Heartless!

"Too much has happened between us for us to ever happen. I don't want another chance in another lifetime or this knowing that you will hurt me." This is the only thing I want to tell him. The words weigh so heavy on my soul. They pull my heart under the burden of melancholy. 

It's amazing how people are capable of hurting another person who genuinely cared for them. The simple world is selfish. So many times have we heard it and yet we are here reading and writing stories of how our heart was broken. But think this, how many stories are we going to write or read to make us really stop hurting another. Aren't there so many already to set precedence to the fact that we shouldn't be breaking or rather treating someone's heart like it doesn't matter.

If power or money corrupts a person so, that they think its okay even in passing that it's fine to play with hearts, I don't want to be associated with either. When I look back, and think about him, I just think about one thing. Knowing his agenda and plans I still want to understand how can anyone be so cruel towards someone who loved him. To be merry and live a content life while causing pain and knowing the extent of the pain given. I cannot forget the smile on his face that I saw when I was crying in agony. How even a single tear, didn't matter to him. That is his memory that will always remain within me.

Egress!

I walked away, knowing it wasn’t my place to be,

Held my heart in pain, knowing it wasn’t my place to bleed. 

The soul that once sang to me,

I thought it was only for me,

Till I heard the claps of me,

Everyone thinking it was them you sung for and not me. 

I walked away, knowing it wasn’t my place to be,

Held my heart in pain, knowing it wasn’t my place to bleed. 

I bid my goodbyes, 

So silently that you couldn’t even hear,

I hid my tears, 

So you wouldn’t see them and leer. 

I walked away, knowing it wasn’t my place to be,

Held my heart in pain, knowing it wasn’t my place to bleed. 

Not waiting in a line to be loved by you,

Picking up the pieces of my heart broken by you,

Disappearing in the shadows of the night,

Couldn’t watch you proclaim your love to everyone but be mine. 

I walked away, knowing it wasn’t my place to be,

Held my heart in pain, knowing it wasn’t my place to bleed. 

Image courtsey @illustrats 

Harmonize!

I cannot explain this feeling. This fleeting feeling which was angst and envy the minute you see your love give attention to one, two or no wait,  about a gazillion girls. You don't think rationally during that time, you think maybe something is wrong with me, even though there isn't any, but that's another tactic people (men and women) use. It's classic!!!! It breaks your heart and it literally puts you on edge and having faced it, I know I never want to feel that again. The point of falling in love with a person is that you love THAT person for whoever they are and vice versa. It shouldn't be that you have to feel your heart breaking when you see them flirting with another or when you see them with another talking of love like you never mattered. No, it isn't a great feeling! The fact that you know you were, rather your heart was used and abused, nope, not a great feeling at all. I mean, why would you ever want to feel that way again! 

Then, there comes one day, when you start to empathize with those other women. Even though you detest the fact that you were one of so many puppets, the realization of which hurts like a bitch by the way, but then again you begin to see them as a person, who like you, fell for him.  You understand what they feel like and feel sad because you know their fate. But exceptions are always there, sometimes people are not genuine on either side. But still it's not a great feeling that you keep your heart on hold for someone who uses hearts like tissues. However, like they say, everything teaches you a lesson in life, you learn to avoid such people and situations that may hurt you. You accept the current circumstances and you try to move on. You use all your might. You try to expend all the love you have for a person and wish for it at times to let it go. Even though this other little part of you still loves him - or that version of him that you once believed was real, there is nothing you can do about it, till you just get to live with it. And knowing that that's the part of him he's parading around now, hurts a little - so it's like you're mourning "that version" of him all over again. So, take this feeling to heart whenever you feel sad or irritated, works like a charm, understand that this too will make you immune. You will begin to understand, you will begin to break free. And just then you know that  you have to let them do whatever or whoever they want because they sure as hell are missing out on you. Know that they actually make it easier for you because you see them doing this stuff.

The Fuck!

WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE WANT?

This is insane, that's it, this is insane! This need to torment someone is so selfish. I knew he will act this way, this is exactly how he is. He uses women, he abuses love. I know we can't ever and yet he comes back every time to haunt me. How much of my strength has gone into ignoring him and getting over him, only I know. He has a life, he has a partner, he has ample sluts and yet he chooses to target me. I mean go, fuck the world, who cares. After he has made contact with all the women before me, purposely made clear that it's him (not that I needed that confirmation), he did it. He touched me again. 

After everything that he did, he dared to come back. And even if he did as a freaking option when none of the others are working out. I'm sorry he should have realised by now that I'm not the girl who likes to be treated as an option. I ain't in the running to be a side chick. I will never keep myself in that position. 

If he is expecting an apology, he better not. Did he apologize to me when he lied to me, when he used me, when he tormented me, when broke my heart, DID HE? Does he expect that I will ever apologize? He has a good life, he has access to whatever shit he wants but he still chooses to harass me. Maybe, I'm not even the target, maybe he is trying the same torture on someone else. But I will NOT be a pawn in his game. I am done, I loved him with all my heart and got betrayed instead. This is never going to happen. He has to go, even though tiny part of my still cares for him, but he has to go.

Vacate!

I wake up each day,

Refusing my heart,

It holds on to you,

While I keep ripping it apart.

My heart wrings for you,

How it sweeps and yearns to tell you,

I feel the want to clutch you tight,

To know that things might never feel right.

I pray and pray for some peace,

To forget you and flee,

Tonight and every night,

Yet I lie bleeding and screaming fright.

For The Love!

“People who love to eat are always the best people.” – Julia Child

I love Sunday brunches with friends. Sunday has that vibe, you know, the one where it's all about happiness that you share and of that you get. People take food too lightly, what they don't understand is that good food is a way to connect with a person or people. That's fundamentally one of the major functions of food. Eating together is one of the easiest social skills that helps us bond.

As I've grown up, I realize the importance of good friends, not quantity but the quality. It matters more that I have that someone who I can chat with and share all of my life's secrets with. Talking about things gives you perspective. A conversation that helps you change or rather reflect on your perspectives. Life has become so busy, there's family, work, there's social media whether we like it or not but that takes up most of our time in these current times. Out of this, even when we meet the people we love, social media becomes a part of it. The reason behind it is slightly narcissistic but hey, who am I to judge!

Anyway, coming back to brunches. It's funny how as we age, the definition of being with people or around them changes. These days I just want to chill and have some good food with  amazing ambiance, discussing the catastrophe that our life has become. In a way that becomes a saving grace that keeps us sane. That keeps me grounded at least. I take on a lot of stress and that will one day become the death of me that much I know but may God be my witness, I'll survive it till I have good friends who keep me sane.

Happy Sunday, Folks!

Nugatory!

I feel so ordinary at times. You read a thousand posts where they tell you, grill into you the fact that you're special, and yet yesterday I just felt so short. I'm privileged, I do well, I work hard to get what I want and I have a great set of friends and family and yet at times I don't feel it. Sometimes, and I really don't usually, but sometimes I look at people who have it easy, a smooth life, I remember all the times I had to struggle to get what I want. Not that it matters because not everyone is meant to achieve laurels and fame, yet even though I've had my share, I still feel so inconsequential. 

I have two Ivy League colleagues, and I know I do better work, I have more experience and more game but then they come from a lineage that has made their life easy. I hate destiny and how it plays out. I felt so envious, because may be if I had a different life, I would have been a different person. Question though is that would I have liked me? Would I have been the person I am today, in this life, with this history behind me? Hmmm! This thought has left me wide awake today.

There are people I know and see who just flash their privileges out on to everyone. There are people who are ready to suck up to them. This confuses me because then if that's the case you never know if the people around you are genuine or not. Some people have this insane need to then just show off what they have, maybe to get gratification or popularity, who knows. I mean it's just insane. Then are some, who keep things private, I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I mean there is good in sharing (not showing off) but then when you're very private, you just end up becoming an introvert. You see how confused I am. Anyway, I'm rarely ever jealous or envious of others but today I just feel so trivial and insignificant like my being doesn't matter. I've never felt more out of place, it's just not there. I felt so insignificant, even though I'm not but then again, I didn't share this with anyone who can make me believe otherwise.