Real as it Gets!

Why am I so different,

I ask the world tonight,

Because of a few foibles,

Which to me are all lies.

What do people see,

When they judge you promptly,

What do they feel,

When they glance deep into your eyes,

How do they adjudge,

How do they respond,

To the one who does or does not care at all.

I see so many of them,

Just moving onto percipience,

Not knowing when they hurt,

When they break your soul a little.

A leeway in my heart,

A vexation all along,

A tribulation that belongs to everyone,

Especially the one's who feel they don't belong.

In this charade of people,

Who think themselves the kings,

What they don't know deary,

Is that the real ones lay still,

They shroud beneath their wings,

Away from the cloak charlatan's wear,

Not to hide themselves, but wait and stay awake.

Life and Decisions!

The most difficult question to answer is perhaps - what kind of a life partner you are looking for. I recently came back from a family wedding and trust me people have been going bonkers over getting me married. Hinting and insinuating (pulling my hair out moment actually). Amongst all the chaos and endless teasing I realised that I am unsure of what I want. The perception of who I want to spend my life with has changed dramatically as I have aged, what I wanted at 25 v/s what I want now is totally completely different. Yet there is an image of the kind of person I want to spend my life with and sometimes if some people are lucky enough they do find that special someone. 

Ofcourse there is a specific type of person you are attracted to instantly and that does push you to choose that person but then when you think of spending the rest of your life, it makes you stop and wonder. I am very scared to get married to the wrong person and then break up and then if not make my children suffer. I know people say times have changed and it may not be so you can always get a divorce. But no one tells you the trauma you go through. That itself is an ordeal. I’ve had friends and family who have gone through some dirty divorces and it really is not easy. Or the ones that are living in a bad situation. What happens then? All of these are questions that make the process difficult. Plus when you are older you want different things, independence, a guy who respects you and most importantly in today’s time is faithful and loyal.

There are like so many things to think about, relationships are not complicated I mean that is what dating is for right. But to spend an eternity with someone – what if they snore really  loud, or have a habit of scratching their balls 24 x7 or eat with their mouth open, what if they want you to wash their undies ewwwww and OMG so many things. What am I supposed to do, that I will not know right. I mean he may be a pervert and then what. Then the serious questions like does he want kids, what is his nature like, how are his moods, what does he think of women, how will he react to certain situations, is he loyal, I mean SO MANY EFFIN THINGS! 

Is it weird that I feel so lost whenever I think of this, I start to sweat, major major panic attack happens. It is scary. And then so many things follow suit. What do you do? Who do you consult? How do you trust yourself to make the right decision or others to make it for you? While the tension builds, there will be people elder to you telling you happy stories and giving advice and on the other hand your peers tell you these horror stories that literally scare the living day lights out of you. Who do you trust? I now believe that its better so just get married young when you are too naïve to think of all these things and want these things, because apparently some expectations lower as you age quite the contrary to what people think. 

But this was not supposed to happen, am more confused now. I need help. Like serious help! 

HELP!

Death be Told!

Well I have been meaning to write since a very long time but life interrupted me yet again. I mean I did really make a separate word doc for all the topics that  I really do want to share my views on. So today I choose Death.  As a topic not that I choose death…well some people choose death anyways (Hey that’s another topic)..

Right so my Nanu (daddy is what we all used to call him) passed away on 15^th of Jan this year. He was about to turn 88. Was fairly fit except a few knee pains. In times of today we are so busy and we keep postponing a lot of things and take the family for granted. I was at work super busy with an event when I got the news. I couldn’t go that day. The next day and the next day, missed his cremation because the prime minister was launching the book I was working on. I did not see him one last time. I was so much in control of my emotions so as to keep my clarity at work that I did not cry. No one knew this happened at work. This is what we have become – strong or robotic I really don’t know. Life has not been very kind to me, I’ve faced some tough situations all by myself. I look back and realize how did I even manage them. My dad got a brain stroke once, his left side paralyzed; mom was out of town due to return the next day. I was a slave to my job then to. He called while I was on my way back and I hurried, drove rash and reached home only to find his hand peeping out the door. I rushed in to see him in that state and called the ambulance dragged him up to a sitting position because he was too heavy for me to do anything else. Took him to the hospital, managed the MRI, formalities all at the age of 24. My great grand dad, nearly 98 wanted me to stay back once for two more days but I had some work or something. His news came the next week.  

I’ve had a brief stint working at the hospital. I could not do more, not because of the erratic hours but the sadness that surrounds that place. You become strong yes but that happens much later. I remember doing my rounds in a cancer ward once and a patient who was not eating anything was my third patient of the day as the shifts changed. He looked at me and smiled, his frail body but that glorious smile I still remember. He said I looked his daughter who lived abroad. He said looking at me he was at peace that he atleast saw her. On my day off, he kept asking for me and the nurses assured him that I will be back tomorrow. He passed away in the middle of the night. I cried for two days. Then there was this Afghani kid in the pediatric ICU who was here all alone for his heart surgery as the parents could not afford to come. He could not speak English or Hindi and was begging to go back home. On my shift, I saw him he was out of his bed and I took his hand. The shocked look and the smile he gave me I’ll never forget. I used to extend hours and sit with him. Just read him books. He was sent back because of lack of funds to complete his surgery. I don’t know what happened to him.

Sickness makes a person so vulnerable, makes them realize the importance of relations and all this while I’ve realized that I prioritize other things over them. We watch all the end of the world movies and I get so scared that if tomorrow the world ends, there is so much I want to say to the people I love. I want to be close to them. I want them to be the last sight I see. We sisters are in three different continents, what if I die tomorrow. There will be so much I want to say. Those words will die with me anyway.