A Dream That Could Be!

No, I will never tell you,

I will never let you know, 

How much I cry everyday,

Waiting for you to be that guy again.  

It hurts me to see you hurt,

A fake smile plastered on my lips so,

Tears still fall, as I stride by,

Hands still shake as I type a goodbye.

So jealous of a memory can you be,

That you burn in agony?

What of the dreams you can dream,

What of the love you can receive. 

I stand in the shadows,

Waiting for my turn to come,

Hoping that one day,

You will worship me as much as her. 

In a new life you live and breathe,

While in the memories I yearn to see,

Disappointed in love, it changes you,

Yet there is someone who gives you hope. 

Destiny but makes you a cynic,

The hurt is written for you to bear unseen,

So your tears become your strength,

The only friend who leave you,

But only to come back again. 

Dreaming!

What would I achieve?

If I was without you,

Forlorn with the ache,

Dreaming of you and me together again.

This life embraces no confines,

With love and hope,

No it does not suffice,

It subsists eternally,

Bearing the memories,

An acting witness of serenity.

This fantasy of mine,

An anticipation for it justifies,

Without it I am a broken wing,

That needs fervor and nursing,

Not doused with pain and suffering,

So hold me close again,

Till I stop dreaming.

A Smile or a Lie!

The burden a smile embraces,

To utter how happy one is so no one knows,

No one ever finds out if it’s a façade or no.

Why do we need perpetual hope?

When we don’t do anything to take what’s our own,

So much power that one smile has then,

Because it holds within the greatest power,

To hide all of our trepidations, anguish and sorrows to begin with.

A smile can say a thousand things,

No one sees how it hides a million deceits,

Just as someone who loves you for it,

Another heartache unfolds within.

How we crave happiness,

By definition isn’t it just the absence of pain,

But do we really know what agony is,

Or maybe it’s the ephemeral bliss that proclaims it.

An addiction is what it is,

Seeking exuberance, solace encouraging it,

We all want back that one smile we give,

We pursue it to satisfy any qualms within.

We decipher others but do we really care,

Who knows the words our soul preach,

Obliviousness is what we achieve,

Shrouding behind that barrage of pain,

It voices the truth ,we are just lonely loons.

But till the time we breathe,

We desire and we need,

Some succor before the search,

For the soul who feeds free.

People come and they go,

Disappearing without the slightest allusion,

How many chunks into our hearts gets frayed,

Yet we bond one by one of what’s left within.

Crossroads Again!

If there is one thing that I cannot deal with is the feeling of helplessness. The feeling that people want you to stay away. When they don't want you - or any help from you. This feeling when your hands are cut, your tongue is ripped, you are left unable to move to action. The right to present your perspective is taken away from you. This feeling when the other leads you to a battle less ground, that feeling. Things happen so quickly, and I always end up watching someone else make decisions for me. I always think i've cried the last time and always there is a waterfall waiting to happen. The taste of my tears seem all to familiar now, it just differs on who I shed them for. As useless as they are, they also know their worthlessness by now so they fall endlessly, silent knowing there is no hand that wipes them but their own. 

You know the time when you are unable to say what you feel, you are left with questions unanswered and everytime you curse yourself more. You replay the situation in your head and you pray that things change,perceptions altered. I have been at this crossroads in my life far too many times now I think and by the end of it I pray to God that he makes me numb. I tried to help someone and I guess I ended up hurting them more. I feel guilty. A hand of help turned sour, I ended up doing more damage. 

There is no good left in goodness. No one ever really needs anyone. Maybe I never learn and that's why am taught the hard way, to change who I am. But then how do I change how I feel?Where do I take the feelings that I have and dump them. Where do I leave the ethics and morals that I have. Where do I leave this tattered heart who knows pain? Where do I leave me?

Maybe I should be carefree, selfish and mean. How I want who I am to change. I thought blocking out love would help me stay away from this feeling but I guess I need to be inhuman, void of emotions. I now get why people become recluse. I forgot that helping someone, thinking it will heal yourself never works. This is not the age to be human. To care for people, to help them. Someone who brings you happiness, when they begin to think they bring you pain is the worst feeling. All the people I care about end up leaving, now I know it has to be me. People need to break out of a shell and I think this time around I need to build one. That's the only way I can survive. How many regrets will it take for me to give up on being me, am not to keen to find out. 

I've battled far to many wars with destiny, with God and I give up. I always jinx what makes me happy. Familiar is the pain, familiar is the fake smile. Am scared to think how many deaths will it finally take to kill me. Do I have it in me to fight, this time maybe yes but what about the next.