A Glum Afternoon View!

Should you have to beg for someone to stay? Some might say that it’s a sign of weakness but then again is it? You know that life moves on, you know your life will pan out how it is supposed to. You know you will have to live all the breaths you have written then why is it that we become so inhuman to the other even after we know pain. If on one end you don’t have the will to live and you keep falling into things which you shouldn’t do v/s pushing someone away with all your will, who are you contradicting? There is a reason I firmly believe that some people come into our lives for. It maybe to teach us lessons or to live again or to be seen again.

I have been very depressed off late and I am NOT that person. I am a survivor. I cope and I ache and I still move ahead. I still wake up each day, smile and I go to bed with tears. This is my journey, it’s been hard. And every now and then I think I can rest but troubles kick me and am back to the struggles. I gave up hope for an easy life, I own every struggle now. Be it my work, my life, my family, my friends and my love. No one has made it easy for me. But even after the hurt, the pain and the struggle , I try to look ahead. When I hit rock bottom, I always swim up. I just wish that there are people who I want around me, to be there. There are friends, family and lovers I’ve lost. The thing that hurts me most though is not their absence but the path they took to leave me.

I try to be kind to myself now, I console myself to sleep. You realize that life waits for no one. I have learnt to cherish those who choose me. Who left me, are gone. Who make an effort to stay everytime, I am learning from them. I don’t want to hold grudges but I still do. I don’t want to cry for some people, but I still do. I was naïve when I first fell in love, it seemed magical and equally devastating when it ended. I lost all faith in love. Time and again, I’ve had glimpses of it but they always make the faith stronger that there is no love. It’s not really love you see, if it binds you. If it does not allow you to live a life you are meant to.

I hoped and saw a glimpse of love in a lost soul like mine. I saw mutual dedication to work and many other similarities. Someone who appeared to be perfect inspite of them thinking otherwise. He has a really attractive personality, is articulate, personable and has similar value system like mine. A person who I value because of their ethics and morals. Someone who wishes for my happiness, I hope but still is the cause of my pain today. Yet, I truly do adore this person. And I really miss his presence, whatever and however brief it was. A will to push someone back if is this strong, imagine how would it be if we could use it to pull people in. It's a journey again, a path I chose that led to him but I don't know what happened and I hate not knowing and I despise feeling helpless. I just wish, he would be kind to me and kinder to him. We all go through pain, different intensities but if someone offers us a relief, should we not take it?

Life is really what you make of it. I promised myself sometime back that I would be happy. It’s not that I want someone to be a cause of my happiness. It’s just for once I would like people to not hurt me. I am building myself from scratch and so they may be. In times like these, you want support, just a tiny bit maybe, just to be able to breathe easy. Pain hits us all, but I would like sometimes for the other to bear their pain and think of me sometimes. I never ask for love, friendship, company, I know myself, push me hard and I go but  I don’t want to. I want to be able to live a life with people who I want in my life. Now my wish is that just once my wish is heard, just once, my wish is fulfilled. Will it? I don’t know but am sure going to find out.