Crossroads Again!

If there is one thing that I cannot deal with is the feeling of helplessness. The feeling that people want you to stay away. When they don't want you - or any help from you. This feeling when your hands are cut, your tongue is ripped, you are left unable to move to action. The right to present your perspective is taken away from you. This feeling when the other leads you to a battle less ground, that feeling. Things happen so quickly, and I always end up watching someone else make decisions for me. I always think i've cried the last time and always there is a waterfall waiting to happen. The taste of my tears seem all to familiar now, it just differs on who I shed them for. As useless as they are, they also know their worthlessness by now so they fall endlessly, silent knowing there is no hand that wipes them but their own. 

You know the time when you are unable to say what you feel, you are left with questions unanswered and everytime you curse yourself more. You replay the situation in your head and you pray that things change,perceptions altered. I have been at this crossroads in my life far too many times now I think and by the end of it I pray to God that he makes me numb. I tried to help someone and I guess I ended up hurting them more. I feel guilty. A hand of help turned sour, I ended up doing more damage. 

There is no good left in goodness. No one ever really needs anyone. Maybe I never learn and that's why am taught the hard way, to change who I am. But then how do I change how I feel?Where do I take the feelings that I have and dump them. Where do I leave the ethics and morals that I have. Where do I leave this tattered heart who knows pain? Where do I leave me?

Maybe I should be carefree, selfish and mean. How I want who I am to change. I thought blocking out love would help me stay away from this feeling but I guess I need to be inhuman, void of emotions. I now get why people become recluse. I forgot that helping someone, thinking it will heal yourself never works. This is not the age to be human. To care for people, to help them. Someone who brings you happiness, when they begin to think they bring you pain is the worst feeling. All the people I care about end up leaving, now I know it has to be me. People need to break out of a shell and I think this time around I need to build one. That's the only way I can survive. How many regrets will it take for me to give up on being me, am not to keen to find out. 

I've battled far to many wars with destiny, with God and I give up. I always jinx what makes me happy. Familiar is the pain, familiar is the fake smile. Am scared to think how many deaths will it finally take to kill me. Do I have it in me to fight, this time maybe yes but what about the next.