I sat down today with a bottle of whiskey and drowned my thoughts in it. Candle's lit. Hands ready to type. Gearing up to write, and of all the emotions that urge you to write, pain and love motivate you more than anything. More than two hours of staring at the blinking cursor, I thought I should give up. Then panic sets in because your mind chokes, your fingers pause and there is this immense swell of emotion in your heart, that is overwhelming, it feels like you cannot breathe, and you want to run. You need to be out, you need air to breathe. As I sat with my glass of neat whiskey under the colossal blanket of universe, I gazed on to the dark skies and negotiated a little with the stars for inspiration. I said to them, "You and I, need to make an arrangement". It's funny though that inspiration does come to you when you least expect it. I've been undergoing a writers block because my mind becomes cloudy and turbulent, I cannot write anything other than pouring my heart out because that's what I know, that's how I deal. It isn't easy to recover from a battle with your heart and mind. The soul is like the filling that is sandwiched in between two rocks. When something inspires me now, I lose the thought along the day as I don't have a paper and pen or my phone on me 24X7.
So, here I sit, beneath the open sky and I wonder. You know it's indescribable, the feeling when your heart is fluttering between erasing your love and adjusting to being without it. You don't know how to be in the moment when your heart feels empty. This does take a while to get used to. Erasing that part of you, the way you felt, is what the heart wants to hold on to. It's like you watch from a distance when a memory turns to a scar, slowly. That's an experience that alters the way you let your heart feel free ever again. You watch yourself transform from a person who was free of baggage for a while, who took a chance, felt love, got hurt and then to a person who stretches and pulls herself to forget everything in between and then again to get back to the person who is free from holding onto her baggage. Tough journey, not for people who don't have a conscience because, or lack empathy.
It's easy to trip and fall back sometimes, I won't deny that, and it's so hard to manoeuvre your heart into releasing all that load of feelings in one go. The heaviness of it alone is enough to kill you without any additional verbal and emotional abuse from the person you care about. Knowing that you were so close to getting a chance at togetherness finally and then watching it fly out of your hands is a game changer. It's like you are starving and you get a whiff of nourishment or just a taste of it. So, you wait till the time that everything, every memory becomes numb. Convincing yourself that all the things you did for a person or all the shit you took because you thought that somewhere maybe there was a 1% chance that the other cared and then knowing the fact that you got played a 100% percent is a 360 degree turn and unbelievable math that I can't even twist my head around. The things we do for that 1% hope. That's the hardest to get over.
It's like when your favourite TV show finishes. It's almost like a heart break all over again, right. You love it and it's no longer there. All the possibilities, all the laughs, the cries and the moments you cherished and the memories that you have made during the entire run of a season are all gone. You may look back at them and rejoice or be sad but the anticipation of it coming again seems so slim. It has been with you for long, been a part of you, you quote it, you relate to it, you share anecdotes from it, you have your favourite moments, you have your favourite characters and then one day it ends. It pretty much leaves you with some closure of all the loose ends that are tied but still it ends. Season per season it changes, you grow together but then you also see the same actors as different characters with their roles predefined to play another part in another story. Sometimes you watch that story seeing hoping for a connect there but then sometimes you just want to remember them. So, even if your favourite character stars in some other story, you tend to keep them fresh in your memory so that one day when its not painful enough, you can look back and watch it again and reconnect on some level. That's exactly what a heart does too when it ends one season. All of it, in our lives our hearts are broken so many times and in so many ways and yet we still call it fragile. I haven't seen a more sturdier thing in decades. That's our hearts. Worn down, over and over till one day it stops. So, keep watching till that day because even though it hurts and there are nights when there is no sound and the thud of your heart is so loud that it's the only thing you hear, tears are then worthwhile.
At midnight now as I sit here, talking to the stars, I realise that I may write whatever I write but I write best when I write from my heart.
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