"So much of what we learn about love is taught by people who never really loved us." ~ R.H. Sin
I don't know what love is, apart from it being a roller-coaster yet I have read about the beauty of love and believe in it even when all I've experienced is pain. Such contradictory views I have of love now that I dream of the kind of love we all read about, but I'm afraid now of the pain that comes with it. Resolutions are a hard thing to follow through, especially when they propel you towards change. One of my resolutions this year is to heal my soul and forgive the people who I entrusted my heart to and who broke that trust and my mistreated my love ruthlessly. Some days are hard, very hard to get through. So you push yourself to not feel so low. You go out and pamper yourself silly. You force yourself to not remember all that was done to you so don't end up remembering the past and overthink. 
Forgiving someone who has hurt you takes a lot of courage and a lot of perseverance. You have to manage the hurt, the anger, the betrayal and accept it all along with so many other feelings and a whole lot in one go. It's hard enough to suffer one blow and then you get hammered again just when you're about to stand back up. Your strength may shatter during times like these. This wretched feeling in the heart and the pit of your stomach takes over. You feel nauseous and the whole world starts spinning. It's such a disappointment to the heart and the soul that you feel that you’ve hit rock-bottom which is not even in this universe.
Even though heartbreaks are a part of life, it’s tough to get over the fact that someone has played your kindness and took advantage of your good nature and good heart or broken the immense trust you bestowed upon them. The fact that they exploit you because they know you care for them is the hardest to get over. People come and go, that's the natural order of life but it hurts when you cannot come to terms with how you did not see signs that were visibly there. Sure, the most common response to this is - "love is blind" and it is true to some extent as well. Although, when you are faced with reality and you go back and remember all the conversations you had with the person over the time you finally figure out all the times you were played, that is what angers you the most and surprisingly not towards the other but towards yourself for being such a fool. When you look back, you realize and remember all the times that you should have let go and you didn't because you listened to your heart instead of your mind. How much can you cry for a person who doesn't even care for you? Never challenge yourself that. You have let go but the damn hope never lets you go. You hold on to one thread of hope till that snaps or you decide that you have to break it yourself.
Two people I’ve really loved from my core, were the ones who ended up hurting me the most. Funny thing is that you never really stop loving someone. You learn to live with their absence or presence and you learn to coexist. The way someone treats you says a lot about them, their integrity. The way they made you feel initially goes for a toss. Always observe how a person reacts when they are angry or faced with a difficult situation. That's the true nature of the person. A fighter, a quitter or a coward. How they leave you in their last moments with you, that's all you remember for life. It stays with you, it transforms how you see them. Because everything else can be faked but actions always speak louder.
Person 1 - He was my first love and that is always something special and will remain so. No one can change that. It's your first experience of everything, of love, making love, fights, makeups and heartache. It defines the definition of love and relationship for you. Things did not happen the way I hoped they would but now I know that it was a good thing. I said what I wanted to say to him and got things off my chest. The only regret I have when it comes to him was that he should have fought for 'us' a little more. After devoting 5 years of my life, I deserved that at least, even if it was not meant to be. It would have at least left me with some respect for him. This is the only thing I needed to let go of. 5 years or a even a year for that matter of giving yourself to someone, you expect this. It always helps a little knowing that at least I fought for my love till the end. I made efforts that were needed from my end. I have no complaints from me now, no regrets. It's easier to forgive myself and not look back at this with bad memories. I've made my peace with him, forgiven him and forgotten. I'm neither sad nor bothered by him anymore. Even though he will always be a part of me, it just doesn't hurt anymore. It's evolved into an experience.
Person 2- Honestly, I got tired of fighting this battle second time around. I thought I was smarter but I was just as naive as before, even more so because at least person 1 never lied to me about himself. This person made me question humanity but I guess that's what love does to you, it makes you dumb but you have to be cautious of your heart (lesson learned - check). I've learnt that people will take advantage of a good heart. I gave myself another chance to love someone, after denying myself a lot of opportunities because I wanted to be over Person 1 completely. The connect was so strong, the pull was so magnetic or so maybe only I felt it apparently because the intent of the other party was very different. He came across as all the things I wanted and needed in a person I thought I'd be lucky to love and be with someone like him on account of him being (key word- pretending) to be a good, loyal, devoted and an honest man, he laid the trap and I fell. I am the kind of person who will fight to my death for my love but only if it's a clear effort from both ends and if it is real. Turns out he is just a liar and a cheat who doesn't even have his individual personality, he pretended to be that person I fell for really bad, constructed him from all the information I gave out intentionally or unintentionally, matched my likes and dislikes, totally changed to fit into my needs of a person. Hell, he lied to my face, even when he sat right across me and looked me in the eye and kept fabricating his sordid story. I kept taking all the disrespect for a long time because it was him, the guy I really loved, even though he did all the things that he knew will hurt me to the core. I think that's what people like me do (big mistake), keep giving chances till they piss me off real bad. You cannot keep tormenting a person in the name of love, when you know they really care and will be willing to let you in themselves. It became quite obvious over the time that my feelings never mattered to him, he never really cared even a little bit because if he did, his conscience never would have allowed him to hurt me the way he did, over and over. He just wanted to while away his time with me before he moved on to the next addiction. It's very easy to cry out loud that you'll fight for someone or write it in words because in reality you know that you will not, you can't because you don't have the balls to. Forget the expectation of love, respect or care from him, I wasn't even worthy of the truth for him while he was busy creating a family. So, I finally took the decision to let go because I wanted my sanity and my dignity. Even though I want answers of so many 'why's?', maybe somewhere deep down I still do but I know now that they will just be convenient lies again. He gave me no place in his life or heart and instead took a lot of space in mine. I was in agony and he kept weaving traps of words. He became a part of my life and I was just another easy escape for him. I needed to move on from this and I needed my innocence back. I needed to get fine for me. This will take time I guess, plus a LOT of hard work. Sometimes, you have to make an informed decision to not keep making effort and sever all ties and just walk away because you have to choose your battles. No one will ever know how much of will a step like this demands, when you decide to walk away from the person you love, from the reality that they played you, from the fact that all your dreams stand broken, your heart and trust shattered, from the fact that you don't have any right over them, from the fact that you have to deal with this for a long time to come. If this is not courage, I don't know what is. If a person isn’t loyal, is there even a point in believing in a love like that? He will always keep searching for something different and you will never be valued no matter how much you do, no matter how many times you tell them or no matter how much you wish it. Even though the sound of his name still makes my heart beat faster at times and my eyes tear up sometimes but I still have to teach myself to let go because he was never mine to begin with. I want a man and not a wuss. No human should go through such an emotional abuse and betrayal. I was done fighting a conflict with my value system irrespective of how I feel about him. I need to forgive but NEVER forget what was done to me, EVER because no matter what said and done a person rarely ever changes his innate nature. Just let Karma (if there is a thing or so I'm told) deal with it, because I have done all that I can, I have given all that I can.
Anyway, I’ve tried a lot of things in my lifetime to move on and let go but I needed something solid this time and so I turned to old school solutions. I read about this fire ritual that people have been doing since long and it is particularly (how should I put it) LIBERATING. I’ve written and done a lot of research on Karmic Relationships and have become a firm believer of the concept. The transition from the relationship onslaught to a place of healing is a tough journey. The scientific as well as the atheist community often ridicules a lot of these rituals but trust you me, they work.
The ritual is pretty simple actually. Some may call it meaningless but trust me it is a powerful tool that will help you transition into the next phase of letting go and welcome a fresh start in your life. It helps you to accept the grief and acknowledge the reality. It helps heal all the deep-seated wounds and move to a place in your mind where you learn to not exist but really live your life. Consider this a brand new openings in your life.
The thing about fire is that it burns the obsolete, helps get rid of the pain and paves way for you to be born again. It's one of the best ways I think to cleanse yourself. The following things need to be done. Choose an apt spot maybe a beach or an open space, whatever calls to you. Then, you need something personal of the love you want to let go, I suggest you take a picture or anything personal of the person you want to move past because it's easier to talk to a picture. Start by choosing a comfortable spot and let your emotions flow. Say a prayer of protection to help surround you and protect you. Practice grounding exercise - it's a way to connect ourselves with Earth. The way to do it is pretty simple. Sit on the beach bare foot and imagine that the bottom of your feet are growing roots deep into the core of the earth, past the sand, the rocks, the layers reaching down to the molten center. When you connect with the core and pray for negativity to leave your body, you can actually feel connected to nature. Say what you what to the picture, say whatever you wanted to say to them or whatever is in your heart, say it all, don't shy away and burn the picture till it turns to ash. Repeat if you have to. Say a prayer of release, ask for the connect to be burned away by the flames, forgive and make your peace with letting go of whatever love or connect you have with this another soul. Thank the universe for the lessons learned and once the ashes disintegrate, return the ashes to the sea or bury them (if you are not next to a beach). Ask to be cured of the pain (this will take time as you need to work through the cycle of grief completely), but focus on healing yourself.
Anyway, I’ve tried a lot of things in my lifetime to move on and let go but I needed something solid this time and so I turned to old school solutions. I read about this fire ritual that people have been doing since long and it is particularly (how should I put it) LIBERATING. I’ve written and done a lot of research on Karmic Relationships and have become a firm believer of the concept. The transition from the relationship onslaught to a place of healing is a tough journey. The scientific as well as the atheist community often ridicules a lot of these rituals but trust you me, they work.
The ritual is pretty simple actually. Some may call it meaningless but trust me it is a powerful tool that will help you transition into the next phase of letting go and welcome a fresh start in your life. It helps you to accept the grief and acknowledge the reality. It helps heal all the deep-seated wounds and move to a place in your mind where you learn to not exist but really live your life. Consider this a brand new openings in your life.
The thing about fire is that it burns the obsolete, helps get rid of the pain and paves way for you to be born again. It's one of the best ways I think to cleanse yourself. The following things need to be done. Choose an apt spot maybe a beach or an open space, whatever calls to you. Then, you need something personal of the love you want to let go, I suggest you take a picture or anything personal of the person you want to move past because it's easier to talk to a picture. Start by choosing a comfortable spot and let your emotions flow. Say a prayer of protection to help surround you and protect you. Practice grounding exercise - it's a way to connect ourselves with Earth. The way to do it is pretty simple. Sit on the beach bare foot and imagine that the bottom of your feet are growing roots deep into the core of the earth, past the sand, the rocks, the layers reaching down to the molten center. When you connect with the core and pray for negativity to leave your body, you can actually feel connected to nature. Say what you what to the picture, say whatever you wanted to say to them or whatever is in your heart, say it all, don't shy away and burn the picture till it turns to ash. Repeat if you have to. Say a prayer of release, ask for the connect to be burned away by the flames, forgive and make your peace with letting go of whatever love or connect you have with this another soul. Thank the universe for the lessons learned and once the ashes disintegrate, return the ashes to the sea or bury them (if you are not next to a beach). Ask to be cured of the pain (this will take time as you need to work through the cycle of grief completely), but focus on healing yourself.
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Even though I'm still working my way through the grief cycle and I need to cope with my life once more. Trying hard to dust off the bad times but I need to move on because I deserve better. There is no point reliving a dead love. So, I'll let tears cleanse my system again. I need things to reach an absolute end if I have to move on to the next chapter in my life. I need to burn away memories, for them to join the ocean and settle at the depth. There are no more words that need to be spoken, there is no scope for hope. The love have run its course I guess. I can't and won't hate them because I did really love them. That will never change. I just need to make my peace with it and move on. Even though it might take a lifetime to remove traces of people I've loved from my heart and mind, I'll take my chance at life. I'll continue to see the good in life, no matter how much hurt it has given me. Since they didn't even value the love I had for them and gave them, I realize now that my anger won't make any difference either. So, I forgive them even though I know they don't deserve it!
Shalom!
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