Broken Connection!

Sometimes you have to choose yourself. You have to let go of memories and the love you have for another and accept what you deserve. Your love for a person is a powerful thing whether it is returned or not. There are no words that can pacify a broken heart. It’s a curse to feel so deeply when you do. What I have learnt in my life is never to bring a person who truly loves you to a point where they stop caring, and are forced to take certain harsh decisions. When you sit yourself down and introspect, you struggle to find the answers to questions like - How many nights have you cried for them? How many days have you sat waiting for them? How many of your tears mattered to them? How much of your love is valued? How many days and nights you've killed yourself thinking that they are with someone else? Do they even care a little bit? and all you get is a negative response, clearly you know for sure that they don't bother about your feelings and lack an emotional depth when it comes to you because you never mattered to them anyway. You were an object that had or was fulfilling a need in their head and nothing more, not even human. 

How many times you've woken up feeling miserable with swollen eyes? How many days you try hard to forget them? How many days you craved for answers? How many days you had to cope with when you're missing them? How many times did you fake laughs and interest when your head is screaming? How much do you force yourself to erase them? A lot. It takes a lot out of you. You have to harden yourself to a point where it stops affecting you or you become ignorant of it. If you are a sensitive person like me, it takes a lot longer. When you love someone and they end up making you feel guilty for it, what do you do then? Nothing. There is no easy way out. Friction is what kills. No wait, forced friction kills. Dreams are meant to be lived. If you go against the nature of things, it hurts. And the worst kind of people are the stubborn ones. When you can't or don't know the right thing to do, people should just let the other take decisions on their behalf. 

When you fall in love with an asshole (obviously you didn't know they were one, else you wouldn't be here), your whole life is turned upside down. Lies and manipulations are the kind of games that devolve your being. A relationship when is considered a proposition or started for material personal gain  or with any other malicious intent can never survive. A person like that never feels anything for you or is even capable of feeling anything for you except the use that you may have for them. They are not guilty when they are caught, there is no sign of remorse. They don't care how the truth will affect whoever is involved with them. When you really love someone, the mere thought of hurting them kills you first more than it does them, that's the belief I always carried with me. The thought of breaking and violating trust should shatter you but when the intent is to deceive and that's the motive to start a relationship, that says a lot.

A run of good luck will only run so much. One day when all the shams are unveiled, all you see a person who you don't know anymore. So, no if you think he loves you, think again. Just saying it or writing it a million times has no meaning till it's proved in the subtlest ways possible because big actions not necessarily will prove it. Loving a person, the definition of it may differ but misusing someone, derailing them and tormenting them in the name of love is just plain cruelty. The level of your investment that you do in a person however will and never can make you hate them. Ever. That's the saddest part because it's not like you can just divert all of the feelings and the anger you have towards them to hate them. That never happens, no matter how hard you try. You will always care for that person in a weird twisted way because you really love that person. They still get the care from you that they are not deserving of at all. 

When something ends, you end up mourning two people, the one who smashed your heart to bits and the one you love dearly who incidentally are the same people and that's what makes it harder. The side of the person who breaks you, is still easy to get over because you know they are not worth it, you know the truth and you know what was done to you and you most definitely are not deserving of their bullshit but how do you mourn the one you fell in love with? The one who is not even real, the one you trusted, the one you needed, the one you wanted to build something with, the one with whom you have memories, the one you love. The perfect alter-ego of your heart breaker, that’s who you mourn and cry for. So you end up locking away one more part of your soul, one more piece of the heart you have to cut out. This is not how love is supposed to be. Unrequited love is not romantic. There is not even a speck of allure attached to it. It's shitty for the person who faces it and when someone menaces with your feelings and heart with no intention of ever fulfilling it, that hurts like a bitch. Good memories are a curse because they take you down memory trip and make you feel horrible but you cannot do shitty things in the name of love. Love is then just a facade, a fib. 

Learning how to accept reality, things how they really are is a scary thing to do. How for a day or two you panic, you feel lost, suffer massive anxiety attacks, you try to settle back into life like a zombie. You are so numb that physical pain doesn't even hurt because you are so broken. You feel trapped inside your own body and you can't scream because there is no air left in your lungs. You heart just sinks to a level where it is difficult to move an inch. How do you compare your grief with someone else , there are feeling that dim and some fire up. It takes effort to bring about a smile on your face during a time like this. You want to shut out the world and just scream the agony out of your system. It's a task to hide your tears and then you cannot stop crying infront of people who you can cry with. No amount of physical or mental or spiritual solace helps you. To live becomes a task. You have to ground your feelings, mask them. Knowing that you tried your best to handle your heart, prove your love and still end up empty handed is a curse that cripples you for life. But there are some things I still will never do, I will never compromise my morals for the sake of love and definitely never so for fake love. So, decide to take a step back. Love is always a two way street. Be done fighting for one sided love, get it over with. The journey to heal yourself has to begin again. The heart has to heal again. The tears have to be shed again. The soul has to rebuild again.