It's like one morning when you decide against odds you will make sure you feel better, the playlist catches you off guard and boom we are back to square one. 

Life cycle of my love life never really stays in one phase. Once finished and I was hoping beyond hope for the next one to not run its course in a similar way but I guess phase by phase I get to relive it again. Letting go of your love is not easy, especially when you have real feelings for a person. The flood of memories when you listen to a song that you connect to at a deeper level is like mass murder but just of one person, so every cell in your body is mascaraed once again. 

We secretly hope no matter how old we get for someday to live a fairly tale, to be an exception, to feature in our own movie with a happy ending, till its time again to let another dream go. You are supposed to sweep the shards of this broken dream under the rug of your past and move forward. You have to deal with the pain of loving someone who will never be yours and you end up taking away every chance that you might ever give them because whenever you have, they've always blown it. That is the reality that you have to live with. So, you lock away your deepest feelings knowing that they would never see the light of day because just like the sunshine they will always be taken for granted.

Terminator!

I'm a killer,

I killed my heart,

I killed my love,

I buried them deep underground.

Each day is a misery,

Till the time you survive this catastrophe,

It’s a murderous night tonight,

Every day you kill a little of you inside.

Dragged my soul down the docks,

Drowned it in the ocean of sorrow,

Helped it sink into the abyss,
Till there is no hope of tomorrow.

I'm a killer,

I killed my heart,

Didn’t hear it pleading,

Decimated it with one swift blow to end its misery.

Image Courtesy Google

Whiplash!

The heart still aches. It still breaks. Every memory is like a harsh attack on the heart. Each scar that is left, still pricks. Each word, each thought, each touch, and each dream. It hurts. Places should never remind you of people you are trying to forget. It's a blood bath for the soul. 

Breaking a connection is harder than it seems. It's like you're cutting a thick cord attached firmly to your core, slowly and it just keeps bleeding, breaking away slowly, dripping and waiting to weaken. Why is it that we connect with someone only to lose them or break the connect? What's the point of such connections? They change you for what? The pain you suffer is for what? You dream of a world where you want things to go as per your fancy. You think of it as your happy world and I guess that's why it hurts more. The life you dreamed of, the memories - good or bad, the mere presence of them even if they are not within reach, it all hurts so much. When you're burdened by everything that has happened in your life, you seek just one shoulder to rest your head on but you know that that's the only shoulder you can never ever lean on, that's what becomes the death of you.