A Paradox!

I love writing! There isn’t anything in this world that can make me feel better other than writing. In happiness – I write, in sadness – I cry and then I write some more. Let’s just say that writing gives you this amazing feeling when you are scribbling down your deepest, darkest thoughts -  there is only you and your thoughts.  I have not been able to at times voice out what I feel but still I try my best to frame words and then write it.

Today I don’t know but I just felt so alone suddenly. Words seemed to have left me. I did not want to write about how I felt. I want to sit in a corner, with a cup of coffee and just think about where my life is heading. I don’t know if anyone has such feelings or maybe worse. But I want to just sit and cry for reasons and people. I want to mourn the life I never lived. The life that I dreamt but never really happened the way I wanted. I think of a thing/plan/person and magically I seem to jinx it. I am scared of my thoughts, I am scared of being happy. 

Everyone wants to write about love, pain, happy times and laughter – am left with nothing to write. I think I finally know people – nope nada. Zero in that department. I think I know am set in my ways, I over ride myself, I think I have a connection with someone – turns out they have their own agenda. You are forgotten in a minute, you become a stepping stone to assist someone else in their journey. Where does that lead you? People use you in varied ways – they might use you as a time pass, they might use you to get connections and network, they might play with your emotions, they might use you for their pleasure, they might use your skills, they may like to copy your style to get ahead , take your help. They might say you matter but do you? Did you ever? It’s not a mirage, its reality. People show you the mirror. They show you who they are in ways that end up hurting you more. There are so many things people expect and take away from you. It is not easy to be a person who does not think before they leap.

I have this sudden urge to just go away to a place where there no human in sight. Is that too extreme, I don’t think so. I need to reset my life, I want to let go of the hurt, I want to live again, I want to remake my life again. I want to not communicate certain things, I want to not meet some people. I want to take back some steps I took, some words I spoke, some love I gave and some moments I shared. Is it too much to ask to want my own time back?