Commitment - Why is it an issue?

Relationships are delicate. There is no perfect partner or a perfect relationship. We need love and support in order to grow, companionship to help us deal with reality and the struggles of life. We often in that journey find people who blemish the experience or relatively help us grow. Today we will talk about commitment phobic people. Men and women alike suffer from this phobia. It is such an empty space to be at, where you can’t give yourself to the other completely. How would you understand, realize the potential of you and your partner’s to have a healthy relationship? Accepting the fact that loves evolves often escapes the dictionary of the gamophobe. They leave you traumatized; you end up blaming yourself, analyze your actions and revisit the episode repeatedly and end up feeling not good enough.

Like it or not, in the matters of the heart, the mind often gives out. Love is pure, it is often the behavior and experiences interrelated with the people we are in love with that ruin it. With the emotional baggage that we carry, it leads us to a place where we are so messed up that when the real thing comes and knocks on the door we are too scared to see it, grab it and then end up cribbing about it. There is a pattern that comes to play and should serve as a checklist before you emotionally invest yourself in a person. It is often difficult to differentiate at the start of any relationship and therefore after doing a lot, and I mean a lot of research, sleepless nights etc. I present to you with the facts. This post contains information from research conducted by authors Steven Carte and Julia Sokol and Google ofcourse.

Basic Profile of the Gamophobe

The phobia may have its roots from a previous distress or a disgruntled family. They might want a relationship but are afraid to commit to one.   There is a lot of negative reinforcement that might have come from previous relationships which deepen the fear of commitment but what they don’t realize is how they aggravate it. The root cause is fear of deep emotional connect. They are tortured souls. They are stuck in a cycle of negative belief system about how love or commitment may affect them, their independence or add to their fears. They go through the cycle of anguish, pain, confusion and anger more than once which creates an indifferent, uncanny and impulsive or often a volatile personality. Since every person is an individual, a person may exhibit some of all traits with varying intensity.

Commitment phobe men prefer or rather target women who are independent and located at places away from their location as they desire their liberties and space. They always have a hidden agenda. They usually have a string of short lived relationships. They may fool around a lot. They may be single or may have been married for a short while; they may have a past full of infidelity. They usually choose women who are ideally not their “type” of women. There may be age difference; nationality difference etc. so that they can inherently ensure that the relationship will be short lived. The type of fear should be understood, is it a fear of rejection or a fear or marriage. They may not always be a cheater but they are self-damaging. They often choose women who may not want commitment themselves, so that when the emotional connect happens either of the two cases happen – 1. The woman leaves because she never wanted to commit or 2. If she changes her mind, the gamophobe ghosts or creates further walls that eventually the woman lets go.

Occupation wise, they may work careers where there is frequent change possible. They prefer a job where they can work on their own terms, with their own freedom and space. It has to be a busy job so that they can invest more of them into work than in any sort of relationship. They avoid social gatherings. They may often be control freaks and dominating. The partner is often a submissive. They don’t like arrangements, especially in their personal lives. They learn to compartmentalize their personal and professional life. The long distance relationships help in disconnecting a relation of the partner with the friends and family.

Mind games are a predominant feature of this phobia. They can be temperamental or standoffish and lay the responsibility of the same on the woman for why they are behave so peculiarly.  They are hard to contact. Social media is thus the easiest way to fulfill the need for intimacy and connection with anonymity.. There is lack of relationship because of an online presence; proximity is not there so it becomes easy and thus easier to find people, someone who is vulnerable, and someone they can connect with.  It is also easy to disappear. They fib, or they are ambiguous and mysterious about their whereabouts and what they do to get back their space.

Their living arrangements are often unconventional. A lot of the connect in the relationship may be sexual and they may be drawn to women who express themselves sexually. They may give some way of contact for fulfillment of sexual needs and nothing more than that. They are into substance abuse. It’s almost like déjà vu every time with them because the pattern consistently keeps running. It may leave you wondering how many women before and after you have come and left. They always will bail. Such people are emotionally cut off from themselves and often may be confused about what they want. Isn’t it best then to know this and be with a person who is also looking for the same. The longevity of the relationship can easily be decided by the both of them.

Commitment Phobic man – The Relationship Life Cycle

Stage 1:  The Chase

This stage involves identifying the woman that attracts them, a muse or a tease or an emotionally vulnerable woman can be the target. Once identified they move ahead aggressively to chase her passionately till the woman is won over. They may understand what is it that makes the woman fall for a person and bring them to a place where they end up feeling for the person. All of this happens at their convenience and happens to convince them.  They will treat the lady like a queen. The best trait that they have is that of charm, they do the right things and say the right words. They are very romantic, they work at getting their needs met and often have little concern for woman they are pursuing. Such men are usually very loving and benevolent, which stems from the fact that they are sure the relationship will be a short lived one and they may not have to consistently giving care and love. These are learnt social skills that make them more attentive and charming towards their partner.

This stage is all about the chase. The thrill of the pursuit is what keeps them on their toes. They love the chase but they don’t want a commitment for the same. As long as the chase is there, the gamophobe sticks to the relationship. They often hint at not wanting a long term relationship. Periods of ghosting follow, and this becomes a consistent pattern. This is rather dishonest because you know the game and the other person is lead on.

Stage 2: “Seduction/Rejection Game

This forms the basis of the second stage. They don’t commit to the relationship and yet they don’t walk away either. The woman in the relationship is often the object of lust. Since the chase makes the women fall for them, they crave intimacy too and well if they are offering, why not! The other “L” letter word is not found.  The gamophobe seduces the partner and strings them so that they can’t “hurt” them and feel that lying is a better option. Even though they may tell the women a lot of truth about themselves, they do hide or alter some facts. They know and will tell them that they use the woman for emotional dependency and how they make them want to change. The charmer works the magic and yet the uncertainty remains. A state of confusion arises; they want the woman when she is not available to them but when she returns so does the perplexity. There is always a story to support the behavior. When the woman decides to leave, they might promise change but that rarely happens. The woman may become low on their priority list. They keep reemphasizing and subtly announce the fact that this time is special and the paths will be diverted in the near future. The hint of “no future together” is quite classic and cliché. The friends with benefits scenario perfectly fits here. When the woman start standing up for yourself, the gramophone usually turns to stage 3. This may be inflicted because of the fear of rejection. So they plan to reject first when they feel that they or the women are ready to take the relationship forward.

Stage 3: Exit

They finally “have” the person. The connect begins to mean something. The fear which was latent is now full on charge mode. They consider appeals for needs as bids and develop a behavior in which they are furious, abhorrent and stubborn. Since an ongoing intimate relationship often heads into the direction of commitment, they prepare an exit strategy. So after investing months and years by the girl in hope that the gamophobe may see the worth of the relationship are spent and similarly for the guy is dependent on the girl for emotional support. But he knows that he will leave her when and if he gets there.  Thereby he makes sure that the relationship will never grow and they neither intent for the same. They often withdraw sexually at this point in order to move out. They usually have two options, one is to move towards total promiscuity, engaging in lust or they go cold. They will want to push the women away. So basically a behavior that hurts and make the women want to leave. Committing to anything is a lot of stress for them. They intend to change but that will always be intent and the cycle continues. But it ends up in a typical heartbreak.

  

The gamophobe often repeats the same pattern over and over which in turn hurts the person and others more. As we grow up we acclimatize to the changes and situations that are presented to us. How you get out of this vicious circle is the key. Change is constant. Accepting that change should be as well. A commitment phobe has less patience and walks away soon without trying, well because of the fear that the person has. All relationships need time and work. Be it long term ones or short term ones. That’s the challenge in sustaining a committed relationship. But sometimes accepting the things as they are and walking away is a better option than playing games. But it is natural that hurt comes out in some form. In order to release from this pattern, it is often not an easy job. It requires a lot of effort, patience and support. Lying to yourself and escaping reality is rather short lived but it needs to stop. Getting an ego boost based on someone else’s feelings is never right. You are your known judge even though you might hate when others judge you. Take care of yourself. Even if you don’t care there are people in your life other than the short lived relationships who care for you. When you are not on an ego trip and you meet someone who is interesting and someone worth a try, you are naturally more at ease and yourself.

Images courtesy google