Unsure!

You know how irritating it gets when you have to take decisions that alter your life and circumstances or people delay them. You cannot blame situations but you sure can blame people. I thought life was supposed to get easy once you are an adult. You are supposed to know better, you have various experiences that help you know what's right and wrong , you have maturity to take solid decisions and you definitely have the resources to make legitimate, sensible decisions. Then why is it that as you grow up, things become more complicated?

Two and a half days of not moving out of my bed, thinking things through, anger attacks, eating meds, sleeping, talking to friends, more thinking, anxiety attacks, talking to friends, etc etc and I am still unable to have a plan of action for my life ready and workable. Escapism attitude is what hinders the decision making process. As an adult, people affect you and your decisions. You invariably end up altering your decisions, which sometimes you have to, as they affect others associated with you. whether it's a direct link or an indirect one, they do. Why are people so complicated? They make the decision making so much harder, was the thought that primarily worked my mind. Why are people selfish, mean and utterly impossible. You can still provide logic but how much of that logic really makes sense to a person is upto them. You know how you seek peace from life, or maybe just one aspect of your life but when none of the avenues provide peace but end up in chaos where do you go? I feel like I am already 60 and like there is nothing to look forward to. Even if there is , I am so scared that I feel it will only be worse. And yeah yeah I'm reading positivity article but that's all BS. 

The best part about my bed ridden days ( apart from horrible meds, yuck) was the fact that I was able to list down a lot of things. Figure out patterns, remake my to-do list, read some amazing books, catch up on movies, cry my soul to some satisfaction, listen to some amazing music, laughed some to make the heart feel a little better (thanks to some people) but this uneasy feeling, it just does not go  away. Some people I spoke to told me to hold on, maybe it's just bad timing. Some told me to not give a shit. Some told me to focus on other things, some to distract myself. But after all the advice you get, you have to come back home to yourself, to your emotions, to your suffering, to your destiny. What do you do then? I am still deciding!