Flow!

Water is meant to flow,
Unlike the other rivers,
Why is mine so slow?

I drew a path,
Cutting through mountains and snow,
I thought I had a crystal view,
Where did my direction go?

I stand alone,
With want to thrive and flow,
Am still at the same stop,
Wondering where to go.

As all the others pass me by,
I think of taking the familiar path,
Then I remember all the stones,
Hurting me so bad.

I took a chance to force a new path,
Contorting , struggling and twisting so far,
Finally I did move a little,
Only to find a blocked path.

Some moments are priceless

We are lucky! Whether we acknowledge it or not but the truth is we are. Some special moments always leave you with little joy that can carry you through a really bad phase in your life.

How you make it yours to stay is the question. Just the moment you meet a loved one after long, fills you with so much happiness that you do not knw
what to do that is something which is so precious.

Picking flowers and inhaling the intoxicating aroma of those wonderfully fresh art of nature take you to paradise.

Laughing with friends, sharing memories or talking to your family about the crazy things that are happening makes you happy to be alive.

I had some of these special moments remind me lately how blessed I am even though life may sometime eclipse happiness. Its eventually what we make of it.

This I learned today!!

Weird feelings

It's just so weird, one minute you are all happy and the next you are bombarded with a different feeling.

Is it part of growing up, I will never know. Seems that as I have lived my life with all my experiences there always seem to be instances where the power to rule my emotions is handed over to some person. How this control lands in their lap is what I need to work on. I guess that is one thing that I will need to master.

All the events as unfold again, I relive them again. The painful, the seductive, the happy and the sad ones too. All I wish that one day I may be able to just forget about these strangers taking control of my life.

It's stupid but somehow so surreal.

Live. Love. Laugh

How is it that we live our life harboring all that we want to do and never seem to have the courage or are lazy to just get up, and start doing it. There I am on a mission to clear out the clutter from my life, get a direction , some objective, get motivated and do something.

As I sit in front of the pile of clothes I have taken out to chuck or the papers that need recycling all I can do is sit opposite my guitar I acquired 8 years back and think - when will I play the songs that I love. When will I be able to write music and experience the joy of creating something unique? I pick up the guitar and strum a little knowing how my fingers itched to play these strings which now lay rusted in front of me.

As I reposition to the other corner I see a brochure of pottery class, and I remember that passion that I had to connect with Mother Nature, align my self with her and suddenly after 5 years there it sits on a bunch of old magazines that I want to pitch.

Then I found something so valuable which took me back to my school years when I thought I would conquer the world. A list of to – do things that needed to be done before I turned 30. As I panic I realize that I wasted 8 years of my life crying over petty things, doing almost nothing for myself and my deadline is approaching. 2 more years and I cross into the thirties -* depressed*. Where is that girl who wanted to follow her dreams, fall in love, sings stupid romantic songs do almost all of the crazy things. I fell in love, my dreams changed merged into others, the picture to please another came into my being. Responsibility came, new relationships formed and I forgot about the most important person – ME. When did she disappear and when did this sulky, lazy and scared person emerge is something that needs a lot of perspective and reflection.

I feel my life is at a standstill, with only years moving away. When will I be motivated, who shall be my muse. I never wanted to be the person who looks back at her life only to see that she has not accomplished anything that she had her heart set on. Why is it that when we grow up we hide away our dreams, they change, we mold them into something that others would have wanted us to do.

Today as I sit in front of my diary - a blast from the past I feel I have nothing but utter respect for that person that I used to be. I need that courage, I need that spirit. I need me back!

A New Dawn

A new dawn, a spark of light,

As I float towards that warm bright light.

Moving away, I leave behind,

The peice of my heart and soul, 

That was dying inside.

Time has come, for me to spread my wings,

To restore my glory, to regain my faith.

I leave you in my memories,

Which I lock away,

To busy that dark place, 

Never to let it breathe again.

I gave my all, maybe more,

And I expected so much too,

But now I know it was something I foresaw,

You don't deserve me or my love today.

I leave you now, not bitter anymore,

You wanted to turn me into you,

This I will become no more,

I was and am a free spirit,

Full of love and hope,

I realize that now,

You can't dictate me anymore today.

Everyone I care about, 

Love me even more,

Its a curse you have,

I won't bear it for you.

So I fly away,

To that new dawn that I seek,

Full of possibilities and love,

What is mine is finally bestowed on me,

Not leaving me high and dry.

 

Ek umeed!!

Us aadmi ke liye rona bekar hai,
Jo tumhare aansoo ki ahmiyat na jane.
Chahe ro kar nadiyo se sagar banao,
Uska ek katra bhi na woh dekh paye.

Zindagi ne aise mord par khada kiya hai,
Aahistha hi sahi magar dil ke tukdo ko jodna hai.
Isi umeed pe hi to,
Apne dil ko samjhana hai.

Aaj hum roye, kal ka kya pata,
Bas dhoondte hi reh jao ge,
Na milega dildar aisa.

Shayad tab yeh tapan samjhoge,
Shayad tab tum bhi aag main jaloge,
Kya pata hum kaha honge,
Dua karna ki hum na mile,
Kyuki us waqt hum hasenge,
Dard ki aag main jab tum jaloge.

Unanswered

I don't know which one is worst...being cheated in a relationship or being the one who cheated.

We all talk about being humans, who care oh so deeply for people around us especially who we love and then we go ahead and hurt them in such a violent way.

Its weird when you think about it I mean in an arbit situation if this happens you automatically say that I will not do it and yet when the situation presents itself you think of only yourself.

Where is the sanctity of love, loyalty and trust. Do we really value money and appearance more than what a person can give us. How do we judge who falls in which category. It's unsure, people are tricky and just when you think that you can put your trust in someone, they put you down.

All around me along with me, I see people going through the same thing. Have we really lost our humanity, our conscious. Any relationship is no longer pure, it just stinks of betrayal, lies, games and manipulations. Why can't it be simple , why do we have to make it so complicated. Is that because its what we've become.

Its really sad, because the heart becomes tainted and I guess it never goes way. You bury it deep inside, never allowing it to resurface and what then. What happens when the bridge falls or the wall that holds it fails. Where are we then?

All you do is just think about the things that you could have ignored. The people you could have judged better but even though it will be the biggest lesson in your life, It will be the biggest pain too.

How many can you blame? How many can you change? Not enough and it will be never enough. It's just how we humans are!!

Today!

Stuck in a loop,

Going round and round,

Just when I thought,

I got it all out.

There it stays, then it catches fire,

It was just buried underneath that big tower,

What do I do?

I need some guidance.

How can I survive?

How will I survive this madness?

This is me am not so sure anymore,

Somewhere I lost me and gained a foe.

I need to be me again,

Need to be sane again,

Seems surreal now,

But I need strength again.

My belief lies broken,

My faith lies shaken,

My clarity is lost,

It’s all seems like a façade now.

Who can I trust?

Who will rebuild it?

Because everyone I meet,

Had made me a victim always.

Is there no sanctity left?

No worth of trust and loyalty,

Since when was love this disappointing,

When did we stop believing?

How will I ever love again?

How will I ever dream again?

When I see myself shattered,

Am unsure to pick up the pieces.

There is nothing left,

Just darkness at the end of the tunnel,

What I learnt today,

Is to be selfish.

Where are the days,

When people used to die for each other,

Where are those days?

When love used to be a temple.

Where is empathy,

Why is this world full of liars,

Why do we fall in love,

With the wrong people.

Then the journey of pain begins,

The curvy way with dangerous twists and turns,

At every turn I stop now,

Not sure if I survive the next turn.

Then when I feel I am okay,

Destiny throws a dice my way,

Tells me my suffering is not over,

I need to cry more tears,

I need to experience pain and fear.

Then I start the journey again,

The bad and the good,

Everyone calls it life,

I call it my mount Everest.

Initial!

 

You made me just a name,

In the list of people you played,

Ever wondered how my heart felt,

How you stabbed it to death.

To you I just remain an initial,

You left me cross and wilted,

The misery still surrounds me,

You pushed me in a well so deep.

I strain, I toss and turn,

I urge my strength to come back,

Thinking what did I do,

To deserve a man who broke my heart.

Betrayal’s so easy for you,

Took my all to love for you,

Just when I thought my dreams will come true,

You shattered the mirror of hope.

You gave me pain, sorrow and heartache,

Didn’t I love you enough,

 You broke my trust,

and took my sanity with you.

Today I am just an initial,

When once I thought I was your all!

A Road to my Destiny!

Someone I used to be,

Lost I don’t know where,

Some body took my soul away.

It so happens that was written in my destiny,

To suffer every heartache and every misery,

I need to find strength to make it in the end.

I need to change this me,

Lost in darkness of past,

Picking up pieces of my life,

Every so often I sit to think back,

This was not how I imagined my life would be,

How every second of the day I would fight to find peace,

Hunting in the shadows this obsessive need,

All I wanted was to find the one who left me.

How it happened I did not think,

I did not feel till 2 years had gone by,

Then it hit me like a brick,

All the lies and the betrayal,

I saw myself falling into the never ending ditch,

Waiting for someone to save me from myself.

Just a thought!

You know everything, you understand everything and then you realize that life has a way of fooling you. Knowing too much isn’t enough, knowing a little isn’t enough either. Sometimes your life just seems too out of focus like it’s lost it’s balance. Things don’t happen the way you want them to and people keep telling you that it’s for the best. The only question that comes in your head is that, does it turn out to be for the better? Do the people who hurt get their share? Do they ever realize? Even if they do , are you there to see it...

Hmmmm too deep...thought so hehe

Weird thought!

U know a thought just came to me we all run for democracy and we are the victims of the biggest dictatorship like ever and I never guessed it was FATE!!

I mean if everything is predetermined and predestined then what the hell are we doing? If we fight so much for something and it's not even gonna be ours then why fight at all. Just to see it slip away. I mean we are the biggest puppets at the hands of some three crones as per legend who decide what's gonna happen to us. Pretty darn sad isn't it lol

Well then that leaves the door way open for Hope and bla bla...where are we actually, do stars and fate decide who we are and how things are gonna be for us. Well I don't know but am pretty psyched to find out.

Maybe on my death bed, I shall revisit this blog and then look back and tell myself  all the things that I wanted and all that I was destined for. It's amazing isn't it to know that the blue print to your life is all up there somewhere and someone is grinning over your every wrong move ...BUGGER !!

Well atleast there is some optimism left which makes me think that better things are waiting for me after a period of sheer bad luck( hopefully)...hmmm..better not jinx it huh. But still am totally utterly sad to think that no matter how much I try there alas is no free will..

Sad yet True!!

I need to know!

I need to know,
That I am gonna be fine,
It's so tough now,
My faith's shaken to the core.

I need to know,
Will i be able to survive,
This is a curse or a blessing,
When will I decide.

I need to know,
Love is for real,
It's not an illusion,
That surrounds me more.

I need to know,
I'll be happy tomorrow,
That I'll be myself again,
That I'll stop missing you someday.

I need to know,
There is a future,
My hopes and dreams will flourish again,
My life will be normal someday.