Verklempt!

When you are trying to completely cleanse your heart of the love you have for a person, everything comes in bouts. One day you feel this sudden urge to move on, and yet the another day you just want that person by your side, and in your arms. You learn each day to curb and manage these tides of emotions that wreck havoc. 

You try to look at the way how you deal with these emotions from an external view. You see yourself being happy at one instant and the next, you're crying buckets of tears knowing you didn't matter enough or cursing your luck to convincing yourself that you are okay and be glad that you got away. There are nights when you dream of them and wake up because the dreams hurt you to the extent that it's like the worst nightmare you have ever had, to the next day when you are sleeping so peacefully knowing that you will not be crying for someone who broke you, that you will not be lied to or not feel insignificant and abused. There is this hollow feeling you get at times where you want to fill it with memories of them and then at the very next instant forget that they ever existed. This is moving on! I still haven't but waiting to get there. 

Adoxography!

OMG!!!!! The triggers are never ending. Just a tweet took me back to my first guy and our first kiss and him singing a song for me. He was the kind of guy who had a song for everything. This became our first kiss song!

It was a moonlit night, we were on our way back from shopping, yeah, South Ex if I remember correctly and it was rather late. As we were nearing my home, we started to say our goodbyes, and he asked me if he won't even get a hug. I leaned in and hugged him and just as I was about to move out, the sly tilted his head and kissed me. I was so shocked because you know this is not how you expect your first kiss to be. So, we kissed a little (a lot) more actually. What a night it was, I couldn't stop blushing...

Festive Blues!

My family! Two words and so many memories. I don't remember a lot of things that my siblings do and it pisses me off really. When I look at photographs, that's when nostalgia hits me. It's especially harsh during the festive time. Okay, so my dad was never really a person who was utterly enthusiastic about festivals, in fact we had to nag him at times to do it. You could not make that man do anything that he didn't want to do, yet it’s never gonna be alright, is it? The family functions will never be the same. You know our lives are influenced so much by our parents and we don't even comprehend the gravity of this fact. I mean things are so different when they aren't there with you. 

I feel like a part of tree whose branch has fallen and it’s grappling at keeping itself in place. It’s weird now when I see happy families now, I feel so incomplete. It brings so much nostalgia thinking of the time when we were that, when we were those smiling happy faces that brightened up the lives of others around us. I am not boasting that my family is this awesome clan. We have our differences and we fight like crazy sometimes but still when the time is needed we are there for each other. This time the festivities just were formalities and that's when I realized I particularly am a person who LOVES festivals. 

Juggernaut!

Detaching from the memory each day,

Till the day pain of your broken heart goes away,

For when your eyes stop to bleed in vain,

That’s the day you pray to stop the ache.

The journey to unloving begins the day,

When your unsteady heart takes the first hit,

Then you begin to gather your love,

And start bundling it inside a dump. 

So, it’s back to being by yourself bane,

Closed heart flinches to open again,

Getting ready for a new life without them,

Waiting for the day you might be rid of the mayhem. 

Alexithymia

Today is his birthday and I thought I’ll stay silent, which I couldn't (Damn it!). But I must have thought about him at least a hundred times today. I know I'm just another girl that he fucked over and played, but even during all that anger I didn’t stop loving him. Ever since that moment I've been trying so hard so forget him, forget all about him like. That's my problem, when I love, I really love. Even though I did manage to remove myself from a very tough situation, and even though I'm not proud of how and what I did but I did it anyway because I thought that was the kindest way that I could manage an escape. Even post that, I tried to stay calm even though my heart was hurting like it would just shatter to bits. 

My heart searches for him, and it still sinks whenever I see him. But then again I chose not to let him see it. He chose to lie to me. I chose to believe him. He chose to deceive me. I chose to heal him. He chose to continue to hurt me. I chose to listen to his excuses. He chose to make me one of many. I chose to give him a place in my heart. He chose to not give another thought to me. I chose to cry oceans for him. He chose to not ever bother for me and I chose to forgive him. Not because I wanted to hurt him but because I know it was a dead end and yet now I know that he would never value my love for him. 

It makes it all the more harder knowing that my love will never be returned, it has to be drowned and forgotten. I know he is around. I come to know every time and yet I now choose silence and ignorance because to him I'm just a supply, or maybe someone he wants revenge from. I see him chasing skirts but it’s not my business anymore, and lately it stopped affecting me too, or maybe I'm trying to not let it affect me.  He kept asking for closure, so I gave him that too. Only because I loved him. I make him believe that I don’t care for him at all even though I do, only because I loved him. Maybe he has taught me to lie well too. I loved who he was for me, I miss him terribly some days. That’s the man I somewhat feel for even today, maybe just a tad bit more than I should knowing that it was just a facade. To him I'm not the girl who thinks if he’s had a good day or if he is doing okay. To him I’m not the girl who does everything she can to forget him. To him, I’m just a nobody. But I still wish that he finds what he is looking for. The love that he wants and not just supply that will satisfy his every need. I hope he has the courage to claim it or find it again in what he has. And I hope that he is able to value that love for himself and not wander. 

And on a selfish note, a wish for me, I hope that next year this day will just be a date and I will be free of his memories.