What's in a connection?

We live in a world of indulgence, where our fantasies play a major role than our reality. Escaping life is the agenda and not living it.We are in a time where there are no more wise councils. Yes, there may be doctors, therapists, friends who act as therapists and ofcourse google, but do they truly provide you with the relief you seek? It is at times impossible to return to your true self. The remedy is to calm yourself amidst all the anxiety.

Falling for a person is never a choice, and thought to be out of control but you do choose how you want to proceed with those feelings. If we want to stay with someone, it is our choice and if we want to distance ourselves from someone, it is our choice too. With so many choices that we face in our life, we often don't choose the "perfect" ones. Life may or may not give us what we want - a perfect soul mate, a dream we nurtured, a career we want but we may just be given someone or something, who even though may not be perfect or good enough but loves us for who we are and in turn teaches us to love ourselves.

When something important to you comes to an end you are often forced to assess yourself. To become a one man battle unit to face the world yet again. Since a few days, I have been wondering and questioning myself on one single topic. How do you know that you have a connection with someone? Is it a true connection or just a delusion that you have in your head. Or that you become comfortable and so acquainted with the person that you just feel connected.

As you age, you “connect” with different people at different levels, this is one thing I am sure of. It may be intellect, it may be an emotional connect or maybe even a spiritual or karmic one. Then, it opened up a few more questions for me. How well are you connected with yourself? How do you define that you are connected to other people? Is it just a thread that is tenuous or does it run like a powerful cord?

You may have a number of connections in your life. Some you sustain and some sustain you. Some don’t see the light of day because there is some vibe that obstructs. Someone you think you have a connect with, may not seem to have one back. When the realization hits you, it embodies a plethora of emotions generally pointing towards feelings of disappointments, sadness and a sense of loss of self. You begin to question your mind, your worth, your emotions and your motives. You cannot ofcourse know what the other person is thinking and more so believe what they say, as they might just be holding off to say exactly what they feel and think so that they don’t hurt you more. At that point though, you don’t want that care. It might feel like pity, even though it isn’t. 

Everyone has a wall around them when they meet a new person. There is a persona that you emit and as you get to know and like the person, you become vulnerable in front of them, you lay your emotions naked and you offer yourself and yet it’s never enough. You are never enough. So then how do you compete with someone’s image of who they want to be with? How do you even know?

In all this process however, you discover yourself. You hurt and you wound and then you begin to heal. A life this jaded though leaves a mark. The heart breaks and your soul and spirit breaks with it. You begin to doubt yourself. Are you ever enough? This is the question that reverberates over and over and you strive to be someone else. That someone who is stronger, sure of themselves. 

For how long can you survive with someone who doubts your role or worth in their life, now or in the future. When they choose to live in a dream, which when would have been turned to reality may or may not be as great as they thought. When they cannot make you a part of their journey, good or bad,then you know the road you travel on needs to be different and the choice needs to be made. So it’s best to ask yourself at what level the connect is before you offer your heart and soul to someone. Even though they might respect it they might not want it. Which is also totally their prerogative, and they should never feel it to be imposed or forced into. So, then again one more journey begins to heal the wounded heart. You stumble again, unsure and eyes heavier than your heart.

People who have a happy and an uneventful life, even though it may think of it as mundane but it is the best. They don’t question themselves; they don’t reach out and analyze who they are. I used to think this, while reflecting on my life and the lives of people I know and then realization came that no one is happy. They choose to be so. If you see a happy couple, or a couple in love, you think "wow, so lucky", but you don't know that she cried her eyes out yesterday night or that he didn't apologise. Or be it any situation that they are in. People are pretentious, socially they want to show that things are fine when they are not, so then who are the ones who are truly happy? Those who live in the moment, are thankful for what they are. You lose a loved one, but arn't you lucky if life offers you a second chance? Who is the fool then if you refuse it?

It is always tough when harmony between people is disrupted. So I did a lot of research, read books, went to every link that Google offered. Here are some great things which might help people who are struggling too. The situation usually starts with this particular feeling, some very valid question emerge:

• When you get to know a person, the comfort level, the feelings, the ease with which you talk all must lead to something. Should you not then explore further? 
• And if we feel such strong connection with someone you just met, what happens when it does not last? Or it’s one sided? 
• Do you at then point then lose trust in your perception of how the other person feels too?

Here are some interesting things I found: 

“Feeling overwhelmed is directly related to a sense of control. As soon as you feel you are losing control over your time, relationships and life, your responsibilities feel like burdens piling up on your shoulders. You then feel anxious you can’t do everything or feel resentful about the expectations people have for you.”

Another excerpt: "Some people are your soul connections and not soul mates. These are the people you feel very connected to.an explanation I found that fit the criteria well in my search of how can one be connected deeper with a person who have just met."

“It’s very common for people to fall in love with people with whom they have a soul connection. It’s a natural extension of the fondness you feel for them and the familiarity you have with them. Sometimes this fondness results in a commitment, like marriage. Sometimes it becomes a business partnership. Sometimes you are just amazing friends. Think about it. Don’t you know a few people in your life that you feel very close to but they aren’t your spouse? Haven’t you known someone in your past who had a huge impact on the course of your life but maybe you don’t even keep in touch now? A teacher? A mentor? A friend? Probably members of your soul group”

One of the most relevant articles I read and which provided one of the best answers for when you have a connection with someone . This article by Dr George Simon, PhD, provides great insight of what you need to figure out and I quote:

"In my experience, for relationships to really work, connections have to exist and develop on multiple levels. The extent to which these connections deepen and mature over time is likely to have a big bearing on the level of fulfillment the parties experience within the relationship. That’s why it’s a good idea at the very outset of a relationship to ask oneself some key questions, the answers to which could make all the difference with respect to that relationship’s future. Some of the more important questions include:

• How do I connect with this person on an intellectual level?
• Do we have similar ideas about things? Do we think about the world in similar ways? Are we intellectual equals? Do I really understand them and do they really understand me?
• How do I connect with this person on an emotional level?
• Can I confide my deepest feelings to her? Does she show respect for those feelings? Do I feel safe when I’m emotionally “exposed”? Is he emotionally stable? Does she know how to modulate and regulate her emotions?
• How do we connect at the psychological level?
• Do we “get” each other, our quirks, our idiosyncrasies, our “issues”? Do we respect each other’s unique personality characteristics? Can we live with our differences? Do we share the same sense of humor? Do we really honor, respect, and enjoy the kind of persons we are?
• How do we connect on the spiritual plane?
• Do we share the same core values? Do we respect one another’s beliefs? Do any of our attitudes, ways of thinking, or values pose a challenge to liking, accepting, or respecting one another?
• How do I connect with this person on the level of communication?
• Does he hear me when I’m expressing concern? Do I always feel like she is keeping things from me? Is there always room for dialogue or does every discussion soon become a fight?
• How do we connect on the practical aspects of living together?
• Can we be comfortable with the things each of us likes or prefers? Do we share enough of the same interests to spend quality time together? Do we have enough regard for our different interests that we can afford each other private space? Are our most ingrained habits compatible and endurable or are they so distasteful and irritating that they constantly grate on us?
• How deeply and meaningfully do we connect?
• Do we really touch one another, feel one another, experience one another on a level that makes us feel fully valued and embraced?

"Connecting on as many levels as possible and with proper balance is key to developing the degree of intimacy any relationship needs to survive and blossom. True intimacy is the time-tested glue for any relationship. Intimacy demands that we not only connect with one another but that we do it often, with sincerity and depth, and on more than just one level. The emotional baggage we bring with us into a relationship (as well as some of our personality traits) can affect our capacity for intimacy. Various stresses, fears, distractions, etc. can also interfere with establishing the connections necessary to foster intimacy. There are times when we really have to work at the process of connecting. In the end, it’s always the connections we establish and maintain that holds our relationships together and deepens the regard we have for those we love. If we want relationships that satisfy — relationships that nurture, help us grow, and ultimately bring us joy — we simply have to connect.”

On the contrary however, if you did think of all of these questions, there would not be any heartbreaks. People would just play it safe and choose the right person who fits the bill. This however never happens, you don't think who you fall for. You often do connect with words of what people say or their experiences when you relate to your own. Our hearts are capable of so much more just like the mind. The problem lies in our attitude.

 However, to be with someone, which connect should be the maximum. In my view finally I feel that a connection or an equation, in order to work, needs to be equal and almost strong. Though one thing I know now for sure is that no connect works when it’s not mutual. Or even if it exists, when one tries to end it. When the other does not think of you as equal and when you piece all their conversations together you realize that condescending tone in the background. You then see missing links and you connect the dots. When they hesitate to tell you things, is it best then to let go? This is the where the mind says yes and the heart is forever hopeful. A battle that is left to be won another day.

But for people who have found this connect, no matter what your baggage or current situation is, even if it's the slightest hint that things may be better and may even be brighter, try..try as hard as you can. Because when you support or cherish the other and make an effort to make the other happy or rid them of any foul mood, this is indication enough that you can survive this life. But both of you should be at the same place, cherish each other and scared of losing each other then fight for it. It’s totally worth it. Right? Consider yourself deemed lucky by the universe, live and love!