What 2017 has taught me!

“It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.” – William Thomas

There are so many things that I already have learnt over the years which really not many people of my age have. There have been struggles, wins and very difficult situations which thankfully they have gone by with a little ease. Time, has been kind that way. But there are things that I need to learn really. Another year precariously gone by and sometimes I feel I'm right where I started. I'm still trying to get back life to the way it was. I know how people are, my observation have gotten better. I feel more insightful of my life and that of others. Every year is a lesson too. Here goes what I have learned.

• I've learnt to be ignorant and stoic, or at least I'm learning and even though it may come in handy at times, it's making me a little hardcore. This makes me sad as I'm writing it because I'm changing who I am because being me has caused me more pain. 
• I know that life is not predictable but people are. 
• I've learnt that people will always surprise you, even though they might not do it intentionally or otherwise. 
• I've learnt that people will fake sadness to get sympathy and play people.
• I've learnt that ethics and morality are rather rare. 
• I've learnt that people show off to make others jealous and make their empty lives fulfilling.
• I've learnt that people who keep their lives too private have something to hide. 
• I know now that you can make the best of friends at any age and that sometimes even though the actions and decisions taken by them are wrong, the choice is theirs and you have to support it. 
• I've learnt the value of that one ear that hears your cries and that one hand that wipes your tears.
• I've learnt that one has to live with whatever consequences of ones actions are, and that will always leave a mark.

Now, for the part that I need to learn since my life will constantly be full of chaos and I need to learn to survive in it. I need to learn that people will continue to do what they want irrespective of your feelings and so I need to learn to live with the pain. It has to become an integral part of my being now, because believe it or not that's how my destiny is.

Writing all of the above, I still think I learnt nothing!

                        

Tumult!

Ocean is a beast, one that I run to when I need some peace. 

How many times I've written about the ocean, but I don't tire of it. It's like the ocean is my very own Guru, guiding me to the answers that I seek. Each wave that comes to me, speaks to me to go with the flow, every tide that turns shows me how to change paths, every morsel of sand that I hold in my palm shows me that nothing stays with you ever. Ocean is life, ocean is my tears gathered together, ocean is my heart in turmoil. 

Work, Work!

This work is getting crazy and I love it. How my day goes away its insane and I like that distraction. I rarely get the time to think about him now. I don't think of dad too. Which is very good, because I'm done crying, I'm done literally trying so hard to distract myself. I need this stress, I need it to prove to myself that I can make it out of this ditch. It's good to be doing something productive and thinking outside the box and knowing that I am working myself hard for something and getting returns of the same. 

They say that hard-work has no substitute, but what I've realised out of my ten years worth of experience is that people get away with a lot even when they don't work hard. For work well done, you need to have vision to see what results you are seeking. I respect people who have work ethic, for something in your life this big, which fetches you your livelihood, you need to show some respect. I take a lot of pride in the work that I do and it hurts me to the core, when someone disrespects the work that I do. 

Weed-O-Weed

Smoked up for the first time! Hey, I'm no longer a smoke-up virgin, hurrah! People say that drugs make you forget, they help numb your feelings. It's amazing how I manage to wake up and pretty much try to live a good life. I have to reach so deep into myself to get myself to face every single challenge that life throws at me.

So, I asked this friend (who has a massive thing for me btw) to get me to try some. He always somehow manages to get me what I want. Even though my sister keeps telling me that I should give him a chance but that's another post for another day. Anyway, guess what, NOTHING HAPPENED. I mean like all first times, this wasn't that great either. Maybe it should be done continuously or in differing dosage, I mean who knows, just that it gave me no high, so that was a bummer!!

I've read up on weed and its effects on the body. Apparently, there isn't clear science on how weed affects human body. I've seen people do some crazy shit after smokin up but the problem is that I only like to get intoxicated to a level till I have my senses buzzed but not when I'm puking all over the place. Anyway, one more box checked, more boxes to look into.

Practice!

When you begin the journey to unloving someone, you realize that you can't stay stuck on that person forever when he's busy living his life. So, actively taking an interest in your own starts out as a project till the time to get back your groove. Okay, so you still remember every little detail (that will take time), he still crosses your mind every single day, but hey, how long can you be stuck on a person who doesn't even give a shit in the first place. 

So much effort goes into forgetting love versus how easy it is at times to fall for a person. The best things however, that one can do is focus on the facts. If you love him, will you fight for him? Will you stop seeing reality and still be for him? Will you forget how badly he treats you and yet stay with him? Will you gulp down when he wants other women and not you? Will you still love him after you know all of this?

I don't fall in love easy, so when I do, I really fall. Moreover, when you've been jaded a couple of times you take time to fall. You deny yourself the opportunity to fall for anyone who shows interest in you. Post my failure at love again, I tried hard so hard to move on, you know how they say if you can't get over them, get under someone else. Well, that doesn't work and I ended up ruining a lot many friendships in the process. This awkward phase might run out and hopefully I might connect with those people sometime but I feel bad when they cannot get past me not being on the equal level of readiness as them. 

This is when I realised how important it is to come out of a relationship completely. It took me five years last time because the denial period was freaking never ending but it got easier, the second time around I was able to get my focus back early but at what costs, only I know that. So, hopefully the next time around, I might actually for a change get to feel real love. Who knows, maybe it survives a lifetime. That's the hope!

Heartless!

"Too much has happened between us for us to ever happen. I don't want another chance in another lifetime or this knowing that you will hurt me." This is the only thing I want to tell him. The words weigh so heavy on my soul. They pull my heart under the burden of melancholy. 

It's amazing how people are capable of hurting another person who genuinely cared for them. The simple world is selfish. So many times have we heard it and yet we are here reading and writing stories of how our heart was broken. But think this, how many stories are we going to write or read to make us really stop hurting another. Aren't there so many already to set precedence to the fact that we shouldn't be breaking or rather treating someone's heart like it doesn't matter.

If power or money corrupts a person so, that they think its okay even in passing that it's fine to play with hearts, I don't want to be associated with either. When I look back, and think about him, I just think about one thing. Knowing his agenda and plans I still want to understand how can anyone be so cruel towards someone who loved him. To be merry and live a content life while causing pain and knowing the extent of the pain given. I cannot forget the smile on his face that I saw when I was crying in agony. How even a single tear, didn't matter to him. That is his memory that will always remain within me.

Egress!

I walked away, knowing it wasn’t my place to be,

Held my heart in pain, knowing it wasn’t my place to bleed. 

The soul that once sang to me,

I thought it was only for me,

Till I heard the claps of me,

Everyone thinking it was them you sung for and not me. 

I walked away, knowing it wasn’t my place to be,

Held my heart in pain, knowing it wasn’t my place to bleed. 

I bid my goodbyes, 

So silently that you couldn’t even hear,

I hid my tears, 

So you wouldn’t see them and leer. 

I walked away, knowing it wasn’t my place to be,

Held my heart in pain, knowing it wasn’t my place to bleed. 

Not waiting in a line to be loved by you,

Picking up the pieces of my heart broken by you,

Disappearing in the shadows of the night,

Couldn’t watch you proclaim your love to everyone but be mine. 

I walked away, knowing it wasn’t my place to be,

Held my heart in pain, knowing it wasn’t my place to bleed. 

Image courtsey @illustrats 

Harmonize!

I cannot explain this feeling. This fleeting feeling which was angst and envy the minute you see your love give attention to one, two or no wait,  about a gazillion girls. You don't think rationally during that time, you think maybe something is wrong with me, even though there isn't any, but that's another tactic people (men and women) use. It's classic!!!! It breaks your heart and it literally puts you on edge and having faced it, I know I never want to feel that again. The point of falling in love with a person is that you love THAT person for whoever they are and vice versa. It shouldn't be that you have to feel your heart breaking when you see them flirting with another or when you see them with another talking of love like you never mattered. No, it isn't a great feeling! The fact that you know you were, rather your heart was used and abused, nope, not a great feeling at all. I mean, why would you ever want to feel that way again! 

Then, there comes one day, when you start to empathize with those other women. Even though you detest the fact that you were one of so many puppets, the realization of which hurts like a bitch by the way, but then again you begin to see them as a person, who like you, fell for him.  You understand what they feel like and feel sad because you know their fate. But exceptions are always there, sometimes people are not genuine on either side. But still it's not a great feeling that you keep your heart on hold for someone who uses hearts like tissues. However, like they say, everything teaches you a lesson in life, you learn to avoid such people and situations that may hurt you. You accept the current circumstances and you try to move on. You use all your might. You try to expend all the love you have for a person and wish for it at times to let it go. Even though this other little part of you still loves him - or that version of him that you once believed was real, there is nothing you can do about it, till you just get to live with it. And knowing that that's the part of him he's parading around now, hurts a little - so it's like you're mourning "that version" of him all over again. So, take this feeling to heart whenever you feel sad or irritated, works like a charm, understand that this too will make you immune. You will begin to understand, you will begin to break free. And just then you know that  you have to let them do whatever or whoever they want because they sure as hell are missing out on you. Know that they actually make it easier for you because you see them doing this stuff.

The Fuck!

WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE WANT?

This is insane, that's it, this is insane! This need to torment someone is so selfish. I knew he will act this way, this is exactly how he is. He uses women, he abuses love. I know we can't ever and yet he comes back every time to haunt me. How much of my strength has gone into ignoring him and getting over him, only I know. He has a life, he has a partner, he has ample sluts and yet he chooses to target me. I mean go, fuck the world, who cares. After he has made contact with all the women before me, purposely made clear that it's him (not that I needed that confirmation), he did it. He touched me again. 

After everything that he did, he dared to come back. And even if he did as a freaking option when none of the others are working out. I'm sorry he should have realised by now that I'm not the girl who likes to be treated as an option. I ain't in the running to be a side chick. I will never keep myself in that position. 

If he is expecting an apology, he better not. Did he apologize to me when he lied to me, when he used me, when he tormented me, when broke my heart, DID HE? Does he expect that I will ever apologize? He has a good life, he has access to whatever shit he wants but he still chooses to harass me. Maybe, I'm not even the target, maybe he is trying the same torture on someone else. But I will NOT be a pawn in his game. I am done, I loved him with all my heart and got betrayed instead. This is never going to happen. He has to go, even though tiny part of my still cares for him, but he has to go.

Vacate!

I wake up each day,

Refusing my heart,

It holds on to you,

While I keep ripping it apart.

My heart wrings for you,

How it sweeps and yearns to tell you,

I feel the want to clutch you tight,

To know that things might never feel right.

I pray and pray for some peace,

To forget you and flee,

Tonight and every night,

Yet I lie bleeding and screaming fright.

For The Love!

“People who love to eat are always the best people.” – Julia Child

I love Sunday brunches with friends. Sunday has that vibe, you know, the one where it's all about happiness that you share and of that you get. People take food too lightly, what they don't understand is that good food is a way to connect with a person or people. That's fundamentally one of the major functions of food. Eating together is one of the easiest social skills that helps us bond.

As I've grown up, I realize the importance of good friends, not quantity but the quality. It matters more that I have that someone who I can chat with and share all of my life's secrets with. Talking about things gives you perspective. A conversation that helps you change or rather reflect on your perspectives. Life has become so busy, there's family, work, there's social media whether we like it or not but that takes up most of our time in these current times. Out of this, even when we meet the people we love, social media becomes a part of it. The reason behind it is slightly narcissistic but hey, who am I to judge!

Anyway, coming back to brunches. It's funny how as we age, the definition of being with people or around them changes. These days I just want to chill and have some good food with  amazing ambiance, discussing the catastrophe that our life has become. In a way that becomes a saving grace that keeps us sane. That keeps me grounded at least. I take on a lot of stress and that will one day become the death of me that much I know but may God be my witness, I'll survive it till I have good friends who keep me sane.

Happy Sunday, Folks!

Nugatory!

I feel so ordinary at times. You read a thousand posts where they tell you, grill into you the fact that you're special, and yet yesterday I just felt so short. I'm privileged, I do well, I work hard to get what I want and I have a great set of friends and family and yet at times I don't feel it. Sometimes, and I really don't usually, but sometimes I look at people who have it easy, a smooth life, I remember all the times I had to struggle to get what I want. Not that it matters because not everyone is meant to achieve laurels and fame, yet even though I've had my share, I still feel so inconsequential. 

I have two Ivy League colleagues, and I know I do better work, I have more experience and more game but then they come from a lineage that has made their life easy. I hate destiny and how it plays out. I felt so envious, because may be if I had a different life, I would have been a different person. Question though is that would I have liked me? Would I have been the person I am today, in this life, with this history behind me? Hmmm! This thought has left me wide awake today.

There are people I know and see who just flash their privileges out on to everyone. There are people who are ready to suck up to them. This confuses me because then if that's the case you never know if the people around you are genuine or not. Some people have this insane need to then just show off what they have, maybe to get gratification or popularity, who knows. I mean it's just insane. Then are some, who keep things private, I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I mean there is good in sharing (not showing off) but then when you're very private, you just end up becoming an introvert. You see how confused I am. Anyway, I'm rarely ever jealous or envious of others but today I just feel so trivial and insignificant like my being doesn't matter. I've never felt more out of place, it's just not there. I felt so insignificant, even though I'm not but then again, I didn't share this with anyone who can make me believe otherwise. 

Verklempt!

When you are trying to completely cleanse your heart of the love you have for a person, everything comes in bouts. One day you feel this sudden urge to move on, and yet the another day you just want that person by your side, and in your arms. You learn each day to curb and manage these tides of emotions that wreck havoc. 

You try to look at the way how you deal with these emotions from an external view. You see yourself being happy at one instant and the next, you're crying buckets of tears knowing you didn't matter enough or cursing your luck to convincing yourself that you are okay and be glad that you got away. There are nights when you dream of them and wake up because the dreams hurt you to the extent that it's like the worst nightmare you have ever had, to the next day when you are sleeping so peacefully knowing that you will not be crying for someone who broke you, that you will not be lied to or not feel insignificant and abused. There is this hollow feeling you get at times where you want to fill it with memories of them and then at the very next instant forget that they ever existed. This is moving on! I still haven't but waiting to get there. 

Adoxography!

OMG!!!!! The triggers are never ending. Just a tweet took me back to my first guy and our first kiss and him singing a song for me. He was the kind of guy who had a song for everything. This became our first kiss song!

It was a moonlit night, we were on our way back from shopping, yeah, South Ex if I remember correctly and it was rather late. As we were nearing my home, we started to say our goodbyes, and he asked me if he won't even get a hug. I leaned in and hugged him and just as I was about to move out, the sly tilted his head and kissed me. I was so shocked because you know this is not how you expect your first kiss to be. So, we kissed a little (a lot) more actually. What a night it was, I couldn't stop blushing...

Festive Blues!

My family! Two words and so many memories. I don't remember a lot of things that my siblings do and it pisses me off really. When I look at photographs, that's when nostalgia hits me. It's especially harsh during the festive time. Okay, so my dad was never really a person who was utterly enthusiastic about festivals, in fact we had to nag him at times to do it. You could not make that man do anything that he didn't want to do, yet it’s never gonna be alright, is it? The family functions will never be the same. You know our lives are influenced so much by our parents and we don't even comprehend the gravity of this fact. I mean things are so different when they aren't there with you. 

I feel like a part of tree whose branch has fallen and it’s grappling at keeping itself in place. It’s weird now when I see happy families now, I feel so incomplete. It brings so much nostalgia thinking of the time when we were that, when we were those smiling happy faces that brightened up the lives of others around us. I am not boasting that my family is this awesome clan. We have our differences and we fight like crazy sometimes but still when the time is needed we are there for each other. This time the festivities just were formalities and that's when I realized I particularly am a person who LOVES festivals. 

Juggernaut!

Detaching from the memory each day,

Till the day pain of your broken heart goes away,

For when your eyes stop to bleed in vain,

That’s the day you pray to stop the ache.

The journey to unloving begins the day,

When your unsteady heart takes the first hit,

Then you begin to gather your love,

And start bundling it inside a dump. 

So, it’s back to being by yourself bane,

Closed heart flinches to open again,

Getting ready for a new life without them,

Waiting for the day you might be rid of the mayhem. 

Alexithymia

Today is his birthday and I thought I’ll stay silent, which I couldn't (Damn it!). But I must have thought about him at least a hundred times today. I know I'm just another girl that he fucked over and played, but even during all that anger I didn’t stop loving him. Ever since that moment I've been trying so hard so forget him, forget all about him like. That's my problem, when I love, I really love. Even though I did manage to remove myself from a very tough situation, and even though I'm not proud of how and what I did but I did it anyway because I thought that was the kindest way that I could manage an escape. Even post that, I tried to stay calm even though my heart was hurting like it would just shatter to bits. 

My heart searches for him, and it still sinks whenever I see him. But then again I chose not to let him see it. He chose to lie to me. I chose to believe him. He chose to deceive me. I chose to heal him. He chose to continue to hurt me. I chose to listen to his excuses. He chose to make me one of many. I chose to give him a place in my heart. He chose to not give another thought to me. I chose to cry oceans for him. He chose to not ever bother for me and I chose to forgive him. Not because I wanted to hurt him but because I know it was a dead end and yet now I know that he would never value my love for him. 

It makes it all the more harder knowing that my love will never be returned, it has to be drowned and forgotten. I know he is around. I come to know every time and yet I now choose silence and ignorance because to him I'm just a supply, or maybe someone he wants revenge from. I see him chasing skirts but it’s not my business anymore, and lately it stopped affecting me too, or maybe I'm trying to not let it affect me.  He kept asking for closure, so I gave him that too. Only because I loved him. I make him believe that I don’t care for him at all even though I do, only because I loved him. Maybe he has taught me to lie well too. I loved who he was for me, I miss him terribly some days. That’s the man I somewhat feel for even today, maybe just a tad bit more than I should knowing that it was just a facade. To him I'm not the girl who thinks if he’s had a good day or if he is doing okay. To him I’m not the girl who does everything she can to forget him. To him, I’m just a nobody. But I still wish that he finds what he is looking for. The love that he wants and not just supply that will satisfy his every need. I hope he has the courage to claim it or find it again in what he has. And I hope that he is able to value that love for himself and not wander. 

And on a selfish note, a wish for me, I hope that next year this day will just be a date and I will be free of his memories.

Swan Lake

Ballet is one of the most intriguing, yet one of the most delicate dance forms there is. Seeking its origin since the early 15^th Century, ballet is grace incarnate. Like many Indians kids are often pushed towards traditional and classical dance forms, not excluding myself, whether it’s either Bharatnatayam or Kathak, dance often becomes one of the mandatory childhood extra- curricular activity. I’ve seen a couple of family friend’s kids perform ballet recitals, other than that nothing professionally. So, imagine my enthusiasm when Swan Lake came to town (Yippeee)! Created by the master  Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, Swan Lake has proved itself to be one of the most popular ballet performances of the 21^st Century.

Brought to Delhi by the Royal Russian Ballet Company, a marvellous performance that has been bewitching people since 1875.  The thing about beautiful pieces of work, just like people, is that no one sees the complexities that hold it together to bring about something so magical that it leaves you breathless. The classic love story of a prince and a princess, who struggle but  finally have their happy ending, tragic as it may be, this is the kind of story every one of us strives for in our lives. 

The beauty of emotions and the flow of the story portrayed through classic and enticing dance moments, is one that is both rewarding, and makes you become a part of something bigger, a more magnificent wonder of talent and creativity. All I can say is that, an experience like this broadens your horizons and for a couple of hours, transports you into the fantasy world of love, dance and grace, that you leaves you mesmerized!

Toska!

I bring about my own misery, imagine that. The things that affect me the most remain with me for a long time and they are often difficult to recover from. I do manage it but then it takes a while for me to be completely okay with things. I often think that the decisions I make in life are because of a certain moral grounding that I have and I know that is what gets me in to trouble. I can easily just follow my whims and fancies but the burden of guilt post that is something that I just cannot live with.

For example, in life I have let go of people who do not do me justice, even though we've shared really close moments together or have been friends since a long time. In case of relatives, I'm the one who speaks out and even though I am the younger clan, I still stand up for what I believe in. It may not be accepted in the best of spirits but that's okay. In case of my family, even though I'm the youngest I've always been treated like I'm the oldest when it comes to decision making or doing certain things in the absence of my siblings or in presence of. That's a huge burden to carry. 

In case of love, with the first love of my life, I could have prioritized myself (which I've learnt now I should) and let him go to hell, instead I was the one who gave my 100% and suffered 110%. Agreed, he also had a hard time, I mean five years would have meant for something. In another failed attempt at love, even though I loved the person really really a lot, I chose to do the right thing. It hurt like a bitch but I had to do it. 

It hurts to see your love being abused so much, eventually you do get tired of it. Seeing him doing right by others and wrong by me, treating me in the worst possible manner, it all hurts a lot but it's a decision I took and I alone have to live with the consequences. I have no one to blame but me. I've been suffering for two years now and it's eased up a little but still, it hurts. At work, I instantly fall into the trap of being overworked, maybe because I cannot say no or since I do good work it comes to me but again, I am the one who is worked the most without the credit that I deserve.

Sometimes I really want to do things the way others do, with lack of disregard for others feelings or without any morality but then what I want to know is how do they cope with the guilt or rather how do they not acknowledge that guilt. I really want to know, maybe in learning that way of life, I can be happy with my decisions, because honestly, I'm just sick of crying. 

Orphic Love!

You know how we watch scary movies and the killer goes on a killing spree. You watch each murder after murder and you flinch, scream and then the movie ends. The killer is caught or dies and it justifies all his wrongful acts. But what about the ones who kill your heart? Who seeks to avenge your heart when it is killed by many people? People just say "oh, that's normal, you'll be fine", but are you ever fine? You might end up with someone and be happy, I have no doubts about that but you never forget how your heart broke. You never forget the tears. You never forget the pain. 

It's hard. I will not lie to you, it's very hard to digest the fact that you open up your heart to someone and every single time you end up witnessing how it gets squashed over and over. My worst trait is that I keep thinking of things and people that hurt me. Knowing the guy I love ( well, kinda), he will be busy romancing another, while writing about me or anyone and going home to someone else. Yet, the thing about love is, when you love someone, even though you might not see eye to eye at some point, it does not mean that the love goes away. You see it everyday in your eyes, you teach your heart everyday to move on, you silently break down every tiny piece of your soul that holds this love. That's the penance your heart has to suffer every day and every night.

Vad!

How safe are you in Delhi? That’s the first question that comes to everyone's mind as soon as they start speaking with you. Since I drive, I’ve had a couple of stalking experiences and yes, it’s scary but if you keep your wits about, you do end up escaping that situation. Never really had the psycho stalker shit, well, online...that I’ve had quite a few. 

However, it’s rather annoying that men think that cheap tricks will help you get the girl. I feel it’s mostly about how they have been programmed by watching all the sordid Bollywood movies where essentially the subtle message is that girls like being stalked. This provides encouragement to such men who constantly nudge the girls to say "yes". It’s only when certain men cannot accept rejection, they act out in the most horrendous ways possible. 

So, I was at this event, listening to this group I admire to bits and there across our table, a group of men kept constant watch. I mean literally  two of those men kept turning back and checking us out.  You get that icky feeling when someone’s staring at you. Upon further review and confirmation by my friends, yeah a guy was checking me out ALL THROUGHOUT THE DAMN SHOW!

I mean how will just staring me down will get me to even bother taking an interest in you? I felt so violated just with his incessant stare. This wasn’t the end of it, the constant show of presence around you, trying to gain attention is like by-the-book shitty tricks. Either man up and approach ( which actually I think he tried as I was about to leave, but really got so spooked that I drove away like a mad woman) but I mean what’s this deal that you have to act like this? If you like a person, I would rather appreciate that you walk up to to me and talk to me without making me uncomfortable. Anyway, the entire night goes for a toss when you encounter such creeps.  Ugh!!!! 

But it raises a question in your mind that there are women who are not so lucky, there may be women who like this attention. I just wanted to have a good time with my friends, chilling with some good music and some good beer, but all I did get that evening was my attention and comfort being poked at. Not a great feeling! 

Lorn!

Before him I hurt and cried,

It took a while but, 
I settled my heart just fine,

I was happy and back to living my life,

I held a cured heart in my hands one night,

And then he came like a deep tide,
He brought in hope of love and I sighed,

But didn't know that was a weapon of his choice,

He dragged my heart through dirt,

Stomped and kicked it till it hurt,

I picked up my broken heart,

Tried to make it heal right,

But now I feel lonely all the time,
Holding in my hands, this broken heart of mine.

Youth is a blessing, Old age is a curse!

Our society is built on clichés. Everyone says that the youth is a blessing and old age is a curse, but is it? Yes, youth is great when you have all the energy, you are naive and you see the world through rose tinted spectacles but as you age you realize how life is. Even if it's unfair, and you have built wisdom over the years to handle whatever it is that life throws at you, you still need patience to withstand it all. As a younger you, there are so many things that you can do, but do you ever have the time, or the money or the freedom to do it? We are directed to live our lives as our parents or guardians deem fit, we at times are mandated and driven by our parents to fulfill their dreams and passions. Does that not put pressure on youth? because if at times you don't indulge them, you might just be tagged a rebel.

As we grow up, we are busy exploring ourselves our hobbies, our choices but as an elderly we are capable of knowing what we really want and what our path really is. Youth is where we commit maximum mistakes and sometimes suffer harsh repercussions because of it. How does old age become cursed then? Has anyone ever though about it? Is it because of the suffering from various diseases that one suffers from? They exist because of all the choices made during our youth, which is only a blessing because we know not the consequences that our decisions have on old age, but then again, you only live once, right?

I feel that old age is a blessing because you are lucky to have lived to see a fulfilling life. I say that's a blessing!! To see a life completed, that has to mean for something. So, youth or old age, both are a blessing or curse, it's only about how we live our lives and the choices that we make while living it.

Memories!

It's been two months since dad's gone and I still can't believe it. There are days when I think of the past and then again of the future. I cannot seem to live in the presence of this loss. So many of the people we know did not know that dad is no more, partly because I don't want the sympathy of people and be treated with special treatment because a person who gave me life is no more. I do not want it to become a discussion on facebook or seemingly a post to acquire virtual likes and condolences. So, it was tough to answer a lot of the questions when my sister put up a memory post dedicated to dad. I am not being ungrateful to all those who care about us but it's just that I am the most comfortable writing my feelings or sharing them with really close people. I don't want an acquaintance to 'comment' on the post and say a few kind words and then get busy in their own life because for us, life has changed.

Gaining back a sense of normality needs time, even though I may appear to be okay, cheering, laughing and living my life on the outside, there I days when I feel just rotten. I've become over sensitive, I cry at little things. I feel so frustrated because I have to be okay in front of everyone else. I've been mechanically going through dad's things and sorting papers, getting names changed, doing the bank and the policy works and all the while even cursing him sometimes for not making things easy for us, just to find another thing to vent about and then I look at us and realize that a part of our lives is gone. I feel like life has just been a series of spin offs and I am stuck in parallel dimensions, moving across different worlds and trying to hold on to something that will make things okay.

How many situations do I distract myself from? I sometimes feel like a volcano that will either burst or just burn in itself. How much detachment do I have to teach myself? It's not the life I wanted, even though I know this was bound to happen sometime but it's too soon because I feel I haven't even started my own life yet. It's one of the most difficult moment in anyone's life, to cope with the death of a loved one. The silent tsunami of this kind often leaves you devastated. 

Death is the time when the family is brought close together, there is unity in grief. The family support that you get during that time is one of the best coping mechanism because you know that you are not alone. The bereaved family gets involved in all the traditions and customs, you have people around you reminiscing and conversations change from one subject to another, it's just that the presence of one being is felt, that no one can fill.

One Year!