Thank God for Friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!

Hehe ok so this post might be a litttle chirpy because (hic).... You get the drift. Ok so yada yada tears...bla bla...tears...bla bla slaps bla bla tears bla bla male bashing happened. It was soul cleansing. There is no one who can make u feel great but ur friends. 

After drinks and tears ( damn I miss twitter) it's been almost more than 10 days I think I've read twitter because hello totally off limits it was by my friends. I read it once in btw and cried my eyes out in office, What a mess I was ( still am a little), Left half day and my friends who took an off to drink ( alcohol- second best friend). So off twitter since then but I miss it. I totally miss it. I miss reading others, I miss venting. But hey thanks to blog I can vent anything random that comes to mind. Whenever it comes to mind. 

Anyway, today after the overload of drinks and ahem forced dance with a cutie at the bar ( totally bffs idea), there was this amazing moment of clarity. Things in my head are clear. Here life, here I come.......I have cried enough, i've been hurt enough, I have longed enough. If it's not meant to be so be it. I've prayed enough and it sucks to be at the mercy of humans. So bas "this too shall pass", I survived once before and I will again this time ( this is not 4 Cosmopolitans, 2 shots speaking hehehehehehe). Life is meant to be lived. To smile. To love and be loved. To travel. To be kind. To be a good person. To be needed. To be wanted and desired. To be totally and utterly crazy. I've cried enough. I need to smile, I need to live. I need me back. 

Friendship Day!

It utterly confuses me why we designate days to celebrate relationships. Should it not be an everyday phenomenon. What can one day, one fake wish do? Anyway. 

Today I wrote a note for every person who has been important in my life. For however brief a moment. Some notes remain in my drafts folder. I feel sad that I shall never be able to tell them, thank them. This is how it was to be. But they remain in my thoughts. It may be that sometimes the paths separate but they teach us, bless us in some way and drift apart.

Not going to be sad again today because frankly I am emotionally exhausted and my eyes really hurt. I've been in a drunk zombie mode for days now. My heart needs a break. My eyes need rest. They can barely see let alone cry. I give up. I am not going to fight anymore. I am going to just cherish people who are with me. Be thankful to God that they are there with me. They are there for hugs and kisses, laughter and cries and love. To talk endlessly about stupid things, meaningful conversations, sharing my pain and theirs. To know that they are there with me and for me. 

Secretly maybe I wish a little for some people who were taken away from me and some who left. So, their note remains in my drafts in the hope that I may give it to them one day. 

Lucid...

They say eyes are windows of soul,

They reveal what you feel,

Ablaze with emotions,

When you feel jocular,

Broken beyond repair,

Let them crumble and bleed. 

They say eyes perceive everything,

Even when the heart is detached,

They say eyes are the core,

Let them be, let them heal,

When love is unsurpassed.

The parallels of your heart,

How it agonises and despairs,

Deeper than the deepest oceans,

Eyes glisten sibylline. 

Let the tears free you,

Let them be the ink of your memoir,

Let them guide you,

Let them become you,

Let them pour torrential.

My Own!

You were here until now,

Where did you go and how,

You took my soul away,

Leaving me with nothing to say. 

Rays of light, peeking through clouds,

Smell of mud, intoxicating me now,

A heart void of the memory of me,

I am today how you left me to be. 

Why can't I write what I feel,

Why can't the hurt be seen,

Words are my only escape,

They are the ones that set me free,

They take me away from the pain. 

A day to write....

I really want to write today. I want to write whatever I feel. I want to write whatever I think. The weather is beautiful, clouds in a turmoil. Breathlessly waiting for the rain to shower and sprinkle on the earth. I hate this weird feeling. When you are strong one minute and the next your heart screams. You feel this sensation, you know like a prick on the inside. My brain is working overtime. So many varied thoughts. Memories. Wants. Desires. All cascading together. And then I saw this -

 How amazing it is to read this today. I wonder and yearn for my stars to shine and atleast give me some relief. Like the  parched earth waits for the rain. Like the rivers which snake through the valleys to meet the ocean. Like the lava destroys everything in its path to meet the heat.

All the things I thought I had faught, had dealt with and survived, came crashing on me again. I feel so scared. I am petrified. As I sit out gaping at the sky and tears welling in my eyes, I am shaking. My tears are so salty. I thought they would lack taste. I want to scream. I want to sit and just scream. My head hurts in places I didn't even know it could. Finally a few drops I can feel. Atleast I can cry in peace. 

Phoenix!

Heartbreaks happen, why?

Someone comes into your life. You invite them in without bias or judgement because you feel a connection. It might be a physical or a mental connection. Maybe you understand them, maybe you see yourself in them, maybe you want to help them. There are some people who come uninvited and when they leave, there is no reason for you to cry. If you cry for someone, it surely points to the fact that they mean something. That you felt something when they were there.That's why you spend hours mulling over. Feel horrid. Act out. Depression follows. Hurt spews. And you presume the worst of life. Do they understand this? Maybe. Maybe not. But if you have to convince someone to stay and see through your path together because you feel it will be good, there is no point. They have to be willing. Connections will happen over time. It's always a joint effort to make sure some people stay in your life. Be it family, friends or lovers. 

There are so many bad experiences that you go through in your life. Some you  share and some remain your secrets. Some you battle and win. Some defeat you and you lose. Sometimes you rise from the ashes. Sometimes you die. But sometimes, someone comes and makes you see that life can be good again. It may not be another but you. You need to fight. People will hurt you and go. People will see you do good but never better than them. Who do you trust then? You! 

When people don't realise that they are important to you and vice versa, you may cry, belittle yourself, beg but you shouldn't. If a simple misunderstanding or a single bad day makes you run or part ways, then let them go. There are people who want you to stay. Who check up on you everyday. Who make sure you fight. Who help you push your way through life. Wipe your tears, hug you. They should matter because to them you matter. It takes a while to understand this and realise your worth not through the eyes of the person who left you but those who stay. 

Damned Mornings!

There is a mundane routine that sets in when you are nursing a heartbreak. It becomes a pattern. You may turn into an insomniac at times but you wake up everyday wishing that things would have a sense of normality again. Your life will have some balance again. You live each day with a mask. You envisage a future that is not bland. Alcohol as per popular belief does not help. You end up nursing a massive hangover too. 

Then your mornings turn to ash, time fades as you lay immobile and rethink the past. Day after day after day. Nothing really changes, you try to understand their perspective and then you try to console yourself. You try to understand their reasons amd then you cry again. You get angry and then you feel helpless. You sometimes force yourself to forget. You try to reason some shit. You start to compare your life with others. You become a little envious of all. You try to nitpick your faults. You break. You reassess. You feel sad. You make shallow promises to yourself. Your life, your heart, your mind belongs to other. It is ruled mercilessly by another. 

So much pain a person is capable of feeling and giving the other. Words hurt like lashes. They scar. Moreso if you are cursed with a sensitive and emotional nature. You tend to not forget certain things. You lock them everyday, to wake up and live each day. They keep knocking throughout the day. But you silence them anyway. You smile, you pretend to be happy even when your heart is bursting and your head is hurting. This is life. This is what you become. You become numb, you become tolerant, you become patient. Waiting for the night to come when you can open your wounds again and let them bleed. 

Life has a purpose. You have a story. Maybe the moral is to not love with your all. Maybe it teaches you to be kind, charitable, helpful, true, creative but not to love. So, Love fully when you know it is valued. Love fully when you know it will not harm you. Love fully when it gives you happiness. Love fully when your worth is known. Love fully when you love yourself. Love fully when you know they will stay. Love fully when you know it will never end. Love fully when you can't be erased. Love fully when you are written everywhere. Love fully when you can't be replaced. Love fully when they support you through pain. Love fully when you will not be blamed. Love fully when it makes you smile again. Love fully when it does not end up in a cry. Love fully when both your needs are met. Love fully when you are accepted as you are. Love fully when you fight but makeup too. Love fully when you get and give respect. Love with caution! Love should never be regret.