Justin Bieber - I'll Show You

My Lineage!

There are a lot of stories we are told when we are young about where we come from. As a child, we used to hardly ever go to cremations and all other rituals, little did we know the intensity that is attached to it. But when a member of your own family is no more and you end up performing all the rituals, you understand life and you understand your roots far better. 

Traditions have a way of catching up to you as you grow up. Your entire being, who you are, is brought forth when you engage in rituals that belong to your religion. Punjabis are known to be flamboyant, care free people but at the time of either celebration or mourning, there are a number of things that you need to do. It's crazy how diligently one follows through these customs just to provide freedom to the soul of your loved one. From lighting a lamp under the peepal tree till the time the funeral pyre is set up, how you should not cook food in your home and it has to be provided to you by your neighbors, friends or relatives and between all those rituals, I got so much information about my background that even talking to my dad I never knew. We never really talk of such things and how we keep ourselves busy with the mundane talks is one of the things that hit me. Knowing how I felt, I will make sure that the kids in our family know where they come from.

The part that intrigued me the most was when we went to Haridwar and then to Poeha for dad and saw the entire clan's history where now his name joined his forefathers. People really had funny names from that era, like my great great grand dad was named Chunni Lal, like seriously and he was the first teacher in Rawalpindi to teach English to Britishers in India. My grand dad, a lawyer in Rawalpindi was a rather famous one. His dad, Chowdhary Hansraj, was a landlord and had hoards of property. In fact he used to be very close friends with Radhaswami second guru, they used to play chess together and we have his turban in our family running through down the generation. In fact, when we went to Agra to do ardaas for him, the present guru remembered him and we treated like royalty. Chowdhary Hansraj's grand daughters had come, that meant something. I wish he was alive and we would have gone together because there are stories that only he would know now. All of my grand dad's were named after the Radhaswami gurus and so was my dad. Satguru Saran, that was him, before he changed his name. So many stories I heard that I wish we had more time to talk. Life does leave you unsatisfied in the end, that bitch!

The Imprecation!

Main ronde ronde thak gaye, Rabba tu rulande nai thakaya!

My heart is under so much duress that I feel it'll break any moment now. I've lost love and then I recovered from the loss and got hit again, worse this time.  I've lost friendships and those hurt like hell too. Then, I lost a parent. So many losses to bear, and I feel my heart is just about to explode. I never was the one who gave a shit and ever since 2010, that's all I seem to do. To always cry when I'm alone as I pretend to be normal on the outside. 

I am so sick of everyone calling me strong. It’s like my strength is becoming my nemesis. If I can handle things it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt me to the extent that I feel broken. If I stand up again after getting hurt, it doesn’t mean that I can be knocked down again and again. These are the times when I feel my strength defeats me the most. Maybe, if I would have broken down completely that will make people stop telling me I am 'strong'. Someone has to take charge, and so I take on a lot of responsibility even when I don’t have to. Being the youngest I can also take the easy way out, but that’s not me and sometimes I hate it. I'm not invincible, I'm very sensitive on the inside. What hurts me once, stays like a dagger through my heart.

I have shut down now because I can feel the pain brimming inside everytime I open my eyes. It's been a month and I never knew his death will hit me so hard. But it has, I am hit the worst this time and there is no one I really want to hold me through it. I've been cut open, bled out, stabbed front and back and suffered all kinds of hurt. No one sees the pain and the intensity of it that I go through. I feel like I'm constantly being punished for being emotional. I don't know what do I need to do to stop the pain because love always breaks the heart. 

Gone!

Today was the teravi of my dad's demise. How life changes in a moment rattles me now. In just a matter of 13 days, our lives have changed. Nothing prepares one for the loss of a parent, irrespective of the fact whether they were magnanimous or imperfect. That orphaned feeling you identify with is not something that one is ever prepared for. Even though I was never very close to my father as an adult and may have had my differences but as we sat browsing old pictures and reminiscing, a record of a lifetime came to an end. Whatever said, he was a rockstar! And I realized that I will miss his singing, I will miss his smirk after trying so hard to get him to laugh, I will miss his cooking, that I will miss him. 

All the fights we've had and all our disagreements left me the minute I saw his stiff frame. From the moment he was full of life to the next where he was lifeless, then onto the burning pyre, he turned to ashes, that is a memory I will never forget. And as the last rites were being done even though I was with all of my family, friends and loved ones around me, comforting us, all I could think was the moments in my future that he will never be a part of. The celebrations he will never be a part of, how he will never see me as a bride, never play with my kids, will never be in our family picture. He will never be with us. 

How these past few days have passed in a daze, I've no idea.  So, I guess once again it's time to close another chapter.  Funny thing is, even though there are countless heartfelt condolence messages pouring in, they all keep mentioning how they know that I will get through it but even though I might appear strong, but today am not. Today, I broke down like there is no tomorrow and at that moment I realized that every hand that I ever wanted to hold for perpetuity, has left me and I feel so astray, I feel so forsaken!

The Surge!

The rise and fall of each tide,

Like the ebb and flow of life,

As each wave comes crashing down,

Bringing with it a taste of salty ground.

To cleanse the heart and run free,

Unburden the pain and leave the grief,

To settle the core and bring harmony,

Know for sure that their love had no meaning.

The need to be with the sea,

To awake next to ripples calling,

The yearn to swim in the blues,

And calm this burning heart into.

Celestial!

In reverence of the cosmos,

For it guides the bursting stars,

As it strokes the thumping core,

Proclaims uninhibited and unfeigned more.

A nightfall to remain roused,

Uncovering layers of supposed sin,

A caress of whispers that flows,

An embrace that by no means lets you go.

Reckoning the luminaries in the vault up high,

With ardor in your tone questioning why,

Disconcerting wish upon wish you wish,

Envisioning deliverance of love to squish.

Prime!

I’ve been up since 4 and PMSing and I hate this time because I'm always revisited by memories. I don’t know if we should be thankful to climate change and Global Warming because honestly this June-July, the weather has been so good, it's the one thing that alleviates mood. In the concrete wilderness that we live in, we do so much to embellish our homes. A home is one place where you should feel comfortable in, right? My preference, I totally dislike living in an apartment because I like quaint and delightful cottage styled homes with a garden that you can just devote a little time breathing in. The amity that you obtain when you are encompassed by nature is like no other, because you are in the middle of everything that’s flourishing, blossoming and nurturing. I don’t have a big garden to boast about but the little array of potted beauties I have, craft my mornings with bliss.

I happen to like my early morning tea as per my mood. Someday, it’s as obscure as a dark-roast coffee and somedays, it’s a spicy concoction. Somedays, it’s a weak blend and yet somedays, it’s robust and sustaining. I like to have my tea based upon specified settings. One, the tea needs to be brewed well and two the place where I want to drink it. As per our tradition, we all had morning tea together. All of us are early risers and that’s what I really miss. Conversations over Chai! Even though we sometimes have that experience over facetime but it isn’t the same. Proximity to the ones you love is oh so satiating and indispensable. You want to be close to the ones you love. You want to bask in their presence and even though it might not lead to great things, it might not need words, it just holds immense worth on its own. That's the power of existence.