Change!

When is it ever enough? How do you decide what you do for the other person is recripocated and valued? How do you know that the effort you take in making someone's day special really brings happiness. For eg, if you do something maybe plan something for someone like really put in some serious thought and get a "thanks" for that, how do you figure your thoughts were valued and your effort recognised?

In a world which is weaved from lies, what and who does the heart trust. How do you know that someone really cares for you? Do you matter to them? Would they be broken if you left? Will you even be missed if you vanished?

I used to believe people when they told me things, when they told me things about them. I used to respond to them wholeheartedly. Someone at work today said something to me that made me wonder, she said " you are such a loveable person and yet you have put yourself in a shell". This statement got to me. I used to be a person who used to open her arms to the world. Who used to believe in love, forevers, trust, loyalty and all things good, all things human. Who have I become? 

I don't trust my judgement anymore. I am perpetually scared of opening myself to the world. I feel wounded soon, scars of mine don't heal. I can't believe what people tell me. I have forgotten to love myself and think no one else can or ever will. It's brought me to a point where I am happy aloof, barring a few close friends. This happens when people betray you or use you. It leaves you empty. 

Someone called me a quitter a while back. I didn't feel bad, though the word stuck. Because they don't know your struggle, they don't know what you go through in reality. How you mask your pain. Moreover, I was a fighter, still am but now I do choose my battles. You fight when there is someone to fight along with you, not when you are all alone. Not when you are pushed away. And definately not when you are unwanted. So I walk away, that gives me peace. I totally cut off and live a life devoid of such people. It hurts and will but atleast you are strong enough to move ahead. So you cry in silence. Only you and your tears know the reality. 

Things have stopped affecting me. If they do, they have a major impact. And when they do, only I know what goes in me. I question my every move now. Even if someone tells me the truth, it's hard for me to trust them. 

The world teaches you to not be yourself, or rather be yourself with people who really matter and value you. Who along  with telling you how important you are to them, they show you in their actions too. Who have no veils, build no castle of lies, no facade. They are naked infront of you. They don't have to shield themselves from you. They tell you where it aches and want the comfort you provide them. They crave your healing touch. That's the kind of person you should open up to right, but how do you know who is that person.