A Quest for Contentment

Now, this girl I know posed a question a while ago that got me thinking ever since. Every day is a struggle for many. Some days you wake up and feel tired or happy or funny or any emotion that you let rule your world for the day. Time is fleeting and there are literally a 100 things that I need to do or aspire to do. Lately, the recurring nightmare I’ve been having is that I’m not even putting 1/10^th worth of the effort into the things that I want to do in my life. I’m really just an insignificant speck of ash when I compare my life, my troubles with others. There are so many out there who are living a dreadful life or a really happy life. They are committed to doing what they want to do. I have learned one thing, change is very powerful. Life is fun if you choose to live it right.

Everyone has insecurities, tiny bits and broken pieces that makes us who we are. There is a lot of maturity in me (even though my behaviour at times might say otherwise) which then clashes with some teeny weeny streak of immaturity. The need to remember who I am and accept the differences is paramount now, that's a new level of maturity I've achieved I guess. If you want to be understood, without question, you need to first let the other understand you well. I have accepted the fact that if things are bad at the moment, it doesn’t mean that your life is bad. You never know how your words affect someone, how your strength helps the other endure their bad time or hardships. How your love, friendship and mere presence is needed by someone. You never know how your support is actually needed by some. We all need sheltering by the ones we choose to be a part of our lives. You don’t expect them give out on you, you want them to have your back and you want them to be okay with all your imperfections.

Everyday I wake up, I've started reiterating to myself that things will be okay. There are times when I fall and the fall is hard but then I'm learning to coexist with whatever is going on in my life. Staying quiet at times is the best solution and sometimes racing thoughts need voice even when people don’t even want to listen to me. It’s a task to have to convince my mind and heart. It’s about making the right choices, or at least what I think are right choices. It's a task to have to deal with pain. In life now, I have learnt to appreciate those who value me. It needs a lot of effort if one has the intention to make things work. You need someone who wants to talk things out and not wave you off. Someone who believes in your reveries. When someone makes an effort to ensure that you stay in touch with them.

I have learnt to just love people and pray for them. I have learnt that you cannot save everyone. No matter how hard you try or want to unless they want to change, they want to do better or be better. I have learnt that I’ve become very patient but I also know when to say it’s enough. I’ve learnt to knock on a closed door a couple of times so I don’t look back and regret that I didn’t make an effort. I've learnt that connections in life are many but the effort needed to sustain it should happen from both sides. I've learnt that it's very rare that you get love from a person the way you want to be loved or the way you love them and maybe if you're lucky, you just might end up getting it. It's recherché that there is that someone who notices little things about you and when you do find that person, don't ever let go. I’ve learnt that it’s okay to give your all to someone. Sometimes, I cannot reason well with myself, why I chose to let certain people be a part of my life, maybe it’s their journey or mine but I gave them what they needed because I wanted to at that point in time. Some part of them will always remain inside me and I guess that’s okay. It hurts, yes that you did more than the other but at least it leaves you with the satisfaction that you did what you did in a heartbeat. That should account for something, right? 

Maybe, the decisions I made were not so wrong. They have taught me to be thankful for and value whatever affection I receive. They've taught me that I need to be happy for me and be the reason for the happiness of others. My decisions have inspired me to write. I have learnt that even though silence is golden and sometimes my words need a canvas. All the words I’ve written have preserved a plethora of moments, memories, pain, hurt and love. I can look back any time and live them again, if I want to. Words need to transcend to actions for them to mean something. If I have a dream, I have to work towards it. I have to go through all the hardships and at times disappointments too but I know it will be worth it. I’ve learned to analyze myself, my emotions and the intent of others. I've realised my dreams and hope that the day I die, regret will not be a part of any list. I've taught myself to be sane and a little bit soft with myself even though pain runs through the veins. I have been drained of emotions, crumbled to tears but then also mastered the will to ensue, to comprehend what not to do in life, how not to hurt someone and how to love them. I've cultivated all these lessons.

And then one day it gets a little better. Maybe it isn't great or extraordinary yet because the pain still simmers somewhere underneath but it will get better. Like one day you woke up and the tears didn't fall like they used to or the anger didn't reflect as it used to. You wake up to the challenges of life. No relationship in your lifetime is ever really a waste. It brings you experience if nothing else. It enlightens you regarding your own drawbacks, strengths and passions. The spark that faded begins to emerge again. I now discern that I cannot make things run as per my wishes and that I cannot fight every battle.

Exigency

Resplendent rain, seize it as it tumbles down,

Whilst it cascades from heaven’s grace,

Building into something beyond the ache,

With a splash as it pours on the wrecked terrain.

From the cerulean firmaments atop,

It drips like the yelps of the rainclouds,

Look how it begets amity,

One which my dithering soul solicits instantly.

The drops create mayhem on my skin,

Trailing the silhouettes within,

An embrace of the mellow zephyr,

Assembles the reflections of you to surrender.

Let me douse the memories in it,

Immerse in the sprinkles, the speckled rawness,

Let it extinguish the sweltering simmer,

Of the love that was despairingly surrendered.

Palliative droplets as they plunge onto me,

Let the reinvigoration commence tersely,

To bathe the earth off its sins,

Let’s implant novel seeds to flourish afresh.

Image Courtesy Google 

YAAY!!

The exact feeling that I have right now is pure elation. I have to say that I absolutely love working. That adrenaline kick I get when a project commences till the time it launches, this is the power punch that makes me want to work over and over with an unstoppable vigor. It's like when you conceive a child. It's planned, you think of the pros and the cons and you want to expand your family and you put your knowledge, dreams, vision and everything into it. It's like an aim, an ambition that you aspire for and when you see it fulfilled, the feeling is god damn amazing.

As a young adult, to be honest, I never really had thought that I would land into the profession I currently am in. My first choice was English Honors, followed by Marketing. When I was even younger, I truly wanted to study literature and become a writer. Somehow fate had a different path for me. I've worked with so many organizations, inculcated so much of their culture, work ethics and I've learnt so much from them. I always wanted to work in the field of communication though. The intoxicating feeling that you get when the message that you want to share with someone is correctly relayed to the audience. The satisfaction which you receive when a project is successfully completed is beyond nirvana. All the blood, sweat, tears and curses that you put into a project finally gives birth to a beautiful piece of work that you can cherish for the rest of your life. 

Today was one such day. 4 months of hard work and there we go, my babies have launched today. This will be I guess my 5th & 6th  website. Somewhere I think I'm fulfilling my passion for writing. It was such a joyous moment for me today. The look in peoples eyes when they know they have been given something by me is invaluable. My portfolio is still not complete. Lot many accolades to go but today, I add one more star to the ones existing. Plus catching up with a school mate is always fun. How we've grown, the stories were never ending.

For me I guess, if I take up a hobby that I love as a work, I tend to lose interest. I love writing, which of course thanks to blogging, has made it possible for me to write down my feelings, thoughts and general disposition. I have realised that the mundane 9-5 jobs do not give me the thrill I need and seek. Each new project opens up so many avenues of work and learning. The growth curve never drops. I've been teaching alongside and that is also something that I would like to pursue in the future but probably as adhoc. I don't have a set career goal but it's definitely something where I can see my name with pride. 

What you smell like, is what you feel like!

Do you ever wonder what makes you want to close your eyes and breathe yourself in? Or for that matter how it makes others do the same. The good old olfactory is one of the basic of senses that one must appeal to.  A good perfume does that for you. It takes a lot to identify your smell. A perfume often serves as a muse for you or others; it sets the tone and the mood for the day or the night. A lot of people end up choosing brands without really going for the aroma. This is not a cogent argument at all because even though you may shell out a lot of cash but it may not necessarily move your senses.

When choosing a perfume, select those which appeal to your emotional palette. Emphatically, the aromas emanating from you are definitely of intimate nature and you carry it around where ever you go. You should pick a fragrance that is a lovely concoction of complimenting aromas but blended together so well that it gleams daintily on your skin. You need to find your scent and that’s who you are. One of the best compliments I’ve received from numerous people is that I smell good everywhere. And I mean everywhere lol. Picking your signature smell is a tricky thing. I’ve always had a weakness for floral (romantic, light and slightly sweet scents) or oriental (warm and sensual scents), they are just irresistible. The base scent is what persists on the skin and leaves you smelling amazing throughout the day. Imagine a posy of complementary florals, sure to entice even the most frivolous of conks. yeah, that's my kind.

Victoria Secret has been quite a favourite brand of mine since eons now. I always end up wandering to the store irrespective if I want to splurge or no. The current favourite of mine is Scandalous by them and it suits my disposition like second skin. It totally captures my essence to bits. The way it just blends into my core ummm it's like a Shakespearean sonnet, titillating and sensual. When I put this on, it cajoles my being and turns my mood into this kickass, sort of a daring yet sensual diva. It brings forth a state of ambivalence. Perfect name too, plus it’s like a stimulation overload. This is closely followed by Love spell. There are a lot of favorites I have when it comes to perfumes. There are signature scents that a lot of women stick to. I’m the kind who likes to experiment. Others that I absolutely adore include Jadore and Poison by Dior, Halloween by J Del Pozo, Angel by Thierry Mugler, 5^th Avenue by Elizabeth Arden and Pure DKNY. I hope this list will increase soon though. I confess, I do occasionally love men’s perfume too. Just the boldness of it makes my senses tingle.  So, pick a perfume that says about much more about you than you do.

The Pursuit!

How do you define love?

I know how I would define mine for you,

One never spread among a crowd,

Is there any one with whom,

You can express who you are.

Love is in everyones heart,

But shouldn't there be someone,

Who understands that,

You cannot convey your feelings out loud. 

A crowd of people ready to laugh at your naive heart,

To feel beyond deception and betrayals, 

Everybody in the world searches for a person to love,

Who enfolds within when you feel distraught. 

You seek for that someone,

In this life and the next, 

Till you find your scarred someone,

Who with you become a perfect twosome. 

Recourses of Life

Choice, such a simple word and yet has repercussions that go beyond infinity. Every man and woman has the potential to be good or bad, it’s the choices that we make which define us. You can choose to let the past stain you or you can choose to be positive, learn from the experience, savour it but also choose to live. In our lives, we often find so many things that break us. Some succumb to the pain but some shine and some just graze through. Choice is an important facet of any situation that you are in. Every bad experience that you have, may bring out a positive. This is the general notion. For instance, take love; if you suffer bereavements or disappointments, it is generally believed that if you love the wrong kind, you know how to appreciate the good. If you’re married to the love of your life and yet you see no effort being put into the relationship by them at least you learn to be independent and learn to not expect much out of them. Sad as the case may be but at least it teaches you to be self-reliant, brings forth a sense of self-worth and if there are kids involved, you end up becoming or at least strive to become a positive role model.

Many a men think that women are materialistic, most maybe, but men are too these days. But not every woman needs gifts. Some just want you to be around them when they need you. To listen to them carefully when they talk and to give them the warmth and security that they desire when they are sad. That emotional support which is needed and is lacking, that support which they extend to others and to everyone around them is what they crave as well. What women want is to not have the loyalty of their spouse or loved one questioned by them over and over. All a woman needs is honesty from the man that she loves. To be that one person who brings her peace within the storm of chaos that dwells in her. To have someone that is scared to lose her for a change and to have her happiness matter to him.

You hurt a woman that loves you when you betray her when she devotes herself to you. It’s your choice to lie to someone, because sooner or later the facts so appear. What people don’t understand is that how you treat a person says a lot about your character than them. So when you disrespect a person and especially your woman, your wife, your spouse or for that matter any woman around you, it shows your mentality. It's your choice if you mislead them, it's your choice to hurt them, it's your choice to make them go through pain, it's your choice to not be the person you promised you were. It's then the choice of the woman to love you even with the pain or choose to walk away even though she loves you.Who died and made you king? Who gave you the right to talk any which way to a person, subordinate, or even an acquaintance? If a person  treats you with respect, it’s never their weakness. There are a thousand ways in which they can respond. They can retaliate, but they don’t because of their ethics and the way they have been raised. People often forget that this trait is not of the weak.

Teach this to yourself and to your daughter, if you ever have one, to fall for a person who really wants you to be a part of their life, not for a moment but a lifetime. Space and judge the other well before you give your heart to them. Choose the one who will wait for you, not rush you and understand you even in your moments of insanity, sadness and will help and guide you genuinely. Who will be your support, who will want to talk things over after a disagreement, who will want to make an effort. Who wants to be with you, at least give quality couple time. It’s easy to fall for a body, or a face or a memory, just because it reminds you of something that you lost, but it will only lead you to the idea of love, but not true love. The definition of it keeps changing as we progress in our lives and both the people have to change if they want to survive the relationship. That means that one needs to not just say that they want you or love you or will not let you go but actually make the other realise that’s the case. Love is not just ardour words, it's not about gifting flowers or expensive dates or whatever ideas the romantic movies create. But it's love when you're both given what you need, emotionally, physically and mentally by each other, when you really need it.

We live in a world where it’s so easy to just use words as an escape from responsibilities, commitments and life. The battle between words and actions has forever taken a spot amongst the top debates. Words may charm you to the core, build hope, however necessary they may be but at the end of the day, actions is what makes you believe in a person, a relationship and yourself. There is often a difference between self-respect and ego. The former being the trait of a lady and latter of the archaic man. No one has the leverage to treat you like a door mat. Women often forget this in relationships, friendships and at work too.Deep seated indifference is what happens when have unconditional love for a person and they break that bond. A person who has done all wrong may be the one who is happier in the end but at least not with the one who truly loves them. In such moments, it is very tough to be a nice person. You cannot do anything about it anyway, so the questions haunt you and then you isolate yourself and start the misery trip again. I really wonder how someone could be this careless about someone else’s feelings. Maybe it is time to change yourself and harden up. Inculcate within you a lack of sensitivity. Who is out there to appreciate it anyway right? So might as well let it go.

Inamorato

She wanted to listen to their song,

A song that made them sway,

His hands on her, how they stay,

As he twirled her into his arms array.

The sky shied away,

When it saw his lips touch hers,

The sun blushed a shade or two,

Birds sang a little song too.

The cool breeze,

His warm breath,

His piercing gaze,

His hands on her neck,

Her quivering lips,

His heavenly embrace.

He held her hand,

As he kissed her deep,

A lazy strand left her hair,

As he pulled her close, 

To taste her again.

Slowly as he undressed her to skin,

She gasped as he caressed her within,

He laid her down on the soft grass,

He held her close to his mounting form.

A warm breath as it reached her thigh,

She yearned in passion.

She twisted in agony,

She moaned his name,

He ended her misery.

He burned himself into her,

Etched his soul into her,

Merged his heart into her,

Linked his senses with hers.

The rhythm divine,

His ruthless whispers,

Her screaming heart,

His hardened core,

A joining of bodies,

Of two kindred souls.

As they lay awake later,

Entwined in each other's sweat,

Gazing at the evening sky,

On the ground that smelled divine,

A smile that turned into a heavenly sigh.

Image Courtesy Google

Cicatrix

Sometimes cleaning out your computer is not a very wise thing to do. Maybe one should give that chore to someone else or just hit delete and let it all go. It takes a lot to try to be happy when someone and their actions still haunt you. There are so many things you wish for and then you wish them to end, because the pain still pokes once in a while. So, tear by tear you try to wash it out of your heart. You stop writing your feelings; poetry doesn’t do them justice anymore.

Of course it takes a lot of balls to sit in front of someone who cares for you immensely and then lie to their face. To lie to a person who knows all your truths. You can pretty much figure out how a person wants to just toy with you when they lie to you from the word go. How you are faced with every lie in the book. How can anyone survive with the guilt of misusing someone like that? I guess, I will never know. While a person claims that they have done so much for you but you know those are only words because no actions ever seem to supplement it. You make someone feel special for one moment and the next you rid them of it. You go to lengths to get something for them and then you say you can’t even remember it. When all you did was invest yourself truly, share your love unconditionally, agree to their terms and conditions and realize that you are not even worth their telephone no ( which of course is freely given out to other women) let alone their identity, what conclusion do you draw for yourself. When their feelings were scrubbed away by a night or two of lusting after others, that’s when you know how much you matter.

It’s funny how a person can disguise himself to suit a person you may like or fall for. If you feel cheating is wrong, show what a nice guy you are, bitch about another known person and how they cheat on their wife basically become who they want. Weave stories about how great a guy you are and then go ahead and prove otherwise. It’s a man’s job to make you secure, if he can’t and doesn’t, he never wanted to in the first place. It’s his job to make you feel loved, so you never have to question it. And if you question it, you know that their love is the convenient love and not the real kind.

When you genuinely care and fall for a person you at least want basic human civility from them. It’s very easy to cry to the world of all the follies and how their broken heart bleeds. Maybe it’s a trap for other women, to show the weak and vulnerable side. A real man would never play you and if you matter to them they will show it and word it out, that much I know now. That’s the point when know you were never cared for and you finally get the proof via their behavior when they meet you. There are innumerable questions that need answers. You want those answers, you even write down letters that will never be seen by another set of eyes because you question yourself that is there even a point in writing them because all you may get are lies since it clearly doesn’t make a difference for the other. So, you decide against it, you burn those letters. What’s the point of showing your love when they crush it every time, over and over.

There are a lot of ways to hurt a person. It hurts to know that when you hold a person, you can tell by their embrace that you're not loved by them at all as there is no feeling that is reciprocated, it’s like you’re the only one who feels for the other. It hurts to know the truth that your tears never mattered and just a call was a trigger to save their ass. It hurts to know that someone played with your emotions to satisfy their ego. It hurts to know that they truly don’t care for your well-being or safety. All the secrets then don’t matter because you realize it was all but a sham. Till that point it meant so much more and then it stopped at that moment.  If someone puts so much effort into pushing you away rather than pulling you to them, you should head to the exit door.

It’s weird now when I look at me. I don’t recognize at times the lifeless and blank eyes that haunt me when I’m drawn by a memory. I hate how familiar I have become with disappointment. It’s unacceptable how I accept that love has been unkind to me and how I’m scared to open up to some really good people. I am scared of what I have been turned into and what I have become. Because in order to unlove someone you have to kill yourself. You have to murder your feelings, hide your tears, and silence your screams. You have to teach yourself to forget, change yourself to heal, learn to let go of love. You get sick of the pain. People say that love keeps growing when you keep pouring it out and keep giving it to people who need it. But why does my heart feel so empty now? Moreover you have to learn to let go of the good times because honestly they hurt the most.  You have to let love drip out of your heart because with every tear, it breeds a new scar, a scar that turns to claws.

I can’t hurt a person maybe that’s my flaw. Maybe the biggest flaw is that I’m an honest person. When you’re blinded by love and other emotions, it hurts when your hopes, dreams, people and memories are cut from your life. The love lessons that you learn in your life have the power to change you. After any bad experience, you open the heart to someone hoping they won’t destroy it like others did before them. Everyone hurts you, in one way or another and feeling love for a person who treats you unfairly is horrid. No matter how many articles you read, no matter how many distractions you seek, it’s a hard task to train your heart your to forget the one you love.

Why me? It is a question that you will never get an answer for. Choose a person who says – why not you? So, you teach yourself to curb your feelings. And just like the puff of smoke, they will be gone, let them fade away.

A Rainy Day!

I love the rain. It's almost as if it was fashioned to revive the soul. There is just so much calm right before it begins to pour as if the ground primes itself, unwraps its arms and is ready for the embrace between parts of heaven to extinguish the fires of hell. The petrichor emanating from the thunderous sky upon the parched terra firma, guzzling the drops of life, is a sight for sore eyes. The cool breeze, how it slowly caresses my skin and leaves feather touches for me to reminiscence for an eternity. How it lets my mind wander and leads the heart to sing the same old song.

I love the rain. I fancy relaxing under the hammering cloudburst and gaze at the sky. To take a sip of whatever life has to offer. Drown in its splendid enchantments. It is undeniably a picturesque spectacle, of the delightful terrain and the minuscule globules as they begin to strafe at it and coax the plains back to life. The birds chirp and glide amongst the murky puffs of grey, black and white, veiling the glorious blue sky as the droplets free fall performing a little dance of their own. As each dewdrop makes contact with my skin, I sense it brings harmony to me. It nurtures me and it triggers memories.

I love the rain. Just when it ignites chills within, right when it makes me crave warmth. It may make some reach for shelter or draw some towards comfort. But as I begin to enjoy the cool breeze, tantalizing my taste buds with a cup of hot mug of masala chai, whose steams bring contrast to my innumerable thoughts, it drives me to envisage various dreams and hopes. I see reflections of people in the puddles of water on my terrace floor. The rhythmic sound of the rain creates music so serene that it splits uncertainties, anxiety and sentiments away and allows me to take a deep breath and release the strain.

I love the rain. I adore it when it’s about to start but it drives me wild when it’s torrential. I see the trees pirouetting in glory and I fathom that maybe the rain enjoys it too. To see the joy it brings to all, to be the cause of happiness. The purpose of rain is to heal. It rebuilds my core. It brings me peace. It scrubs my heart. The intoxicating scent reverberates in my being.

Answer me this! 

Have you ever danced in the rain? Try it, you will feel so liberated.

Have you ever cried in the rain? Try it, you will feel so cleansed.