When thoughts collide

Wtf man, how many sleepless nights do I have to endure. Sleep head. Just sleep. 

When will my heart be stone. Head banish all thoughts. 

I just want to cry. Like all the time. 

I am like a tap these days. 

One slight word and I start wailing.

I am fever stricken slightly delusional.

I am completely in a state of numbness and yet there is so much pain.

And it’s not even my hormones.

I read things to distract me, I read for solutions.

I feel there is a burden on me.

I want to just be at peace.

I want to be able to live carefree.

I want to stop weeping for a dream.

I want to talk but there is no one to talk to because no one really knows, so I write.

I listen to songs and I cry in the car.

I reach office, my eyes bleed.

I reach home, my eyes bleed.

It’s too much of an emotional set back that I have seen.

I feel lost, disoriented.

I walk, talk, drive, and eat nonsensically.

I feel sick.

I want to forget things but they come back to torment me. 

I keep dissuading myself.

I don’t want to be happy. 

I just want to be sad.

Mom is clearly worried. 

I am trying distractions. 

I am constantly reminded of sentences spoken to me. 

Situations I’ve been through, it’s almost like going through trauma every single day.

I am losing my will. 

I feel like I am drowning.

I am like a zombie, don’t feel like eating. 

I can’t eat. Can’t sleep.

Tears just silently fall.

My head is constantly beating.

My eyes are swollen. 

There is no light that sparkles in my eyes.

There is no motive in life. 

I am scared, petrified.

One insensitive sentence and I grow cold and shaking. 

I am just working.

I don’t know who I am becoming?

Someday’s I just sit and look into space. 

I don’t move, I don’t talk. Friends force me to go out. It always haunts me. 

I just keep looking into space with tears welling up.

I know people around me are worried.

I have quieted down. 

But I’m just a mess right now.

And they think they are trying to save me. 

They kill you and then they need a fucking void to fill after they ruthlessly create one. Ya a void that is filled by mercilessly testing the other. Fucking shit. Torture. They are angry. Heartless. They scream Why? Because "they" feel they have done right. Idiotic, immature logic. Ofcourse because because they don't feel. Am done. Am fucking done. Am just fucking done. Déjà vu. All over again. Those Three months all over again. Same pattern. Same situation. It's so not fair.