Clarity!

Amidst all the mind games that people play with us, we often forget how the other person in a relationship is left out and feels rather cheated, lied to and that it may not leave them with a very healthy and positive experience as well. I have always found this gimmick quite childish actually; I mean how true is the relationship if you have to manipulate a person to be with you. With so many quotes going around, emphasizing the fact that people should accept and love you as you are then becomes a lie really. So how do you know that which relationship has the potential to be partially satisfactory or which spells doomsday?

Every relationship needs work. No matter how much in sync you are with each other, no matter how much you like each other, it needs work. The bond needs to be formed over and over again. You need to be careful about the other person’s feeling and not take them for granted because usually that’s the easiest thing that can happen. You like someone, you fall for them, love might happen but it is a process of growth and there is a struggle post the honeymoon phase in any relationship.

As you grow older, you learn and you unlearn certain things about relationships. You change something, you let go of some habits and you adapt. Sometimes you need the courage to try again and sometimes to walk away. It’s often a pain because irrespective of the fact that you may know a person, do we ever really know what goes on inside a person’s mind? I have been thinking a lot about this since some time now. How do we choose which relationships are worth a try, which should last and which should end? Personal growth is often not given as much importance as we would like in times as such, especially I feel with emotional people because they invest a lot of themselves in a person.

I hope that this helps in making wiser choices for a good relationship and makes the experience worthwhile for you and the person you are with. One of the best articles I read that shed some light on relationships that are fulfilling is from (Source: TheGoodMenProject originally published by Hey Sigmund) and I really thought about this article so I will add on what I feel about it and I quote:

“Being with someone who is great at relationships can feel a bit like magic and a lot like home. The good news is that anyone can learn the lessons they’ve learned and be great at relationships too. Here are the things that people who are good at relationships have learned to do, that anyone can master"

(Initially everyone is goody right, but how it unravels should be considered as well. We all like to make good impressions and sometimes it works and you connect, be it chemistry or karma, it works and sometimes it doesn’t.)

"They let themselves be vulnerable: They’ll talk about their thoughts, ideas, feelings, fears and they’ll ask about yours. They know how to live and love with an open heart. When they let you in close it’s beautiful, and the intimacy and trust flows freely. Being around that kind of person is addictive. They are able to own all of their messy, fragile, uncertain, extraordinarily beautiful parts, making it easy for the people they are with to do the same. There’s nothing like not having to hide. That kind of purity and permission is effortless to be with. They aren’t like it with everyone though, and you know it."

(This is a critical step for any good relationship. If you decide you like a person and you deem them worthy of sharing your secrets, it creates a bond. This builds trust and without it really no relationship can work. But sharing yourself with a person should be conditional I agree, so judge a person if they are worth your secrets and if they are, please don’t lie to them.)

"They self-disclose: Self disclosure is the essence of intimacy. They’ll talk about their thoughts, ideas, feelings, fears and they’ll ask about yours. It’s important because it signals trust and a desire to be close. Aside from sex, it’s this level of self-disclosure that makes an intimate relationship different to others. It nurtures a fierce understanding of each other and gives a context (not an excuse) to behaviours, moods, feelings, fears and weaknesses, making it less likely that things will be taken personally and that fights and arguments will be given enough spark to catch fire."

(As we spend time with a person, there are often cues to their personality and moods which one should pick up on. If you tell someone which buttons to push, you also lay faith in them that they won’t misuse it. It is very easy to hurt someone when you know the weapons that will kill them. Choose how you want to proceed with them. Once bitten, twice shy, renders you unreliable and the trust dwindles.)

"They aren’t a slave to their past: A past. We all have one. People who are great at relationships don’t let it define them or any future relationships they have. They use the past to inform the future, not to drain or burden it. We all make mistakes and we’ve all probably been out with a few, but the people who are great at relationships don’t let bitterness, regret or guilt chomp at their heels and ruin something that could be amazing if they let it. They can move on, let go and are able to see new things with fresh eyes, and not through a filter that is dusty with hurts and heartaches of the past."

(Everyone has their own emotional baggage; some just handle it better than the other. But if the person you choose to be with can move past it, is there no better thing. If someone knows your past and then helps you live a life, maybe a better one without the grudges of the past tainting your future, it is worth a shot. Because of the emotional baggage, sure there will be many fall backs, but communication is the key. If you really want this person, talk.)

"They expect to be happy: They know where they end and where you begin and they won’t try to dump their stuff onto anyone. They expect happiness for themselves, their relationships and the person they love. More importantly, they act as though happiness is always on its way, even if it gets delayed by life’s upsets sometimes. People who are great at relationships know they live in the real world and not in a storybook, so they know there will be arguments, bad moods, sadness and sometimes not enough time/money/fun, but they accept that bumps in the road are a setback and a normal part of play, and they are able to look beyond them to whatever better things lie ahead."

(Happiness is a very intrinsic thing. You may have the worst of days but if someone is there to lighten the load and make you smile just a tiny bit, isn’t it worth it? When you are close to someone, you cannot stop their moods from affecting yours, it will happen. Their issues will become yours; they will help in any which way they can. I think it’s worth something, no wait, a lot actually.)

"They want you, but they don’t need you: Needy people will never bring out the best in anyone, because they’ll take whatever you give and then look for confirmation that it was for them, that you actually meant it, that there’s more coming, and that you’re not giving more to someone else. It’s exhausting. There’s no excitement, there’s no challenge, and there’s no inspiration to be better than you are. People who do relationships with flourish let you know that they’re with you because they want to be – because you’re you and you’re different to everyone else on the planet and they think you’re incredible. They love you because of who they are with you, not because they’re terrified of who they are without you. They just love you."

(You are your own self. Maintaining that if you want someone to be a part of life, take it as a privilege, because it is one. They can choose anyone; they chose you, respect that and remember it always. )

"They own their ‘stuff’: They know where they end and where you begin and they won’t try to dump their stuff onto anyone. If they’re cranky, tired, frustrated or angry, they’ll own it. They’ll take full responsibility for their own insecurities, jealousies and whatever else might knock them off track (and yes, they’re human people not human machines so of course they have their bad days/weeks) but they’ll take full responsibility and work towards dealing with it."

(This would take a LOT of practice, but hey we are only learning right. No one is perfect anyway. In fact, why would anyone even want perfect.)

"They will grow with you, but they don’t need to change you: They’re quick to let you know when you’re getting it right. They’re grateful, observant, available and present.They know who you are. They know who they are. They know what they were signing up for when they thought the combination of the two of you was pretty special. They’ll grow with you when they can, and they’ll support you in the growth you do on your own, but they won’t need to change you."

(Change is personal. If you feel you are unhappy with something, change it. It has to come from within. That driving force has to be within you, to make you a better person. Because if pushed, the blame game happens and that as we all know, gets very ugly. So change because you can make the other feel better, change because it makes you better.)

"They give and take: They are able to give and receive with an open heart. It’s a giving that is rich, generous and deliberate, but it’s done with a level of self-respect that doesn’t let them keep giving when nothing comes back. They know they aren’t any good for anyone, especially themselves and the people they love, if they allow their emotional well to run dry because they’re with someone who takes more than they give."

(Unconditional love really does not exist. It boils down to two things whether your expectations from a person are materialistic or they are emotional. Give and take is how a relationship should work. It can never be a one way street, because sooner or later the burden of it increases and you either feel the guilt that you are getting too much without giving or the loss that you are giving in too much without getting anything.)

"They don’t take themselves too seriously: They’re not stupid and when it gets to the point that they’re giving too much more than they’re receiving, they’ll be done. There are some things that make humans particularly wonderful. Laughter is one of them. It helps couples to work through stressful times and to maintain a connection. It’s designed to make us feel better about the world and closer to the ones we’re next to in it. Laughter shows people that you understand them, like them, love them and people who are great at relationships don’t hold back on any of these."

(Well, this one is a no brainer actually. You try till it can work, then you have to let go of it and some point.)

"They let you know: They’re quick to let you know when you’re getting it right. They’re grateful, observant, available and present. They don’t need to outshine you and they’ll be your greatest cheer squad, celebrating you and the things you do. They’re quick to let you know that they’re proud of you, that they appreciate you and that they think you’re pretty great to be with. Yep. They can be pretty irresistible like that."

(This is the key really- communication. When people don’t talk about things, assumptions happen. This is what can make you or break you. )

"They’ll put you first: They know that if they put you first, and you put them first, you’re onto a winning formula for something extraordinary. They don’t keep score – that’s one of the great things about them – but be careful if there’s nothing going back their way. They’re not stupid and when it gets to the point that they’re giving too much more than they’re receiving, they’ll be done."

(Everyone wants to know that they are a priority to someone. So if they are, let them know it please. It really does wonders.)

"They do what they say:  They’re accountable and they aren’t into games, because they know with games there is always a loser. They’ll be where they tell you they’re going to be, they’ll call when they say they will, and if they’re keeping secrets, don’t worry – it will be because they’re organising a special surprise."

(It is a very inherent trait so really can’t write much on this.)

"They love like loving you is easy: Love can be hard work but it should never feel like it takes more than it gives. When you’re in a relationship with someone who does relationships well, you never have to guess where you stand. They’ll let you know by the things they do, the things they say, and the way you feel around them. Love was never meant to be a guessing game."

(Ah, love! Everyone has a different way of loving and be loved. You cannot put it in a box, it’s a very need based feeling. The right person, will know how to love you and you know what the best thing is, you can tell them how to.)

"They talk about the stuff that matters: They know that both people can be wrong and both people can be right – sometimes at the same time. They keep the small talk for the small stuff and aren’t afraid to dive into the deeper things. They’ll trust you enough to talk about the things that matter to them, and they’ll want to be close enough to you to notice what’s important to you. They’ll ask about things, explore things, and be open to whatever beautiful depths a conversation leads to. And they’ll happily go there with you. They’ll even lead the way if you want them to."

(A good friendship or a relationship is one where there is free flow of information. When you share, you subconsciously let the other person know that you care.)

"They hold you when you want to be held and touch you when you want to be touched:  Physical intimacy is so important in a relationship. It releases oxytocin (the bonding chemical) reduces cortisol (the stress hormone), communicates love and is the most nurturing thing in the universe. It’s not just the deliberate types of touches like sex, kissing, holding, but the incidental ones too – the stroke as you walk past, brushing hands, touching your back as they walk behind you – it’s beautiful, life giving and will strengthen a connection like nothing else on the planet."

(Non-verbal communication is one of the best ways by which you can tell someone that they are loved, adored or cherished. Tell them and show even more.)

"They’re committed to working through an argument rather than proving their right: Things that are meant to last forever were never meant to be rushed. They know that both people can be wrong and both people can be right – sometimes at the same time. They work with the data rather than the emotion, and they know that even more important than anyone’s version of the facts is how each of you feel about those facts. If you’re jaded about something that was hissed at you in an unguarded moment, you won’t hear, ‘But I was just trying to explain that I’ve stacked the dishwasher every night this week and that you haven’t done it at all. Geez why is everything a personal attack with you!’ Instead, they’ll apologize for the snap and if there’s something you need to hear, they’ll do it with love and generous intent and in a way that keeps you connected, rather than in a way that propels you to pack a bag and call your sister."

(No one is perfect and admitting when you are wrong, now that takes guts. Talking through an argument and clarifications is what helps clear misunderstandings if any. Especially in these techno times where half the conversations are via texts, it becomes rather tough to gauge emotions. Things are misinterpreted and chaos begins, so talk it out)

"They love you the way you want to be loved:  Not everyone wants to be loved the same way. Knowing someone intimately enough to love them the way they want to be loved, and caring about them enough to do that is the formula for a relationship that will last a thousand Sundays.People who are great at relationships have a way of making the person they’re with feel a little bit smarter, funnier, stronger, more beautiful – a little bit more able to take on the world and win. The relationship is close, intimate and loving and seems effortless. Of course no relationship is actually effortless – all take work and a willingness to give, receive, grow and maybe do some things a little differently – but things that are meant to last forever were never meant to be rushed.”

 (Well, can’t argue or add on to the last point, kinda perfect.)

So even though we might not find someone who is a check per every point but it’s all about how much effort they put in to be with you. At the end of the day, it’s just about the fact that they want you to be a part of their life for a while or for life.