Pensive Thoughts

I don’t know why I succumb to it every single time. It just takes one single episode that does not agree with me and am right back where I started. You think you have identified a flaw and then you think what needs to be done about it. That’s probably the most logical thing to do right. They say you need to be action oriented, am just truly mislaid. Time and again I think to myself that yes I am better than that and I can be who I want to be, who I envision myself to be. Not saintly enough yet to live comfortably so that I am able to deal with the issues in my life at peace without any agitation. Then all of a sudden this anxiety attack just happens (I don’t know if it’s categorized as one too) but there is this feeling at the pit of my stomach that I know is bad. All the memories come rushing in mostly all the malevolent stuff.

 I actually figured out that one of the best solutions is to just forget. I’ve forgotten what hurts me, things that made me feel sad, friends who betrayed me, unresolved issues etc. but knowing that it has worked, there is a price I’ve paid. I’ve forgotten the good parts too. Mainly because they hurt now more than the painful experiences that you get. Isn’t that silly? But then again it’s true. The more you think of the happier times, the more you want them back desperately, then you remember the past and you feel that antagonism all over again.

I have gotten used to being disappointed and I don’t even know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing anymore. I feel empty – just a vessel who keeps on smiling. I want to pen so many things and yet am unable to. Not because I can’t but because it’s the same story. I know the problem, I know the consequence, I know the solution too but something just does not work. Seeing the world ahead as I step back into infinity. There is nothing that I have a wish for anymore. I don’t expect good things.  I have learnt to go with the flow. I purposely forget what I want and end up being happy with what I have.

I hate the feeling of not knowing and more so because it lands you into a cascade of delusions that hunt your every feeling and make sure that you suffer the agony. The mirage gets you every single time. You feel things are fine and it shakes and breaks the image to bring out the reality once again. 

But then what do I do with that tiny spark. That one little thing that quietly whispers “FIGHT”. The rush comes back again; the pain leaves the heart insane. I am lost again but this train of thoughts moves unguided still.